What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Gimme the Dirt!!!!!

February 23rd, 2007

Flappy Jack writes:

Can you remember a time when you did something really, really fucking stupid for someone you liked? At the time, you thought it was a good idea, but really, it ended up totally embarrassing the shit out of you?

I want to know: WHAT’S THE FREAKIEST THING YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS DONE FOR LOVE?

We all have a story! Hell, I went transatlantic for an Internet lover and ended bloody trashed at a Hawksley Workman show, which turned out alright in the end. But you: Did you wake up drunk on her lawn? In her pool? Send dirty photos of her to her mother? WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THE BIRD OR BLOKE you dug? How did it end up? Is that what your album is about?

Trevor	Listen FLAPPY! Love can do crazy things to a man. Even a man such as myself. I give as evidence the following tale: During the course of one beautiful summer, I spent a lot of time out of the city and at a cottage. Apart from falling in love with my natural surroundings, I also fell in love with a local girl. Whenever she was around I was like a peacock in full plummage, strutting my stuff and doing my best to stand out. I guess it worked, because one day she came running to me because her dog got stranded on Dead Man's Island and she figured I was the only one strong enough to swim out and get it. Long story short, I'm not a really strong swimmer and about 20 feet from shore I was overcome by the small waves and almost drowned. I had to be saved by the very girl I was trying to impress. She swam out and got me back to shore where some people performed CPR and got my heart beating again. I actually spent the better part of seven months in a coma. When I woke up, I found out that she was actually a man and that he had made love to me while I was in the coma. I moved on, but to this day I am terrified of open water.
Steve	A friend of mine was head over heels for this girl... like, he was seriously walking on sunshine. He reached a point in their relationship where he felt compelled to demonstrate the ultimate display of love and devotion to her. Problem was that he felt limited by what he could say or write. As he explained it to me, "words are useless". So rather than being constrained by the vocabulary of the English language, he chose arguably the most sensual of communication techniques - interpretive dance. However, during one of the most erotic and technically challenging sequences his cell phone rang. As if this wasn't embarrassing enough, it turns out it was this girl he was doing on the side... she was preggers and it was most certainly not planned. He got off the phone and he finished that dance though. Like, he really nailed it. I have a lot of respect for that.
Paul	This was no ordinary girl. No high school crush. No beer-goggle makeout. This was serious. We had only been going out for a couple months when our group of friend's annual "pub golf" pub crawl came up. Every year this event seems to get more and more messy. Anticipating this, I told her that the pub crawl is usually boring and a male bonding type thing, hoping to scare her off. The plan worked. She ended up heading out with her lady friends to some lady friendly place where I can only assume that beer and nachos are not the main staple. So the pub crawl pretty much went as planned. Large amounts of alcohol were consumed. Shots, beers, pickled eggs, mixed drinks, lemons, nachos, and all combinations in between. Sometime after the point where I knew it was inevitable that I was going to cross THAT line and the point where I actually did cross the line, my lady friend gave me a call. Since my mind was somewhere between destroyed and incomprehensible I was able to converse somewhat coherently. Turns out that her lady friends had enough wine, cheese, naked tickle fights, gossip, and whatever else ladies do for the night. She wanted to come meet up with us. My conscience, which at this point had almost checked out for the night, said "your lady will not be impressed with the condition you are in". Unfortunately the tequila in my stomach was much louder yelling "Fuckin eh man. She will totally see that you are an awesome dancer and the life of the party.... and if she comes you might get to feel her boobs." So the decision was made. To make thing all the more awesome the final bar on the pub crawl was Ottawa's own "bottom of the barrel" bar, Maxwell's. As I waved my lady over to the dance floor I flooded her vision with amazing dance moves such as the moonwalk, the running man, and the ever popular robot. Not intimidated by the dance moves my lady joined the large group of pub crawlers, cougars, divorce lawyers, and dirty old men on the Maxwell's dance floor. As the aural explosion of Tragically Hip, AC/DC, and House of Pain songs rang through the club I was overcome with passion for my lady and as we "jumped around" I yelled into her ear "I LOVE YOU". This phrase had not come up in our relationship yet. We both froze, instantly sobered by the situation. After a silence that was only a second or two but felt like an eternity the phrase was returned, "I LOVE YOU TO". I knew after that moment that this lady was a keeper.
Chris	Well. Good Question. Once, ages ago really...I dropped some rap verses for my now wife on Valentine's Day. It was at her parents' house, and served as my method of asking her to marry me. And it went a little something like this... I love you. 'Nuff said. I am anxious to get you in bed. Bottom line. Sex. You know how I roll. Forever and ever, let's make this our goal. Mothafuckas to the left, gangstas to the right... 50 years of marriage, let's not fight. That's what I'm saying girl, you know how I rep. If you say no right now, you best watch your step. Don't embarrass me here, I swear I'll be pissed. If you try to front, and make me all dissed. Husband and wife. Wifey and boo. You'll get acquainted with things like me taking a poo ...and farting in public, and burping in stride and pounding that open carton of Five Alive in the fridge, in the kitchen of our house when you see my dick size, you'll think you married a mouse Forever and ever, let's do this right now Here is a ring, how I got it, don't ask me how... Will you mothafuckin' marry me, boo?

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