What Would the Setbacks Do?

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DICKIE DEE DISASTER

May 9th, 2003

Fletch Sipowicz writes:

Hey Guys,

I was driving on Walkley the other day, and inadvertently hit a Dickie Dee ice cream vendor, and caused a giant accident, where fatalities were on the ice cream menu....no pun intended. I drove away immediately, and haven't gotten into trouble yet. The problem is, I told my girlfriend's daughter to get out of the car after hitting the guy, and forgot her at the scene amidst the chaos of realizing that I had hit this dude. I don't want to get in trouble, but my girlfriend will kill me if I don't produce her daughter. Advise!

Trevor	I don't think you should feel guilty here at all. Do you realize how much this popsicle pusher makes feeding off of children's hard earned allowances and birthday money? You can't tell me there isn't a huge markup when you're paying four jumbalayas for an Richard D ice cream bar with almonds. The guy is probably a millionaire! As for the daughter, I'd say forget her. Dickie Dee will offer her a much better life than you could ever dream of providing for her. Who knows, if she's smart enough she may even become the heiress to the ice cream fortune! I'm sure if you explain it like that to your girlfriend, everything will turn out fine. If that doesn't work, buy her a puppy.
Steve	This is a rather unique dilemma, yet one that offers a surprisingly simple solution. It is obvious that if you return to the scene of the crime to find your girlfriend's daughter, you will get caught. That's not cool. What I would suggest is heading over to a local school and finding another girl that closely resembles your girlfriend's daughter. Kidnap her, dress her up in the right clothes and present her to your girlfriend. Naturally, the new daughter will be pretty disoriented and your girlfriend will catch on quick that something is up...by this time, you're halfway home and off the hook! Aces!
Paul	This question really hits home with me. Many moons ago I was a Dickee Dee employee. I spent the summer of 1995 touring the metropolis of Barrhaven selling my wares. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was one of the hotter days of that summer and on days like that the fudgesicles flowed like water. I was doing the park circuit and Jockvale was next on the route. After this point the story becomes a little blurry. I remember peddling around a corner and then the flash of painted metal and chrome coming my way. It was too late for either of us to turn. I was clipped by a speeding Buick Dynasty drivin by either a bunch of punk kids or some old ladies (I just remember that they were short with blue hair...). The collision resulted in my cart being overturned and landing on my leg. As the car sped off I lay in a daze with only the sound of those damn ringing bells in my head. Realizing that I was pinned beneath my cart (In retrospect I shouldn't have taken that extra box of Klondike bars) I used all my strength to lift the cart from my leg. With my leg in obvious pain I was forced to MacGyver a temporary leg splint from popsicle sticks. Barely surviving this ordeal I quit the business and still to this day I flinch at the sound of ringing bells. Hopefully this story will give you the perspective of the Dickee Dee vendor and the pain that he must be going through, not to mention the fact that he is now looking after a little kid.
Chris	Dear Setbacks fans, Yet again, Steve Palmer has broken the conditions of his parole by providing advice to his fellow child abductors. This, I agree, is horrifying, and must be recognized as nothing short of just that. Steve, how dare you share your vision of a world where children are discarded and handled like playing cards. Kids are special and nice, and deserve to be cared for and fed. I am personally disgusted with your inability to recognize this. I really thought that I could deal with the fact that you have a suspicious history, and that you always have to spend time in a half way house on the weekends, but this puts the icing on the cake for me, man. DAMN! Just when our friendship was getting warm!

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