What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Issues in The Nether Regions

March 21st, 2005

Bobby Energies writes:

Hi Setbacks,

I'm a blunt guy with a blunt problem. I get straight to the point on everything in life, because life is too short to waste on beating around the bush. If you're not a straight shooter on stuff, and tell it like it is, you're wasting your time. With that said, here it goes. I have a scathing and bulbous boil on the tip of my genitals. The problems are as follows:

1. I don't know what it is. I've had it for three years.
2. The boil bursts on my jeans when I walk. The membrane that holds the fluid in is very thin, and breaks easily. To make matters worse, I can't hide contents of the boil as they run down my leg. It looks like watery cookie dough.

Thoughts or suggestions?

Trevor	Listen ENERGIES! Do what I did! Get yourself a home lance kit, and do it quick. Do not let this thing get out of hand. You see, I had a somewhat similar problem. During exams back in my school years, I had been locked in my room for a few days just stone cold studying, all up to my armpits in quadratic equations. I did not shower, shave, or pursue any of my normal hygiene routine. I really wanted to get a good grade so that god would be proud of me. Anyways, on the first day, I accidentally stabbed myself in the neck with a pencil while pondering an especially difficult problem. I guess a piece of lead became lodged in there. The next morning it was like a marble in my neck, all swollen. Only it was soft. I could even push it around. By the end of that day if was more the size of a softball. In addition, it was hardening. I poked it with my pencil, and it leaked profusely. When I got the clear liquid to congeal, I went to bed and forgot about it. The next day I woke up and I looked like a two-headed person! It was as large as my head; it even forced me to cant my head at a 45-degree angle. Upon closer inspection I could see veins had grown around it, and there was even a patch of hair growing. I was worried so I emerged from my room to ask my roommate Munch for some advice. He was quite horrified to see me in this state, which was not encouraging, and unfortunately, he had no advice for me. He ran upstairs to vomit while I hit up the local pharmacy. The small Asian man behind the counter suggested a home lance kit. He had some imported from Vietnam (I lived in China town in those days) and he sold it to me for a reasonable price. I also bought a pair of flip flops and an unidentified root which he said would ward off evil spirits. When I got home, I had a lot of trouble with the instructions, since it was all in Vietnamese, but it seemed simple enough. There was a large, sharp stick about the size of a chopstick, two cloths that smelled like ammonia, and a cheesecloth type of sack. So I did my best (Munch would not help me) in the mirror of the small bathroom, while standing in the tub. I should mention that by this time, the boil had grown larger than my head and it was throbbing visibly. My neck was sore, and I was always bumping the boil on doorframes and such. It was very painful. Anyways, I stood in the tub, placed the medicated ammonia clothes within reach (I had figured these would be to clean the wound), and covered the boil with the cheesecloth as best I could. It barely covered 25% of the growth. Then I took a shot of whiskey, bit down on a small throw pillow, and stabbed the boil with the chopstick lance. The stab caused a large blow out. The kick back forced my head into the ceramic tiles in the tub very hard and knocked me out cold. When I came to, I was lying in the tub, and it was overflowing with greenish yellow thick sludge mixed with blood. The smell was putrid, but that was the least of my worries. Luckily, the faucet was caught in the now loose extra skin that was left from the exploded boil as I fell, otherwise I surely would have drowned that day. I tried to get out of the tub, and to the safety of my room (I still had some studying to do), but I was pretty light headed from losing all that fluid. I ended up falling into the tub all the way. As the thick mixture of mucus and urine entered every orifice in my head (I had surmised that during my unconsciousness my bladder had vacated), I thought I might die. My life flashed before my eyes as the pea soup thick liquid entered my nose and mouth, cutting off my precious air supply. I struggled against it, but had become so weak that my flailing did nothing but kick up some of the thickest sludge that had settled at the bottom of the tub. I felt everything going grey, the bitter taste of the bile was becoming distant and I prepared to black out again, this time possibly forever. As I thought about my friends and family and tried to send them positive energy during my death so as not to curse them, a wonderful thing happened. My roommate Munch came bursting in. He had noticed the green slime trickling slowly down the stairs and was obviously curious (he later admitted to going to get his old shoes on, so as to not ruin his socks). He saw me flailing in the tub, reached in, and pulled me out by the loose neck skin. I was saved by the miracle of friendship. Later that day I cut the extra skin off with the kitchen scissors, and used some Crazy Glue to patch up the hole. I took me a long time to clean the bathroom (Munch never used it again, preferring to shower at gyms and relieve himself in the backyard with the rest of the bums). I even suffered for a few days from ‘ghost boil’, where I would cant my head and turn sideways to go through doors to allow for the non-existent boil. To this day, I still believe that I was saved by my positive thoughts and energy, though Munch insists it was the smell. The moral of the story is to have awesome friends, AND LANCE THAT BOIL!
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	This is officially one of the most disgusting things that I have ever read. If I write any more I will be forced to vomit on the keyboard.
Chris	Hey Paul Townsend! Heads up. If you think that this is gross, let me tell you about the time when a friend of mine had this giant boil on his knee, that burst when he put on a pair pants. The contents of the boil smelled like vinegar and hot pickled eggs, and it was steaming when it broke. He found a fingernail and what looked to be mustard in the boil when he removed his pants, and he has a permanent yellow blotch on his foot from the crap that came out of it seeping down his leg.

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