What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Monkey See, Monkey Do

June 16th, 2003

Edward writes:

Hey Setbacks,
I'm not going to beat around the bush here - I love monkeys and I want to get one as a pet. Actually, not so much like a traditional "pet" but more like a little friend who I could train to do things like getting me beers and washing my feet. How do I go about doing this? I need to know where I can get a monkey, how much it will cost and whether this is legal in Canada.

Thanks guys and keep on rockin' in the free world!


Trevor		 I'm going to tell you the same thing I keep telling Steve when he says he wants a monkey: I don't think it will be quite as fun as you think. How many "little friends" do you have that will shit all over the place, and likely even throw the feces at you? Hopefully not many, because one is too many.

But I'm still encouraging Steve to get one, only because I could visit it and not have to clean it, or house it, or comb it, or walk it, or build a giant biosphere in my basement so it can live in the proper environment.

But seeing as I don't really know you, Edward, I will not be able to visit you and your monkey, and therefore I would not benefit from you getting a monkey. So I'm going to recommend that you not get one.

Steve		 Edward, I think we're kindered spirits. I've spent many nights thinking about the idea of having a monkey as a pet, so I'm really happy that you wrote in a question on the topic. From the research I've done, it sounds like the best place to get a monkey is the jungle. Apparently they just roam around free, so if you're looking to meet that special primate servant/friend, this would be a good place to start. The best part about finding a monkey in the jungle is that they're totally free. That's right, because they're wild animals living in their natural environment nobody can claim to own them. So don't bother bringing your wallet, because you won't need it.

Now, is all this legal you ask? Of course it is. If you bring a monkey into Canada you will have to pay duty and GST to get it through customs. They calculate these figures based on the value of the monkey, but since you will have obtained yours free and clean for the low price of $0.00, you'll just whisk through customs and onto a long life with your new monkey servant. Best of luck!

Paul		 Good news and bad news Edward. The good news is that they must be available to the public because I'm pretty sure that Chris has one. The bad news is that there is a chance that you can get a bad one. I know this because Chris is always talking about how he has to spank his.

Chris		 Hey Bossman,

I think you better rethink your strategy and rent "Every Which Way But Loose".
Monkeys will kill your ass in your sleep, and for proof and back up, rent "Monkey Shines" as an example.

BTW....monkeys have giant everything, and love smacking you around and acting like pervs.
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