What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Cunning Linguist?

June 1st, 2005

J. Peterson writes:

Hey guys, just a quick question.

I'm a virgin and plan to be until I'm married. I have been with my current girlfriend for 5 months. I have told her my views on sex and she seems to be cool with it. The other day we were on the couch making out quite passionately when my girlfriend wispered into my ear "How about you please me orally?" She had never asked this before but I felt quite obliged. I sat back and started telling her the grand tale of how my grandfather lost his leg in the war. Before I even got to the best part of the story, my girlfriend rolled her eyes and stormed off.

Do you think my girlfriend hates war veterans?


Trevor		 Listen PETERSON! We get quite a lot of emails from chaps confused by requests from their ladies. It seems the sexual revolution of the 60’s has not been passed onto the next generation of men. I mean, who wants to talk sex with their father while driving in a car, or sitting at a nice dinner. That is what mothers and daughters do. Fathers and sons build things and play sports and pat each other while hugging uncomfortably.

This lack of communication has lead to the females knowing all sorts of down and dirty tricks in the sac, while the dude is left to straight up figure it out on the fly. Until I got married, I thought intercourse involved the belly button. I remember this one time I thought I was having sex with my lady, but suddenly I heard her voice coming from over by the elevator buttons. I looked up and she was all standing there looking quite unsatisfied. I didn’t even realize she had gotten up. The other people in the elevator looked at me and I could see disappointment in their eyes. It hurt my soul.

My only advice is to engage in open and honest conversations with your lady about your lack of knowledge, and your need to have her bring you up to speed concerning things related to her goods. Ladies like to think they are teaching you things; it is like being a mother but not in a weird way.



Steve		 Mistake number 1: being a virgin until you're married. This might have been the way to do it in the 1800's, but today this is seen as an extreme turnoff to most ladies who want to take the car for a test drive before they drop the cash and drive it off the lot. So it's up to you to park your car in her garage before she finds some other dude who'll park his in there first. If you absolutely refuse to go into the garage, then just let her do a little inspection under the hood... sounds like she'd like you to check under her hood too. After that, teach her to drive stick. If she hasn't got her license yet, then send her back to driver's ed until she gets her 365... if you catch my drift.

Paul		 I am going to impart some very important advice to you right now Peterson. Keep your mouth shut. Talking only leads to trouble. What can really help you is a lot of head nodding and "un huh's". If you have had a bad couple days at work or your gambling has lost you a bunch of money and your girlfriend asks you "What is wrong?" or "Why don't you tell me about your problems?" here is the winning answer. You simply say "Babe, I love you so much and I wish that I could buy you all the diamonds in the world. When I realize that I can't, it really brings me down. I just want to make you happy."

If you don't get a batch of cookies or a smokin BJ from this, there is something wrong with your girlfriend.

Chris		 I have no doubt that your girlfriend hates war veterans. That's a no no.
There is however the good chance that she also wants you to eat food in front of her. Maybe make up for the potential lapse in understanding with a delectable rack of ribs, perfectly cooked. Eat with your mouth open, and ensure that full mastication is viewed. Surely, your girlfriend will be ecstatic with delight, and it will make up for the gaffe on your part.
Anticipating the response of one Steve Palmer, who has crowned himself the King Of Oral Pleasure, do not take his advice, and eat mashed potatoes. The ladies actually quite hate the texture. If I had a dime for every time Steve and I have a beer, and he begins one of his lectures on if you want to get your girl wet....I'd have a million dollars, and if it were his way, the entire inventory of potatoes in Ireland.
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