What Would the Setbacks Do?
Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com
Thoroughly Disgusted With This Great Capital's Newspapers!!!!
September 30th, 2004
Edwin Pancakes writes:
Hello,
I've been in media and communications for a long time. I've written a column or two, namely for The Globe and Mail and La Presse magazine. You might remember "In Between The Lines" by Edwin Pancakes, which had a 12 year run in both publications. It is safe to say that I am an expert in print media.
I recently returned to Ottawa after a long sabbatical with my wife, and as I waited for our valet one night, picked up a copy of The Ottawa Xpress. I think that in my opinion, it would be uncouth and unprofessional to mention the particular writer, but this individual's column was so alarmingly disgusting and uninformative, that I had to say something. I heard through the community that your...ahem..."band"....was known to associate with this person. I will openly admit to be being ignorant about "rock and roll music". I asked some of my associates at the National Arts Center about The Setbacks One Track Mind, and they had no idea what I was talking about. I was fortunate enough to google your name, and came across this website. I expect that you will relay the following comments and criticisms to this individual. I would have just emailed her directly from the paper, but I was so compelled to throw the wretched rag from my hands, that I didn't bother to note her contact information.
This person writes articles about perusing your intimate partner's genital areas. This person writes articles about defecating on bathroom floors. This person writes articles about her significant other's genitals sticking out of perfectly good military slacks. Wow. It seems like she is a talented writer? I violently disagree. As far as I am concerned, this abomination is making not only a mockery of journalism, but also of computers and pencils, as I assume that this person uses them to write up this trash. I find it unnacceptable to investigate my wife's vagina, and would prefer not to be moved to do so by someone. I do not see the sense in this, and frankly, it is sickening. I am perfectly capable of "having sexual intercourse" with my partner, without asking them if they would engage in ludicrous sexual positions, or alternatives. I am deeply offended, as I expect every other decent person in this city would be, with the suggested notion that people who do not do these things are not having good sex. The writer in question also made mention of the fact that this is something that the majority of women want. I ask, what in God's name gives this maniac the right to say something like this? I have been to Sierra Leone on business. I have been to Bosnia and South Africa through periods of investigative reporting. I am well acquainted and versed in what real journalism is. This theory is ludicrous, and borders an outrageous lie. This pitiful column in the great nation's capital is essentially creating a capital society of perverse and misinformed people, who will be looking for their partner's willywaddles and privates details in the hopes that it will improve their intimate lives. I say, write about something important and significant. Thank you in advance for getting my message across.
Good day to you sirs,
E.P.
 Trevor |
Listen PANCAKES! There is too much negativity in this world. I for one am looking to put an end to this through my new idea. It is a "friend club". Once we are all pals, the world will again be an awesome place!
I am going to invite both you and the writer in question to join me for this particular friends club. It will be called "Buds and Suds". I have not yet decided if we should meet and have beers or do laundry. I will be starting many different friends clubs with different people. Here are some other friend clubs I'm working on: Mates and Skates (for an awesome time on the canal!) Pals and Decals (what's better than working on your sticker book with a pal!?) Cronies and Ponies (ridin' and being friends!) Chums and Rums (drinkin' chums are chums forever!) Comrades and Gonads (i don't really know what we'll do at this one yet) |
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 Steve |
Awaiting wisdom... |
 Paul |
Let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. Not me. Someone else.
My friend read this article that you are speaking of. He had also read many other articles about various ways of "pleasing your partner" because he felt limited by the missionary position in the dark. Reading all these articles were very overwhelming to him since he had never actually gone "down there" before. This article was the final straw. He decided that he was going to do it. So, the next time that he had a couple drinks and was going to be intimate with his girlfriend he decided to leave the lights on and check things out. The next part of the story is a little hazy in my opinion but this is the way that he described it. With his eyes closed he made his way between his girlfriends legs. Upon opening his eyes, what did he see? Mick Jagger's face!! This has left him permanently scarred. He hasn't had sex with his girlfriend in weeks. |
 Chris |
Hey Edwin,
I am familiar with the article that you are referring to. Funny enough, it just came out this morning, so you must have have some fancy connections. Awesome. Anyways, I'll have to disagree with you here. All of us in The Setbacks for that matter, myself, Steve Palmer, Trevor Kealey, and Paul Townsend will disagree with you on this one. You see, as a band, one of the first things we did was decide that it was essential for us to come together both physically and spiritually as a unit in order to execute all mortals who attend our rock concerts. Trevor and Paul suggested organized games of Yahtzee and Balderdash, and Steve suggested watching movies together and playing monopoly. I suggested having sexual intercourse with one another. Now I know you don't know a lot about us, and to be honest with you, we are all happily involved with people (as a matter of fact, Trevor recently got married and had his first child), but this at first awkward experience has created arguably the wickedest band in the world. Once everyone got over the seeing each other naked and touching and kissing each other thing, it was a "pan" cakewalk. Simply put, this has been a relationship builder, and frankly, I've personally found this particular writer's statements to be true. Now, The Setbacks will frolic at any given moment, and we like it like that. You know why? Because it works for us. Maybe you should ask your wife if she wants you to examine her genitals like the Dewey Decimal System, and see what happens. I can almost 99% guarantee that it will change things, and Edwin, I think it will be for the best. |
 |
Hey Flatcakes, You may be dignified and old but you need a good ass kicking. To appeal to your sensibilities and high class disposition and affiliations with (your business trip to) France, I draw your attention to authors James Joyce and Henry Miller. Both, I'm sure you'd agree, are highly acclaimed authors and I guarantee, names you likely bandy about favourably at dinner parties when you link your excursions in France with those escapades of other literary notables. That's right Asscakes, riding on the coattails of someone else again. In fact, isn't the only reason you're appearing on the famous Setbacks site because of me? It's all about me. And The Setbacks. It's about me being horny *for* The Setbacks. And their wives. But not their baby. That would be indecent. But listen you Aunt Jemima-affiliate, if you are half the educated intellect you present yourself to be, then I will assume that you have read Joyce's "Ulysses" or Miller's "Tropic of Cancer". In the former, perhaps you'll recall the Nighttown scene--beautifully and accurately depicted in a new "Ulysses" movie adaptation, I might add, called "Bloom", and currently being shopped around for major distribution; a film yours truly had the privilege of seeing at the Canadian premiere showing and played witness to audience members leaving at the most pornographic parts. Pattycakes, perhaps you were one of those exiting prudes?--in that scene, anyways, we get a Dominatrix commanding Leopold Bloom to drink her pee and lick her boots. Except I think she is a he. In Henry Miller novels, we read about lovers pulling bed bugs out of each other's hair. Precisely the crude depiction of sexual exchanges, intimate exchanges, which you, Bumcakes find lewd and the very kind of crassness you seem to associate with my writing. However, those sexy tidbits are of course the pearls, the jewels as it were, in a larger treasure box of properly crafted art and inspiration called - THE CONTEXT. Oh! Kind of like my fucking columns you dipshit. You are clearly unaware of my brilliance. You should do a google search on "sylvie hill" and it will take you to places as far and wide as the gap between your two ears and will prove my intelligence and substantiate my sex talk. You're like those red neck cops in the 1969 movie, "Vanishing Point". You remember it? If not, either rent a copy or buy Primal Scream's album by the same name. It's about a dude named Kowalski whose only crime is driving a slick Dodge Charger, too fast, across the desert on an errand. Guided by the voice of an African American blind radio dj, Kowalski tries to deek his way through towns and stupid cops to get to his destination, but you know what happens in the end, don't you? Think Easy Rider! The Setbacks are like my homeboy black posse radio dj's, man, navigating my one track mind through the conservative and judgmental landscape against fartfaces like you. Are you saying you want me to die in the end, like Kowalski? Dude, the only set of wheels I got belong on my Matt Pailes Think deck. And I'm gonna ride my maple over to your place and kick your ass. Right about now, Pancakes, you may be shouting: "Sylvie Hill! Get that *CENSORED* your ex bought you for Christmas last year out of your *CENSORED* and fess up that you are neither legend or law and your vulgar depiction or pose of sexual freedom is nothing but a lack of discipline and perhaps, social grace." Think of it this way, Fruitcakes, what appears most inappropriate sometimes is often the most necessary in that it reveals to us what limits we set against situations and things that repel. It's all about learning. Through this we've learned you're one of those guys that talks sex all fancy schmancy and is not interested in dramatic display. Yeah, you remind me on an old boyfriend from uni who was the same way. He had a porn problem and imposed a Victorian-Whore mandate for his chix. Funny, I don't. Although, due to the opposites attract thing, most my lovers except Christmas-dildo dude are quite the reserved gentlemen. But that's another story, Hammy. No worries, Ratcakes, that whole secret fetish you've got going on with the boys at work I won't tell your wife about. Did I tell you I was banging your wife? Sincerely, Sylvie Hill |