What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Saturday Night Awkwardness

August 9th, 2006

Chris Saracino writes:

Hey Guys,

It's me. Chris. The drummer for The Setbacks.
Guys, I'm not sure if you remember, but just this past weekend, we all met up at a great wedding that we had a fabulous time at. Anyways, I drove Trevor home after the wedding, and a certain level of discomfort occured on the way home.
Trevor repeatedly said to me, as I was driving, "I Can Feel You Inside Of Me!".

What do you think this meant, and how can I prevent him from ever saying it again to me?

Advice would be appreciated.


Trevor		 I cannot go on pretending that nothing happened. However, this will not be the ending of the setbacks, merely a new beginning. One in which there are no secrets. This is my secret:

In the year 1997, while I was in university, I enrolled in some scientific experiments in order to gain some extra cash. Basically, volunteers (such as me) were paid to be the subjects in trials to help in graduate student’s thesises and such. Most of the experiments were run of the mill sensory tests, basic medication side effect tests, and poke and prod exams. No problems, quick cash.

Then a posting was made on the bulletin board that claimed to pay quadruple what the highest paying test would pay. I eagerly signed up, figuring I had already been through enough gross things and would be able to take whatever they threw my way. I was wrong. What it ended up being was an experiment known as the Mr. Man Project. You may have heard of this on numerous conspiracy theory websites and chat rooms. It was an experiment designed to test the theory that a man could carry a fetus until birth in his abdominal cavity. At term, it would be surgically removed via c-section.

I signed up for the study, but something went wrong. Only 3 weeks after the injection of the fertilized egg into my abdomen, and subsequent attachment of the umbilical cord, I began to show. This was not expected for another 3 months. After some intense tests, it was found that the baby was growing at 3 or 4 times the average rate. After only a month and a half, a baby was pulled out of me. It looked like a toddler, not a baby.

After the surgery, the man-baby was whisked away, and I never saw it again. I was barred from knowing the identity of the child or it’s biological parents. But after a few years, curiosity got the best of me. I hired some private detectives and managed to track down the human that I carried inside me. To my surprise, the little rugrat had grown to be a 9-year-old boy trapped in a 30-year-old body.

I used this to my advantage, as I am roughly the same age as this miracle man. I befriended him, and invited him to join my band – as the drummer. If you have not guessed it yet, the fetus I carried was none other than Chris Saracino, drummer and immature man-boy of the setbacks.

We have a special bond, and to deny that would be criminal. We need to embrace life now, because you do not have much time left. At your current rate of growth, you will be 90 years old in only 10 more years. It will be sad, like the movie Jack starring Robin Williams.

I am only glad that you now know the truth, son.

Steve		 I can't hold a candle to that.

Paul		 Breathtaking.

Chris		 Since I wrote this question, and I don't want to be a miff in the muff, I can't really answer it, as I'm seeking advice from my bandmates. Maybe this will elicit an explanation from Trevor. I hope so.
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