What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Growing Pains

September 28th, 2004

Tony writes:

I've got a bit of a growth developing on my right shoulder blade. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about but it does look a bit odd jutting out of my back. Last night I was taking off my shirt and my girlfriend saw the growth and freaked out a bit. I told her it was a piece of pizza crust and quickly put my shirt back on. I think she bought that one, but this morning the growth is a lot bigger and I'm worried I won't be able to hide it from my girlfriend much longer. Guys, can you help?

Trevor	Listen TONY, you are in trouble. You need to search the internet and find an online doctor, not a rock band with an advice column. That being said, here's my advice anyway: go to Loblaws. go to the Deli section. take a number. ask the pimply teen behind the counter for 300 grams of macaroni and cheese loaf. note how the slicer can cut meat so delicously thin. get one of those and slice the growth of your back. bring me the macaroni and cheese loaf because I'm all out.
Steve	Try gouging your girlfiend's eyes out... that'll buy you sometime until you find a way to chew it off.
Paul	Holy crap. I just almost puked after reading that. Please for the love of god. Get that thing removed. A bowie knife and a bottle of Jack Daniels is all you need. Damn. It is going to take a long time to get rid of the mental picture I have of your pepperoni with extra cheese you have on your shoulder.
Chris	I think that you are the angel Gabriel. You have been in human form for a long time, and your wings are beginning to sprout again. This is both a great and good thing, and I think that it is awesome that you are reppin' heaven on earth.

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