What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Legal Advice Pls

May 8th, 2006

writes:

Yo guys. Saw the set on Sunday and u guys rocked! I'm actually writing cause I'm in a bit of a bind and I was hoping u could help. I need some legal help and I have nowhere else to turn. I know u Setbacks aren't lawyers but once you see my problem I think u'll understand!

Last weekend my apartment was stifling and cause it's an old building the heat is always coming on during the summer. I was literally dying of heat exhaustion when I screamed out loud "I'd sell my soul for a Dilly bar!!!". No sooner had I finished uttering those words, Lucifer himself was standing in my living room. He said he'd take me up on my offer if I really meant it. I told him I did and we shook hands to seal the deal. He told me to check my freezer and quickly took off down the fire escape. I ran into the kitchen expecting loads of the delicous DQ treats, but instead I found some President's Choice chocolate covered ice cream bars. As anybody who has experienced the Dilly-ciousness of Dilly bars would quickly point out- close, but not the same by a long shot.

Now guys, I am a forsaken soul... and for what? So the devil could save $1.29 on a six pack of ice cream treats? I feel like I should be appealing this transaction in a court of Satanic law but I'm not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?

Trevor	Listen ANONYMOUS! What you are going through is more common than you think. I know each one of us in the Setbacks have sold our souls. Not for anything you’d expect, like rock and roll success, or even talent. We, like you, all wasted our trades. I gave up the rights to my soul in exchange for a new vehicle in 1998. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quick enough to get specific, and before I could blink Satan was off with my soul and I was left holding the keys to a 1986 baby blue Chevrolet Celebrity. It ran well for another 4 years, but in the long run I don’t think it was worth eternal damnation. You, on the other hand, have a case against Lucifer. Any two-bit lawyer could tell you that the stipulated trade was never executed, and that you have retained the rights to your soul. But sadly (insert your own variation on the joke about all the best lawyers being in Hell).
Steve	Look man, if you're going to go head to head with the devil then you'd better be prepared. Lesson number one - don't try to beat him at his own game (i.e. being evil). Next to Tom Cruise, Satan is the most evil creature known to mankind. The odds of you defeating him in an evil fashion is highly unlikely. Your best bet is to hit him where he can't defend himself. I'm not talking about Beelzebub Jr. or little Lucifer here. What you need to do is crush him with niceness. How? Buy him a scone. Lend him your Dremel tools. Burn him a copy of that John Mayer album he's always asking you about. Stop at nothing to be his premier bud. Inevitably guilt will consume him and he'll buckle. The pure bonus is that you'll end up with a new friend. It's like I'm always telling Trevor's 2 year old infant daughter: the dark lord Satan is just a friend you haven't met yet!
Paul	Dilly bar?!? Are you sure? What were you thinking? Maybe a Blizzard, a Hurricane, or even a Flurry. Some type of chocolate mixed in ice cream combination that creates the perfect mix of dark and light. The dilly bar, although delicious, separates the chocolate and ice cream. I find this very racist. Did Rosa Parks refuse to sit at the back of the bus so that years later her ice cream and chocolate could be separte? I don't think so. I have applied this rational to my entire life. Beige everything. All my food, all my clothes, and all my thoughts. For example, if I listen to an AC/DC song from the Back in Black album I follow it up with a song from The Beatles White Album. Beige.
Chris	Wow. This is a "dilly" of a situation you've gotten yourself into here...hahaha. I've been waiting about 6 months to make a quip like that. Ahem...anyways.... Well you have a few things that you could argue here. I'm sure that you simply meant that you'd give your soul figuretively, not literally, for some dilly bars. Secondly, since you specifically stated that you'd in fact do that for "Dilly Bars", which are a trademarked DQ treat, the deal would stand if you were in fact provided what you stated you'd be willing to negotiate for, in this case, the holy energy that big J.C. upstairs gave you when you were born. Taking these stipulations into consideration, you have what they like to call on Law and Order, a "Raw Deal". You stated what you'd give up your soul for the creamy goodness of a particular brand. Since Lord Satan failed to deliver on that, and attempted to cheap you out, he has effectively nullified the said agreement. That is of course, assuming that there is a court of appeals in HADES. Listen, being a forsaken soul isn't all bad. I gave up my soul 4 years ago in a similar situation. I declared that I would give up my soul for a cure for syphillis. Sure enough, my problem cleared up, much to the amazement of my doctor. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I felt a bit chimped out when I put into perspective. There's also the midnight visits from demons and the sweats and visions of murder associated with having no holy spirit, but if you can live with that, then it ain't all that bad.

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