What Would the Setbacks Do?
Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com
Knutty Kneighbor
April 27th, 2005
Lionel Zeppelin writes:
I live in an apartment building that is both pleasant and clean. It's quiet, reasonable in terms of the rent, and is close to where I work. I have an elderly neighbor who is really nice. I'm sure you know the type. She's very talkative, and likes to gossip. Since I moved in, we chat for a while whenever I run into her. She always asks me if I'd like to have a drink whenever I do see her. I always take a raincheque, because she is a motormouth, and half the time doesn't remember my name. I can handle a quick 10 minute pleasant chat in the hallway whenever I see her, but going into her apartment is another thing all together. Recently, she's been getting wise and aggressive with me. She insists that I am now just shrugging off what could potentially be the "best lay of my life", and often loses her cool with me, grabbing her bosoms, and yelling "You could a had these, with some Michelobs, but you're too stupid to come in"! Seconds ago, literally, I just put together that this woman wants to engage in some sexual activity with me, and to say the least, it horrifies me. I've never met someone so forward and demanding, and to top it all off, she is also very old. It's gotten so bad, that she has resorted to banging on the wall in the middle of the night, and screaming "Whenever you want, the door's open!"
I can feel her presence in my bedroom, and I dare invite anyone to my home. This is quite the scene, as you can imagine, and I hardly have the energy to deal with it myself.
Help.
 Trevor |
Listen ZEPPELIN! Sometimes the ricketiest, oldest roller coasters are the most fun. So buckle in and prepare for the ride of your life.
In keeping with the ‘old people as roller coaster’ analogy, you could call her The Bat. I love that roller coaster! It goes backwards and is frightening! |
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 Steve |
Wow. Her choice of Michelob is very telling. This says a lot about her character - for example, she has no taste buds - a decrease in the ability to taste is a possible sign of a rabies infection. You should approach this woman with extreme caution and avoid coming into contact with her saliva if possible. It's not your love she wants. She wants to pick at your garbage for food and find a place to nest in your apartment. Your best bet to keep her away is to use animal-proof garbage lids and eliminate any sites that can be used for sleeping or raising young. Remember, animals infected with rabies can smell fear so you always want to act cordial when you pass her in the hall. Just follow these simple steps she'll find somebody else in your building to harass. |
 Paul |
The thing that you have been doing wrong is that when you talk to her, you probably just make small talk and ask her about things that would interest her. The key is to getting old people to stop talking to you is to talk about things that either make them mad or things that they don't understand. Here is a list of possible topics:
1) Same sex marriages. 2) Computer networking. 3) Teenagers. 4) Reality TV. 5) Lesbian Bukkake. |
 Chris |
This is quite the situation you've found yourself in. I warn you though, do not engage in any sexual activity with the old. They have a very commonly found STD called "The Oldness", that extinguishes any youth. 24 hours after the sordid act, you shall find yourself enjoying frozen yogurt, hanging around malls, and wearing a lot of plaid.
Think about it. |