What Would the Setbacks Do?
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Neglecteroni: My Italian Friend
May 11th, 2005
Rod Hyundai writes:
Hey guys,
I've got this friend, and he's Italian. He doesn't seem to want to write, or call back. I phoned his cell phone the other day, and left him a message. His answering machine said, "Hi, you've reached the voice mail of (undisclosed Italian name). I am currently sipping on some Drakkar Noir, eating pepperoni using drumsticks in my new mondetta hat and natural fur coat, and have no time for your half japanese banter. Please die."
Now, I am half japanese, and my first instinct was to get mad. So I left the following message: "Like Sato in the Karate Kid 2, you will soon realize that you have made a big mistake. However, if you should ever have a large wooden post struck down upon you by lightning and wind, I unlike Miyagi will not come to your aid." Then I played "The Glory of Love" by Peter Cetera for a few minutes on his answering machine.
Should I just take the hint that this dude doesn't want to hang out anymore, or should I assume he was talking to one of his other half japanese friends on his voicemail message?
Please help.
 Trevor |
Listen HYUNDAI! Sometimes friends fall out of love. When it happens, someone invariably gets hurt. In this case, that someone is you. This will sting for a long time, but time mends all wounds. Except for incurable diseases and amputations. Time also has no effect on healing blindness or deafness.
Time can make you more intelligent, but only if you use your time wisely. The best thing about time making you more intelligent is that given enough time, you will eventually become smart enough to master time travel. Then who’s the boss, you or time? I will tell you who: YOU! Rod Hyundai – Master of Time. How is that for a title? Keep it. Consider it my friendship breakup gift to make you forget about your Italian ex-friend. |
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 Steve |
The half Japanese are a tricky breed. Italians are, quite possibly, even tougher to figure out. The relationship between you two is obviously very volatile and destined to fail - like so many Japanese before you have at ice hockey and so many Italians before him have at keeping their chest hair at bay. You should just accept that you can't be friends and move on. And while you're at it, pick up Peter Cetera's latest effort "You Just Gotta Love Christmas", featuring the sleeper hit "Something that Santa Claus Left Behind". Classic Cetera - you sure as heck won't be leaving this album behind! |
 Paul |
Daniel: Hey, what kind of belt do you have?
Miyagi: Canvas. JC Penny. Three ninety-eight. You like? [laughs] Daniel: No, I meant... Miyagi: Daniel-san... karate here. [he taps his head] Miyagi: Karate here. [he taps his heart] Miyagi: Karate never here [points to his belt] Miyagi: Understand? |
 Chris |
Dear Todd Matsunaga,
First of all. I know it's you. Rod Hyundai. Yeah ok. I just called you back to break things off. Todd, I gotta tell you, I really didn't appreciate it when you asked me if you could teabag my face. I googled "teabag", and was horrified to find out what it was. I now know why you were winking and licking your lips at me the other day when we were hanging out, and why you were moaning at me when you mentioned how you thought you should do this to me. So now you know, I just don't want you balls on my face. OK? ...and don't try turning this around on me. Don't make it seem like I am being a lousy friend. I want no man's balls on my face. |