What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Legal Rights of the Ass-Whooping Nature

June 30th, 2004

Chris writes:

Dear Setbacks,

I work in retail and, of course, deal with customers everyday. One thing that always annoys me is when they ask the same question 3 or 4 times. Example: "Do you have (product name) in stock?" And after replying "No" three times they proceed to ask the same question again. Do I have the right to whoop their ass?

Setbacks fan for life,
Chris

Trevor	Dear Chris, Customers expect the retail salesperson to follow several unwritten rules (the customer is always right, etc). However customers aren't expected to follow anything. Doesn't seem fair does it? So you need to set the rules right off the top. Explain that you will do everything to help them get what they want, but if there are any repeat questions, you are allowed to punish them. For the first offence, maybe a flick on the forehead, second - wedgie, third - a hard kick directly in the genitalia. This hurts no matter which brand of privates you have, slit or sausage. I'm not going to lie, this will hurt your sales numbers. However, soon you will have only the most intelligent of customers, making your days go a lot smoother. Also: Chris, you should hear our new album... as a Setbacks fan for life you will especially enjoy it (I assume).
Steve	Hey Chris, Thanks for the query. My retail experience is limited to working at a full-service gas station in Manotick for two years, so I can't offer a lot of wisdom on this one but I'll try to look at it from the customer's perspective... What you need to understand is that we, as customers, know that you, as retail employees, only care about one thing - making the sale. That's what gets you your commission and ultimately puts the Benjamins in your pockets. When we ask you to check in the back for product X and you say you don't have it without checking the computer system or even blinking an eye, we know you don't actually know it's not back there but you're just trying to stay "on the floor" because - as we all know - you can't rake in the sales when you're fiddling around in the stock room. So, to keep us happy, at least make it LOOK like you actually checked... even if you whip out your cell phone and pretend it's somehow connected into the store's inventory system. I think you'll find these satisfies most customers and we'll stop bothering you and go ask somebody else. On a sidenote: Trevor, your usage of "slit or sausage" in your reply was unnecessary and offensive.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	First of all, I relate to your situation all too well. Trust me. I used to work in retail, and hated these kinds of things. No sir, we do not have that goddamn digital camera in stock. I already told you 50 times in your face. You have the right to execute a hard hand chop or slap to the bridge of their nose. This will however negate the possibility of them purchasing any extended warranties.

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