What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Unwanted House Guest

February 8th, 2005

Jeremiah B. writes:

Hello Setbacks,

Long time reader, first time writer. My situation is this: my girlfriend's brother has been staying in our apartment since he got laid off from Canada Post (instead of delivering mail he was stashing it in the woods everyday).

This was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, but it's been almost 7 years now. I'm beginning to think he's taking advantage of our hospitality. I'm also starting to have doubts as to his relationship with my girlfriend. They say they're from a close family, but isn't it strange for a grown brother and sister to spoon on our couch under blankets while watching soft core pornography? Also, I don't want to sound like a racist, but can an obviously Asian lady have a brother who is completely without any trace of Asian features?

How do I approach this subject without hurting anyone's feelings?


Trevor		 Listen JEREMIAH! Before you go playing the race card on this close-knit family, do some snooping. Do it up Private Dick style. Get a fedora, a cheap suit, and a magnifying glass. Wait until you are alone in the house. Then go down like Encyclopedia Brown on the place. Get right into it, all searching through underwear drawers, all unrolling balled up snotty Kleenexes, tasting dust bunnies you find under the ottoman. You need some cold hard evidence before you go accusing.

Here’s what you are looking for: DNA! It is the answer to everything. I once dated a girl I thought might be my cousin, so one time after getting stone cold nasty on her step dad’s kitchen table, I took a swab of fluid from the mess left behind. Just use a Q-Tip, they’re every amateur sleuths’ best friend. Anyway, I took it to the lab, and the fancy software concluded we were not cousins. I dumped her anyway, because it turned out that the DNA test showed that she was actually an iguana, and not human at all. But that’s a story for another time.



Steve		 Dear Jeremiah,

It sounds like you're the victim of a classic postal worker scam. I saw this on Dateline Tuesday. Here's the basic idea: a con-artist posing as a mail delivering sibling approaches young couples and claims that he's just lost his job and asks if he can stay with the couple until he finds new work. Once inside, this is where the real scamming begins... the con-artist sets up a cot for months or even years in the couple's home, and after he's totally comfortable in his new surroundings he'll begin to put himself in situations with the lady of the house that are sexually suggestive and intentionally designed to make the man of the house feel awkward and threatened. This will go on for several weeks until such time as the man becomes so upset that he emails an advice-seeking question to his favourite band. While the man awaits the response from said band, the con-artist robs the couple blind and steals the girl. Sorry dude.

Paul		 LAY DOWN THE LAW!!!

Are you going to let this post-Post worker walk all over you? There is a time in every mans life where you have to put your foot down. I think you should have probably done this 6 and a half years ago but better late then never. You are way past warnings. I say the next time you see him, you punch him right in the face and kick him out.

Chris		 Hey man,

Racism is not cool. You can have a brother that is totally asian, and be black in today's awesome society of equality, justice, and ACCEPTANCE. Maybe someone should check themselves. Already it seems that you have a hate on for this man, your girlfriend's brother! What gives?

As for the spooning, I'd say it sounds a bit exagerated. Don't you think? Seeing as that you see everything through the eyes of a clansmen, are they really spooning, or simply celebrating their closeness with a quick glimpse on the tele of Jeepers Creepers? Soft core porn, eh? Honestly, honestly.... this is a total fabrication, isn't it? You are having intimacy problems with your girlfriend, and are looking into the relationship with her bro way too much.

I'm also sure he was wrongfully dismissed from his job, and you fabricated that story about the woods being his personal mail dump. Get your head out of your ass, ass.
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