What Would the Setbacks Do?
Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com
SHOW YOUR ALLEGIANCE TO THE WHITE WITCH!
December 21st, 2005
Jack Fontana writes:
Dear Assholes,
Remember me? Jack Fontana here. Since our last exchange, I've started a new band, called "Forest Rape", and we're already charting in Europe and Norway. We are burning up the charts in Spain, and we're hoping to rip the charts up in Iceland this year. You all seemed to air a sense of being better than me the last time we spoke in this stupid advice column, but as you can see now, my band is doing better than The Setbacks, and you should bow to me.
Being the kind King of Metal that I am, I will give you the secret to my success. We worship The White Witch, the true Queen of Narnia. She has rewarded us with international successes on the metal scene, and we are grateful. You need to do the same thing, and hence my question, will you declare your allegiance to the rightful heir to the throne of Narnia, and dedicate your life to destroying Asland? The movie twisted the truth, as if you read the true scripture that I wrote, Asland is sliced in half by the Queen with a B.C. Rich electric guitar.
Anyways infidels, whose side are you on?
J.F.
 Trevor |
Listen FONTANA! I had no idea that Forest Rape was you! I love the album, I find it to be a revolutionary metal album, one that will likely change the face of popular music. I actually bought it for everyone I know for Christmas because I felt it wasn't getting enough exposure here in North America. I must say I am taken aback by the fact that this album is indeed a Jack Fontana project.
I especially love the song Walking in the Woods, but I find the lyrics of Rheinhold's Staff to be most deep: Deep in the mountains of Scandanavia Where souls fear to tread, unless they are bravia We came across a staff made of awesome gold It belonged to the ancient knight Rheinhold. chorus: I've got Rheinhold's staff This incredible item of power and incrediblenous I've got Rheinhold's staff In my hand In my soul In my mind Just a sample of Forest Rape. I urge everyone to pick it up today. And Jack, I hope that someday we can put our differences aside. Maybe you and I and Trodvor 2000 can start a band. It would be called Ultra. |
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 Steve |
Easy Fontana.
As I mentioned in my answer to the last advice question, the Setbacks are a band united in the desire to destroy all monarchies - whether they be fast food related, Narnian, or anything in between. Our collective disdain for royalty knows no bounds. I feel that I should also point out that the White Witch isn't even the keeper of the throne, the heir to the throne or in any way related to the throne of Narnia... so I guess my beef is with that kid Peter. Oh, and don't mock the Setbacks for long. I've recently introduced the power of intention to our band. During our weekly band scrapbooking sessions I've empowered the band use this ability to bring us fame and fortune. If all of us intend for the band to be successful, then it will happen - whether we feel it is out of our control or not. It's just a matter of time Fontana, just a matter of time. |
 Paul |
While shopping at the Brick the other day for a place to store my clothes I came upon a large antique wardrobe. Still being excited from the previous nights viewing of the Chroicals of Narnia, I entered the wardrobe hoping to enter the glorious world of Narnia. Sadly I was only greated with a face full of wood panel. Dazed from the impact I stumbled back, tripped over the matching end table, and ended up knocking myself unconcious. When I awoke I was still in quite the daze when I noticed that I was being aided by a magical creature. He was hairy and had hoofed feet. I had entered a new world!! Once I gained my bearings I realized that the new world was only the bedding department and the majical beast was just a hippy with socks and sandals.
Upon complaining about this wardrobe malfunction to the service department I met this "white witch" that you speak of. That high-on-power bitch could only give me a coupon for 12% off ottomans. Not eve a singe piece of turkish delight. |
 Chris |
Fontana,
I've really had enough of you. I hate the fact that we have a regular reader and heckler like you. If you were a normal guy, I wouldn't be so angered, but you are indeed a version of Andy from the 40 year old virgin that is an asshole, who likes metal. I have no humour in me as a result of your ridiculous question. |