What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Is there something wrong with me? (1 of 7)

January 14th, 2011

Kevin writes:

This is one part of a 7-part question from Kevin where he asks the Setbacks whether his numerous "quirks" are normal or not...

I cannot stand it when cupboard doors are left open. It doesn't matter if they are all the way open or just a crack. I have the uncontrollable urge to stop all that I was doing so that I can close them. I have to close them all. They all need to be level and the same. If they are not, I am irritated.

Trevor	Listen KEVIN! Sometimes the simplest answer is the best. We can guess at your overall condition till we're blue in the face, but we have to give you advice based on what information we have. In this case, you basically feel the need to close cupboard doors. The solution: keep closing them when you see them open. No harm in that. Unless you are spending all of your free time closing them, causing you to miss work and not bathe, etc. In that case, maybe consider either removing the doors completely (though this might push you over the edge), or nailing them shut and keeping all your kitchen stuff on the counter. Simple. Easy.
Steve	Like Paul said - we're just dealing with the tip of the iceberg here... for all we know quirks 2 through 7 are "I can't help jamming a knife into the chest of anyone that looks at me the wrong way". Let's just assume that this is a typical quirk and all the rest are on the same level. Clearly, you suffer from crippling OCD. I'm not a doctor (yet) or a licensed psychiatrist (anymore) but I know a thing or two about obsessive-compulsive disorder. I know 1) there's a Wikipedia page about OCD and 2) I just quickly scanned it and discovered some alarming news that you should really keep in mind next time you feel the need to close all the cupboards. Unfortunately, since you're sept-dipping with 7 questions in 1 I'm only able to provide 1/7th of the helpful advice I would normally deliver in one of my responses. You'll have to deal with this one on your own, but I will say this: don't expose yourself to bright lights, never get yourself wet and NEVER EVER feed after midnight. I shudder to think what the consequences would be.
Paul	This seems like a pretty easy issue to deal with. However I'm hesitant to give a diagnosis. The other 6 quirks might shed some light on other issues. Since I don't have that information, I'll treat this as an isolated question. You obviously have issues with having a small penis. The open cupboard doors are a metaphor for when, possibly when you were younger, you left the fly to your pants open and everyone saw your penis and laughed. Now to counteract this mental scarring, you are in a constant battle to close open "doors". In this world where giant appendages rule, some of us (myself excluded) are destined to be hung like a light switch. The cure for this affliction takes a long time and has many steps. Your confidence must first be destroyed even further and then slowly built back up. The first step involves walking around a public place with a banana hanging out the fly of your pants. The steps slowly escalate until you are comfortable with looking at a penis in an open cupboard. There are too many subtleties in the steps to go into detail on this short column. We may have to talk offline.
Chris	Hi Kevin, Ever seen Poltergeist? There's a crazy scene where the kitchen gets absolutely fucked UP by ghosts. Here's a taste. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJoCAoLvly8 How manic are you getting right now?

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