What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Martial Farts

September 21st, 2005

Carlos Barlow writes:

Hi Guys,

I've got a small problem. I am a nationally ranked martial arts champion, and am well known for doing Jean Claude Van Damme style splits in the middle of my routines and matches. It's kind of my signature move. At one of my last matches, I executed this move, but also executed maximum flatulence at the exact same time. The martial arts community is maximum unforgiving, and I have since become a former shadow of myself in terms of my reputation because of this incident. Every time I enter the squared circle for a match, the crowd does not cheer, nor boo. They do the farting sound with their mouths.

This is maximum embarassing, and I need some advice on what to do to preserve what is left of my career. You have no idea the series of jokes that I get volleyed my way because of this, and I'm not sure if I can handle this anymore.

Thanks,

Carlos

Trevor	Listen BARLOW! Everyone must realize the maximum hilarity of farts. But what few people know is that they are a necessary part of human life, even a vital part. I knew a guy once who couldn't fart. Twice a week he had to go to the hospital to have his colon relieved. He had a valve installed on the small of his back into which the doctor would insert a tube and release the ultra concentrated gas. If he didn't go, his stomach would start to expand and eventually the gas would escape into his lungs. You want to talk bad breath you talk to this guy. So don't be so selfish, be thankful that you can let 'em rip.
Steve	I sympathize with your predicament, Carlos. I too know what it's like to live a life of embarassment caused by ill-timed (and grossly excessive) flatulence. Why, just the other day I was caught in an awkward situation when I let loose an atomic Bronx cheer in public. It didn't smell, but the noise was deafening. Needless to say the guy delivering the eulogy was very unimpressed. I've also regularly brought Setbacks practices to a grinding halt in mid-song with my hot Sulphur expulsions. We rehearse in a closed space with a few fans (the air circulating kind, not the human worshipping kind) so it doesn't take long for any "bad" air to quickly fill the room. It's created a lot of tension between the guys and myself and I hope that my new charcoal underpants will help to remedy the situation. But I digress. My advice to you Carlos is this: if anybody makes fun of you, fart in their face. I like to call this deadly manoeuvre a "Dutch punch".
Paul	Hey dude. Simple answer: Cut out the dairy. Dairy products are the leading catalyst in gas production. I'm not sure on the exact chemical reations but it has something to do with the calcium and your stomach acid combining. The other option is to wear 5 pairs of thick underwear when fighting. This will muffle all rectal trumpet solos.
Chris	You should wear pants with just the bumhole cut out of them. There is no preserving anything, so just apply reverse psychology on everyone. Play it up, as a matter of fact, celebrate your flatulence. Make it a personal party that everyone is invivted to. In the end, what is it? Natural. That's what it is. Gas that we produce. At least that's what everyone says who breaks wind by accident and then tries to justify it. The crappy part about all of this, is that people are a lot less likely to dismiss something like farting when you're doing cool shit like martial arts or being a ninja. They're not supposed to fart, so going back to my original suggestion, you need to flip it on everyone. I don't know...what the hell kind of problem is this anyways?

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