What Would the Setbacks Do?
Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com
I'm F**king Freaking Out!
January 19th, 2003
Ready to Kill writes:
Hey guys - I have a real serious problem that's got me so upset that I'm just about to lose it. My girlfriend and I have an apartment in a nice area of town and we've been living happily together in sin for a couple of years. About two months ago my girlfriend staggers into the apartment drunk as a fiddler making out with some guy with two sausage links of Sheiks condoms across his chest. As if this isn't shocking enough, the worst part is that I'm witnessing the whole thing on the couch watching my old tapes of Survivor II: Australian Outback! Right after the tribal challenge I tore into the bedroom and broke the whole thing up. Needless to say, a fight ensued between myself and this guy...and I got beaten pretty badly. Since then there's been a million emotions boiling up inside me - anger, sadness, embarassment, fear, loneliness and hate. I'm left here asking myself a lot of questions. Guys, what should I do?
 Trevor |
I know when the Setbacks are feeling down, we like to have a movie night at Chris' house. We rent a couple of romantic comedies, and the light hearted, predictable script where the good guy always wins makes us feel better.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that renting a movie will clear up your cloudy skies, but rather it is from these movies that I draw my advice. Movies like Sweet Home Alabama, Notting Hill, Two Weeks Notice, or really anything with Hugh Grant. The lesson learned from these films is that there are two kinds of guys in the world: the fun loving, free spirited dude who shows up to steal the girl's heart (even though it's always made to look like it was meant to be)and then there is the stuffy guy, sometimes slimy, but often just the rock solid with the best intentions. He already has the girl, but seems destined to lose her when the first guy rolls into town. Unfortunately you sound like guy #2. Sitting at home watching tapes of Survivor, while guy #1 is out partying with your girl. If your life was a romantic comedy, I'd say this is the part near the end of the movie where the girl needs to finally own up to the situation and make a choice, and she will pick guy #1, and you will no longer be mentioned. This is also the point in the movie where Steve cries, I take my third washroom break, Chris runs out of Smart Food, and Paul makes his tenth batch of smores. I realize this isn't so much advice as it is a prediction, so my advice is just to ride it out, and then write a script about it, sell it to a studio and get rich as the movie hits #1 at the box office. Try to give it a fluffy name and try to get Sandra Bullock and Hugh Jackman to play the couple. You can be played by Neil Patrick Harris. |
|---|---|
 Steve |
Awaiting wisdom... |
 Paul |
Awaiting wisdom... |
 Chris |
Kick his ass after he finishes work with a crowbar, and or brass knuckles.
Being Italian, I have many members of my immediate and inner family that have extensive experience with getting money, extortion, and or regulating and dealing with punks who disresepect you. Let me give you and example. August 12th, 1983. Outside Pushman Park, South Keys. Chris is chased down by three thugs on a bike for telling one thug that his mother has an acute case of Herpes, only learning that the thug's mother had recently cheated on the thug's father, and the nucleus of the family had imploded, causing mass maddness and anger...Chris furthers the insult by insinuating that he was the individual that his aggressor's mom had indulged with. Thugs go crazy, bike chase ensues... As chase ensues, Chris belittles the thugs with jokes and rants about them wearing Hypercolor T shirts, and shopping at BIWAY. THUGS go absoloutely nuts. Chris strategically runs to his uncle Vince's house, a well known businessman and resturanteur on Preston street. Chris has enough time to divulge the info concerning the situation, and Uncle Vince acknowledges the timeframe. Uncle Vince, or Zio Vincenzo as I call him...grabs the chainsaw from the garage as the thugs amass on his lawn. Chris stares from the house window, as Uncle Vince revs the saw and approaches the thugs. Thugs immediately begin shitting their pants, and crying. Vince grabs one of their bikes, and saws he handlebar gribs off, and insists that if the bastard's mother wasn't such a tramp, she wouldn't have cheated on his father. Uncle Vince insists on agreement from all thugs, thugs agree, and swiftly run away, but not before my uncle takes one of the other bikes and presents me with a very early Confirmation present. Lesson learned: Intimidation is a key factor, and you don't even have to raise your fists. Suggestion: Since you already received a beating, you'll have to respond to the act of aggression and disrespect by retaliating. Get your best baseball bat, and go to this mouli's house. Ring the doorbell or apartment buzzer, and when he opens the door, hit him about ten centimeters below the kness, on the fibula bone of the front legs. This will end any sports career he may have had planned, and it will also incapacitate him to immediately respond to the attack. If lucky, you will break both of his chip bones, which connect the fibula to the kneecap, and you can get your point across a lot better. After that, do what you will. All's fair in a fight, and a dirty one at that. Take it eaz... chris |
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