What Would the Setbacks Do?
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Christmas Awkwardness
December 14th, 2004
Benjamin Hanna writes:
Dear Setbacks,
Two words: Christmas Predicament
My girlfriend met my grandfather for the first time last weekend as we roll into the holidays. My granddad, who is a great guy, but is...well...let's say, a little less than socially graceful, made a few errors in judgement when introduced to her that I fear has complicated my relationship with her, and has also given her a terrible impression of where I come from.
My girlfriend Lorraine came over for a dinner at folks' house, and granddad was there. Upon introducing them, he asked me in front of her, if I had ever seen her underwear. She laughed it off. He then proceeded to ask me if I had ever felt her breasts, and tickled her groceries. We all nervously laughed, and she was mortified and beet red. My father asked my grandfather what "groceries" were, and my grandfather, in all of his 80 year old glory, peace signed my dad, and then stuck his tongue in the middle. THE UNIVERSAL SIGN FOR ORAL SEX ON WOMEN! My girlfriend was disgusted, began crying, which led to my grandfather insisting that he rub her posterior for good luck and to make her stop crying. My house was a dirty joke shop that night to say the least. Now, my girlfriend claims that she isn't into Christmas, and that she didn't get me anything for the holidays. I think she might break up with me!
Help me save my relationship!
 Trevor |
Listen HANNA! Grandfathers have every right to act however they please. Whether this involves the grotesque situation you've described, or any other embarrassin scene, they've earned that right. This dude has sired a family, and then put in his time on this planet. It's about time he kicks back and says what's really on his mind. I must point out that this only applies to people over 72.
So next time your grandpa makes a gesture that you deem to be socially unacceptable, give him the props he deserves for living life. When you see an elderly man peeing in the corner at the mall, give him a pat on the back. When you catch an elderly woman touching herself on the bus, tell her she's alright. If you come across two octogenarians racing their Bandit brand motorized scooters through Carlingwood Mall, hitch a ride and let them know you whole heartedly agree. The elderly deserve our respect. You'd be wise to stay away from ladies who think otherwise. |
|---|---|
 Steve |
So Ben, what's the good word?
Have you seen her underwear? Felt her ta-tas? Tickled her groceries? Flipped her burgers? Made her a BLT? Deep fried her french fries? Steamed her cabbages? Boiled her perrogies? Sometime I'll show you how to boil a girl's perrogies. Then she'll be butter in your asparagus leaves. |
 Paul |
Awaiting wisdom... |
 Chris |
Hey Ben,
I think it's about high time you had a conversation with someone. You know who that is? Yourself. What I like to do is look in the mirror, and repeat, "I AM GREAT!", and "I AM GOOD". Doing this, and also clenching your fists until they bleed will be effective in convincing yourself that you can overcome this. Happy Holidays! |