What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Still a man. I swear.

March 28th, 2005

S. Bowman writes:

Hey there guys, I've been reading your advice for a while and I hope that you will give me your honest opinion about this problem.

I am a tall, fit, young man. I love sports, cars, and going out for drinks with my friends. About a month ago my girlfriend, who lives with me, was out for the night so I had the house to myself. I ran a hot bath and opened up a bottle of wine that I had just bought and was excited to try. After the bath I decided to watch a movie from our DVD collection. I decided on "Love Actually". I was getting cozy on the couch in my bath robe, drinking wine, and watching "Love Actually" when my girlfriend came home (much earlier then expected). She walked into the living room and proceeded to stare at me, then the TV, then back to me, and back to the TV, in utter disbelief. "What are you doing!?!" she asked me with a look of complete disgust on her face. I tried to explain but it was too late.

For the last month my girlfriend has felt distant and even though she has denied it multiple times, I swear I have overheard her wispering to herself "Where did his penis go, where did his penis go...."

What should I do?


Trevor		 This is all about failed expectations. Your lady expected you to be the man, but it turns out under that gruff exterior, you are a lady. It is disappointing to her, but she'll come around. She will have to accept you for the wine-drinking, lily-kisser that you are.

It's like the time I arrived at band practice and noticed Steve's car was there. I thought I was early and would be first. Anyway, he mustn't have been expecting me because when I walked in the room he was wearing nothing but a fur coat, and excessive amounts of make up. He was kissing a painting of Chet (which his parent's had commissioned of him when he was around 14) and pretending they were on a boat. He kept saying things like "I hope the waves aren't too rough for you" and "The salty air really chaps my lips". Then he would kiss the painting again.

At this point I let presence be known, and we were caught in an uncomfortable situation. I was disappointed because I didn't know Steve did stuff like that. We haven't spoken of it since, but I am over it now. Just like someday your girlfriend will be over this. Just give it time.

Steve		 Faithful advice readers,

You may have noted my extended absence from giving useful advice. I've been out and about prancing around the English countryside and through the cobblestone streets of London for the past little while and I'd like to formally announce my return to the pages of the WWSD column.

Let's get right into this one... here's how you can save face in this kind of a situation:

  • The bath robe: tell her that your all your gitch was in the wash

  • The movie: tell her you were just fast-forwarding to the parts with Kiera Knightley so that you could slap the salami a bit

  • The wine: tell her it's pig's blood or something

That's damage control in a nutshell. Aces. Hope that works out, bud.

And Trevor, I really wish you hadn't shared that with everybody.

Paul		 I think that your best bet is to re-establish your manhood. Make your women know that you are the one who wears the pants in the relationship.
1) Build something. Ideally something that involves lots of big tools and not just an allen key.
2) Cook steaks on the BBQ. Make them big and bloody with NO side salad.
3) Smack her on the forehead with your penis.

Chris		 Why and how is this weird?
My idea of a nice night is opening a perfectly chilled bottle of champagne, breaking out some After Eight mints, and watching my two favorite movies, Hope Floats and Love Story, while wearing my favorite robe and flipping through a Bed, Bath, & Beyond catalogue or flyer. Also, some incense or scented candles fill out the evening. I sometimes even send out a personal invitation to that special someone...myself!



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