What Would the Setbacks Do?

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i have an issue

June 9th, 2004

ross writes:

I have come down with a strange cold that I attribute to the smoking of American cigarettes. This Monday morning I awoke from one of the worst sleeps of my life, cranky as all hell, and found my way to the bathroom. As I was urinating into the toilet water, I noticed an ant on the rim of the toilet. I diverted my flow to knock the little critter into the pee pool. I felt remotely bad so I decided that if he / she was still alive and in the pool when I got out of the shower, I would put him / her to death. This way, it would be the ant’s decision to live or die. If his / her will to live was strong enough, he / she could climb out of the bowl. When I got out of the shower, the ant was sitting on top of one of the last pee bubbles. He / she looked up at me and with its little eyes and said, ”I no longer wish to live, could you please put me to death”. Feeling sorry for the little guy, I flushed, and the ant rode the pee bubble cyclone to its ultimate demise.

All day I’ve been feeling guilty because I had a part in this creature’s death. Are these feelings valid? Will I still get into heaven? Thanks for your advice.

Trevor	Ross, I can sympathize with you. The guilt associated with taking the life of another living entity can be great, and often not easy to reconcile with internally. The only way for you to get over this feeling, which can ultimately cause your death, is to squish it down into a little ball and swallow it. By supressing your guilt (this also works for anything from murederous rage to self depreciating shame) you are ridding yourself of it forever. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and the only real effect it has on my life is the inability to sleep, loss of hair, ever shrinking testicles, bacne, and nervous twitches. Then again, these symptoms could also stem from the horse steroids I've been taking in order to become huge. If you want some I met this guy outside of the gym who sells them. You know they're good because he sells them from his parent's mini van - very clean and safe.
Steve	Normally I'd say that the killing of an innocent creature - regardless of whether it failed to meet the conditions required to live that you imposed on it - is a heinous crime. I say "normally" because I don't consider any ants to be innocent, or even creatures for that matter. Ants represent the devil and deserve to be exterminated off the face of the earth forever! Name one good thing any ant anywhere has ever done since the dawn of time. That's right, you can't. But, if you said: "Saving those kids in 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids' starring the hilariously delightful Rick Moranis" I'd probably respond with: "Nice try my friend but that was a movie and doesn't reflect how REAL ants act." Case closed.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Hi Ross, I'm assuming that this is Ross from CMTM....Hi Ross. I have been in similar situations...ones where you determine what will happen next, whether people live, or whether they die. One day when hanging at Steve's house...I had to take a giant crap. I went to check out the toilet bowl, and as I peered into the bowl, and observed the odd "reverso" wording on the rim's edge, I saw a man in the bowl, face up. This man was the previous tenant of the apartment. He asked me for help. I asked him why. He said because he was stuck there, and no one looks into the toilet bowl before they take craps and poops and pees. I asked him how he got stuck in there, and he claimed that he had a fight with his girlfriend. I made him a deal. If I closed the lid, and opened it after 5 seconds, and he was still there, I was going to have chocolate waterfalls on him. If he managed to climb out, then I was willing to shake his hand and maybe be his friend. I closed the lid, and after five seconds, lifted the porcelain in anticipation. He was still there, only infuriated. I reminded him of the particulars of our deal, and he told me to f-off. I undid my pants, picked up my Archie Double Digest, and essentially re-enacted the entire Alexisonfire album fecally. This,...ahem...was after a heaping series of plates of delicious indian food from one of Ottawa's best indian buffets. Funny enough, I met him again at an IBS weekend. He was not very friendly.

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