What Would the Setbacks Do?

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You're Never Going to Believe This, But...

December 1st, 2005

Anonymous writes:

I was walking through the woods last week, taking a short cut home from work. The path I was following came to a little creek that was running peacefully. I sat and revelled in nature's beauty for a bit and eventually the sound of the rushing water got to me. Nature was calling, so I thought I'd answer. I went over to a nearby tree to relieve myself. I had my parts out to do the deed when I lost my footing. I fell down and my penis and balls touched a frog.

Long story short, I have genital warts. What do I do?


Trevor		 Listen ANONYMOUS, my grandmother used to say that genital warts were just burnmarks from God striking up a match, and not the result of contact with a frog. Though medical science has made many advances over the years, disproving many of my grandmother’s old sayings, I cannot find any textbook or reference where this theory is discredited.

Luckily, my parents still have a copy of Dr. Cornelius Causeworth’s Curse Cures for me to reference. This is the first known medical textbook, and many of its solutions still apply today. Dr. C. suggests the following for Genital Warts:

"In cases whereupon the patient has an illness such that warts appear in the most private of areas, do not in any circumstance come in contact with said patient. The cause of such an ailment is almost certainly the striking of a timber match stick by the Higher Power on the affected areas. Though it is most unfortunate that the Higher Power chose this particular area as flint, do not fret, for the cure is simple. One must fight fire with fire. Bring a cauldron of water to a brisk boil and add 1 cup of salt. Pour this boiling water onto the warts. This does cause much pain in the patient, however the warts will no longer be seen as a problem.

To treat the burn, please see my volume: Dr. Cornelieus Causeworth’s Burn and Bite Bible."

Hopefully this helps.



Steve		 This is unfortunate, indeed.

It's been a while since we've had to give out any penis advice. I was hoping our readers had maybe wised up and stopped doing ridiculous things to their genitals, but I guess I should have known it would just be a matter of time until somebody fell on a frog and pressed their penis and balls against it so that they got genital warts.

Regardless, you obviously have a problem that needs attention right away. What I might suggest to counteract the warts is to rub your penis and balls against nature's opposite to a frog - a naked beautiful woman. Once your tip touches her silky skin, the warts will float away faster than you can name 5 different Hall and Oates songs.

Paul		 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We have all been there. Fallen awkwardly and touched our family jewels to all sorts of things. I have lost count on the amount of times that while casually looking through my fridge I've looked down to find big Jim and the twins neck deep in the Cool Whip tub.

Sudden movements heed precautions as well. While on a trip to the local petting zoo we were in amongst the goats when a sharp noise alerted me. I spun around quickly. In my haste that morning I must have haphazardly connected my pants. With my pants open mid spin I ended up slapping one of the goats quite hard across his chin with my now-free one-eyed-snake. Not only had I insulted the goat but I also seemed to have caught the eye of one of the new born calfs.

There is great responsibility carrying the Shaft of Fertility. Use it wisely.

Chris		 The truth is, picturing you on bended knee, gingerly brushing your cock and balls against a frog by accident, is well, hilarious. I'm assuming that this is in fact what happened, because if you really lost your footing hard, you could have, or might have in fact, crushed the hell out of that frog with your genitals. The gross and hilarious possibilities of how you did, or how you could have done this are endless.

I don't think that you got genital warts from this. I think you got genital warts from a recent sex partner. Science says so. Frogs, believe it or not, are actually immune to all human STD's, and actually secrete a precious liquid that modern doctors use as a treatment to completely cure almost 90% of modern sexually transmitted diseases. It's a fact.

Conclusion: You're spouse, significant other, or booty call, is infected and needs to be quarantinned. I'd suggest using all the condoms, plus the box they came in if you're going to fish in that pond again, Bud.

Additional Information: I used to regularly have sex with frogs, tadpoles, and other creatures of the moss, as I like to say. I enjoyed waking up in the brisk mornings, grabbing my leather bound copy of "The Chronicles of Narnia", and sitting in a meadow, enjoying the tales of magic and far off kingdoms. I spent so much time out there, that I got bored, horny, and starting screwing anything that happened to be close to me. Long story short, I really do know first hand that frogs are not the STD culprit that you think they are.

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