What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Can I handle the truth?

June 3rd, 2003

Jittery in Ottawa writes:

I am being married in a few months. Ted is 20 and I am 22. He tells me he has "no past" and refuses to discuss it.

From what I hear from his friends, Ted has tried everything in his 20 years of life — drugs, sex, alcohol, wild parties. They say he has talked about numerous one-night stands without protection and that he was even involved in group sex with eight other guys and one female. (Again, without protection.) For all I know, he may even be a father. He also refuses to be checked for STDs.

Am I right for wanting to know how many sexual partners Ted has had? I am still a virgin. When I try to talk to him about this, he clams up. Can I trust him?


Trevor		 You don't need to know how many partner's he's had. However, he should be checked for all the nasties down below. It just makes sense.

But if he refuses that, and says he has no past, I'd be worried. It could be he has no past because he's in the witness relocation plan, or he's on the run from the law. You need to get his fingerprints somehow and get them to the police station to determine who Ted really is. I've seen their fingerprint recognition software on CSI. They put it in a computer and soon they find a match and they click a button and the two fingerprints glide into eachother on the screen and then the dude says "97% exact match". It's very sophisticated.

The only way to beat a sneak is by being sneaky, so get his fingerprints from his coffe mug, or the doorhandle when he leaves. You can order a detective kit from the back cover of most Archie comic books. That should have everything you need to dust for prints.

Steve		 (via mobile phone in London)

Thanks for coming to us when you did. Situations like this are very serious and must be handled with extreme care. Now, just to make sure I understand you completely... you said that you are 22 years old and you're a VIRGIN? Is your father Ned Flanders? Geez, no wonder Ted clams up...you really need to get some experience so you're at least in the same league with him. He probably feels like he just bought a brand new baseball glove that's completely stiff and the championship game is tomorrow. What he needs is a worn-in old glove that's been around the diamond a few times...you catch my drift? Cheers.

Paul		 Well, to add to my bandmate Steve "stick-it-in-anything" Palmer's advice. I would like to remind you that you hold the power right now. You have the most to give and lose right now. Simply make it clear that he gets tested or he doesn't get any. I mean married couples are supposed to share everything but I doubt it that you want to share his crabs.

Chris		 That is really nuts and crazy.
I wouldn't trust him. He could have cold sores on his privates.
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