What Would the Setbacks Do?
Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com
Digital Discovery!
April 19th, 2005
Miles "Smiles" Anderson writes:
I just picked up a shit-hot new PDA that is basically an entire computer jammed into something the size of a cell phone. It's got all the bells and whistles, including a back scratcher, shoehorn and built-in camera. I leant my phone to my girlfriend last weekend because she went up to a cottage with all the girls and I wanted to have a way to get a hold of her in case she got lost in the woods. When I got the phone back and started browsing through some of the photos she took I was startled to find out that not only did she not go to the cottage, she went to her ex's pad and had sex with him all weekend. This upset me quite a bit, but it didn't even come close to preparing me for what I was about to discover. In one of the photos there appears to be a unicorn in the background. Now, it is my understanding that unicorns are long extinct, but I'm pretty sure I can make out a horse-like creature with a spike-like object in it's forehead-like area... right next to the wang of my girlfriend's ex.
I want to show my friends this photo because I feel like I've made an amazing discovery, but doing so would be quite embarassing given the fact that my girlfriend is clearly being pumped by her ex in it. What can I do?
 Trevor |
Listen ANDERSON, this is difficult for me to tell you, but unicorns are not real. You have made a very emotionally crippling discovery with these photos showing your soon to be ex-girlfriend getting her nasty on with another man. Sometimes when the brain takes in information like this, it goes into emotional shock. In this case, that shock is manifesting itself as a unicorn. DO NOT show this picture to other people, they will not see the unicorn. They will only see your girlfriend in a compromising position.
It will be hard for your brain to let go of this fantasy, as right now it likely the only thing keeping you from having an all out emotional breakdown. But as you come to accept your girlfriend cheating on you, the unicorn will disappear from the picture like the McFly family does in Marty's photo in Back to the Future (the one thing I never understood here is why the people on the photo disappear, but the photo itself doesn't disappear - implying that in the future someone will take a photo of those hedges the McFly children are standing in front of. I doubt someone would take that photo. Time travel is confusing, even for the brilliant writing of Robert Zemeckis). |
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 Steve |
Now, listen to me Miles. For hundreds of years, people throughout the world have become familiar with unicorn sightings. Thousands of unicorn encounters are reported every year from all over the world but few are investigated, and none have ever been verified. Though the popular image of the unicorn is that of a white horse differing only in the horn, the traditional (and true) unicorn has a billy-goat beard, a lion's tail, and cloven hoofs, which distinguish him from a horse. True unicorns survive on a steady diet of enchanted hay and respond favourably to fantasy-oriented music (usually of the prog-rock genre) such as Rush, Yes and early Devo.
Before you report any unicorn sighting to the local authorities please keep this information in mind as it will greatly reduce the number of hoax unicorn sightings and hundreds of wasted man-hours spent by unicorn sighting investigation teams. Thank you. |
 Paul |
First of all you need to talk to your girlfriend. Surely, you must be mad at her for cheating on you but the more important thing here is to find out the whereabouts of the unicorn. The reason that the unicorn population was reduced to what it is today is because of the medicinal properties of the actual "horn". It has been said that ingesting powdered unicorn horn will increase the size of your hee-hoo. Once you have the unicorn, grow your weiner, have sex with your girlfriend, and then dump her. Then she will forever regret cheating on you. |
 Chris |
Unicorns. The mythical and exhilirating creatures of folklore. They exist, and not just in our dreams and fantasies. I too have seen a pack of unicorns, running through the woods majestically. I unfortunately had no pocket digital camera to capture the magical moment with, but have etched it, mentally, into my brain. Whenever I am having a bad day, I begin humming "Dreamweaver" by Gary Wright to myself, and I close my eyes, as if forever, and think of that fantastic moment.
I pity you for having your unicorn experience tainted by the obvious infidelity of your girlfriend. It's a shame that another man's genitals are ruining that photo. You're having a bad day...maybe you should try my method. Instead of thinking of my unicorns though, I would prefer that you thought of Falcor, from The Neverending Story. Someone recently told me that he is a perfect combination of magical golden retrievers and incredible polar bears. Two angelic species. He has the same majestic status as unicorns, and should do the trick. Finally. Yes, show your friends. You'd be a fool not too. |