What Would the Setbacks Do?
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Help! One Loaf Pinched
August 22nd, 2006
Ken Sutter writes:
Hi guys,
I'm an outdoor person. I like to go on canoe trips and wilderness adventures just about every waking minute that I'm not working at Yarn Forward & Sew-On on Bank Street. I enjoy being at one with Mother Earth and generally consider myself a friend to all of God's creatures.
However, this weekend I suffered quite a traumatic episode when a cheeky raccoon made off with a loaf of bread from our campsite. I had made serious plans to cook up some grilled cheese sandwiches for me and my friend Charles later that night so this couldn't have happened at a worse time. At first I forgave the raccoon for being mischievous - after all, it's probably the fault of campers like me that he's a little too comfortable around humans. Later though, my forgiveness evaporated and I've been filled with blinding rage ever since.
My question is this: how can I get even with this animal without getting caught or getting into serious trouble?
 Trevor |
Listen SUTTER! You are a human, perched upon the top of the food chain. Take a look around, you'll see no other animal up there with you. Now look down, way down. Past the lions and crocodiles, way past the hippos and rhinos. Keep looking down, past the aardvarks and lemurs, even past the eagles and goats.
Look way down there and you'll see the raccoon. You'll notice there is no other animals below the raccoon. Just apples, grass, and wonder bread. What this means is that you can do whatever you want to this raccoon and there will be no repercussions. Sure, some tree hugging, panty waste, do-gooder may get angry. But this night stalking coward of an animal stole your wonder bread. No one comes between a man and his wonder bread. Now go get some vengeance, prove to the rest of the animal kingdom that humans deserve the title of King of the Forest! |
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 Steve |
In my life experience, there is no better way to deal with blinding rage than in a quick and rash manner. Sitting around and thinking about what to do will only dilute your anger so you must act immediately if you really want to savour the sweet taste of that dish best served cold. That's right, I'm referring to revenge.
Enough chit chat. Let's get down to brass tacks. Literally. Litter the campsite with them next time (except the part where you drive your car in - but don't tell the raccoons that). Nothing is music to the ears like a woodland creature with 10 to 20 thumbtacks pressed deep into their fleshy little footpads. |
 Paul |
Awaiting wisdom... |
 Chris |
Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom |