What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

DEADFOOT friend

November 19th, 2010

Craig Folgers writes:

Dear Setbacks,

I have a friend who constantly asks me for favors, but often... actually never... is available to return a favor.

He has no car, and often claims poverty or "things being tough". Once, he even made up the excuse that he was mugged in broad daylight and a thug made off with all of his money to get out of paying for a fucking lunch at Harvey's. Two Angus burgers is less than $12. Did you know that?

What should I do? I enjoy being friends with him, but this is beyond irritating. I hate it actually. The other day he asked me if I could lend him $2.71 for a coffee and I got pissed off because he specifically asked for the change. Round it up to $3 dipshit.

The worst part about this is my friend is a combat veteran and amputee. Just to clarify though - he never saw any action. He was tripped off an aircraft carrier and lost his foot in some bullshit accident while at sea. He's an engineer by trade, and I'd be surprised if he even saw a gun in his life. As you can understand, as much as I want to call him on this stuff, I look at his stump and then feel guilty. Knowing him, he'd turn this around on me and really lay it in for giving him a hard time, and I hate feeling like an asshole. He'd suggested things like "running" and "skiing" are recreational activities he's had to part with. HE NEVER DID THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'VE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR 20 YEARS.

ARGH...

...but you need to also take this into consideration guys. I know he's getting a sweet pension from the military and he scored a hot girlfriend. WTF. He also works his prosthetic like a Harlem Globetrotter and often moves faster then I do.

Tell me what I should do.

Craig Folgers

Trevor	Listen FOLGERS! If you hate feeling like an asshole, maybe you shouldn’t be one. But seriously, you need to cut off this friendship like fate cut off his leg: cleanly and swiftly. This could lead to him having something called a ‘ghost friendship’. People who have limbs cut off often experience ‘ghost limb’ where they still reach for things even though they don’t have an arm. It’s not pleasant, but he’s still going to reach to you for things, but you need to not be there for him. We played with a band once who sang a song about ghost limbs. It didn’t seem to be in good taste. We were not comfortable playing with them.
Steve	Honestly Craig, I wasn't aware that two Angus burgers is less than $12. That's not very much money at all. In fact, I could probably find that in the cushions of my couch... or, to use a more common saying, by effortlessly mugging a disabled military veteran on his way to meet his friend for lunch. Back to your problem, Craig - I have a sneaking suspicion this advice question might have been made up. Craig, the Setbacks take giving thoughtful advice very seriously and frankly I don't appreciate you wasting our time with this phony baloney question. Get out of the way so we can get back to helping people with their real problems. Good day, sir.
Paul	This is possibly one of the most offensive questions I have ever read in my entire life. This is coming from a person that regularly reads the Dear Abby column where it is almost common place to hear the sentences “Is it wrong that my husband spends more time on the computer looking at marsupial muffs then mine?” or “I found a diesel powered pitching machine in our garage but my husband doesn’t play baseball, should I be worried?” You have serious issues. Suck it up and lend the dude $3.
Chris	Man - kick this motherfucker to the curb! Then tell him he'll never be able to do what you just did to him because you have BOTH of your feet. Then do a moonwalk, and say the same thing. Lastly, subtly whisper in his ear that you LOVE buying PAIRS of shoes. Drastic? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. Listen, I come from the Mel Gibson school of solutions. Doing politically incorrect and outrageously insensitive things is part of what gets things done. In Mel's case, it ended his career and prevented Lethal Weapon 5 from ever happening. In your case, it's going to reduce or likely eliminate your loans to this deadbeat. It might also end your friendship - but if I'm being honest, having a friend with one foot is kind of gross, anyways.

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