What Would the Setbacks Do?
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Last Minute Valentine's Day Advice
February 14th, 2005
Ricky B. writes:
Hello Setbacks. I have a serious situation here. This morning when I got up to go to work, my girlfriend had already woken up and made me hotcakes and sausages. This is odd, because normally she sleeps until General Hospital comes on at 2pm, then calls me to tell me what she wants for supper. I knew there had to be an explaination - I mean, who cooks sausages in a crotchless teddy! I don't think I need to tell you I was a little late for work! You know what I'm saying!?
Anyways, that obviously isn't the problem. The problem is that as I was trying to clean the maple syrup off of my special parts, she wanted to know what romantic plans I had for tonight! Well I almost shat myself right then and there. I managed to avoid the question and ran out for work.
Now I need to know what the hell I should do for tonight? I hadn't made plans, and it's Valentine's day so all the restaurants I've called this morning are booked. I don't want to end up just getting Swiss Chalet take out and renting some soft core porn... PLEASE HELP!
 Trevor |
Listen RICKY! There are lots of amazingly romantic things you can do for a special lady on V-Day without even leaving the house. I will suggest to you a few things, even though I've never done them myself. And I think if my significant other reads this, she will be angry that I have these ideas but don't use them. This could be the end of my relationship, but I swore an oath to help those that come to the Setbacks for help. Here goes:
Draw an nice warm bath, and fill it with Mr. Bubbles. Sprinkle some rose petals on the top, and light some scented candles around the edge of the tub. Select scents that are especially nice for the lady, such as lavender. Do not use that joke candle your buddy gave you that smells like feces. Also, make sure you clean out the tub first, you don't want a two week old pube ruining the mood. Now you're set for loving. If you don't like baths (lots of people don't like soaking in their own filthy water) try making a nice picnic meal (finger foods and sauces, delicious sandwiches cut into four, etc). I realize it's winter out, so what you'll do is spread the blanket somewhere in your house where you wouldn't normally eat, such as the basement. Light some scented candles and feed her food and wine. Then make sweet love behind the furnace, or on the hot water heater. Also: wear a crotchless teddy yourself. |
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 Steve |
Like Trevor, I swore an oath to dole out valuable advice on this website and I can't stand to sit by and watch a brother suffering needlessly.
Ricky - you're not in bad shape at all. I know how to read women and this one is so dead simple it's like she was edited, published, printed in hard and soft cover, and made available at Chapter's locations across Canada. Here's how I see it...
All signs point to a guys night out. She's obviously made her own plans for this evening and wants you to do the same. Why do you think she got up 7 hours earlier than usual? That's right - so she can say she put in her token "boyfriend time" and then go out with the girls tonight feeling guilt free. Call your buds and arrange for some serious poker with beer and Cuban stogies. If you really want to impress her... and I mean, if you really want to show her how much you understand her feminine needs... have the poker game at your place and have all your pals there drinking and filling the kitchen with farts by the time she gets home. Trust me... it's what she wants you to do. |
 Paul |
Holy crap! Valentines day is today!! I'm in so much trouble. |
 Chris |
Hahahahahahaha...for a second I thought it was Ricky J. The Canadian asshole Ali G wannabe who made hip-pop records back a few years ago, and toured with Snow! If anything deserves an eye roll, it's that wanker.
Ok here is the good news and bad news. Good news first. Good News: If your girlfriend made you flapjacks and syrup, and presented it in a crotchless teddy, you have a fine woman there. Don't lose her! She obviously cares about you, and is making an effort to relay what seems to be her genuine affection and romantic feelings towards you. She is then having the sex with you after feeding you. This is all amazing stuff! Bad News: You have no plans, and if you are attempting at making them on Valentine's Day, you are fucked. Don't bother, because Burger King will prollly not have a seat available tonight. You are a dick head. Solution: Buy lube, and get ready to jerk off for a long time until you find a woman who is willing to do that again. They are an endangered species. You really fucked this one up. She is going to leave you. Take my advice seriously, and if you're lucky to find anyone else who is willing to do that, you best STAMP february 14th on your johnson (as per my penis post-it notes advice), and make sure you remember the shit out of this date from now on. |