What Would the Setbacks Do?

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I NEED A MAKEOVER!
ACNE, Unreal, and Majic The Gathering = Virgin Nerd.

March 22nd, 2004

Michael Miller-Haines writes:

Hi Guys,

Love your tunes.

I am in need of a serious makeover. I am 29 years old, and work as an IT programmer with a well known Ottawa high tech company. I have great friends, and we like to party and chill out and have some beers like any other group of young studs who are single. Problem is, we are all a little unlucky with the ladies. My friends Ranjeesh, Tim, and Jerome and I like to hang out on Sunday at my place, and play Majic The Gathering. We've been doing it since high school, and I realized as I sat there dealing my cards that none of us have ever lost our virginity. We are 29 year old virgins, playing high school games. I decided that that needed to change, pronto. I think our approaches to women also need a major overhaul. We watch Average Joe: Adam Returns, and that guy makes me jealous. I want to be on a reality television show and meet the woman of my dreams just like Adam!

These are some of my physical attributes that I have a problem with.

1. I have ridiculous acne. My zits have zits and zit families.
2. My wardrobe is mostly made up of those awesome GAP hooded sweatshirts that say GAP on the front, Wrangler Jeans, and a Mike Oldfield "Tubular Bells" t-shirt that I got at the concert years ago.
3. I have gone completely bald, except for a small batch on the top of my head and left side.
4. I have one pair of shoes: Nike Air Pegasus from 1989. I still wear them.
5. I have a gland disorder that affects my height. I am 5 foot 2.

I'm looking to get a rock and roll makeover, and throw it in a chick finally! Can you guys help me? A rock and roll makeover could do the trick, and I'd even be willing to buy a more rock CD perhaps to go along with a potential rock makeover....I was thinking Simple Plan. Those guys are rockin'!

What do you all think?


Trevor		 I hesitate to tell you we could give you a makeover. While I would love for us to star in a show called "Rock eye for the Pop guy" I'm not sure it'd fly.

First off, I know 2 of my bandmates who regularly stay late at their day jobs in order to use the fancy computers to play Unreal, and just last night I overheard them discussing the fact that the Sniper Rifle was brought back for Unreal 2004. They seemed excited. This will not help you get with the ladies.

So don't assume we're such a hit with the women. I am still a virgin. My wife is pregnant, but now that I think of it, we still haven't finalized the deal, if you catch my drift... hmmm, sounds like I might have some bigger problems than you.

So you see, I don't have time to come over and pop your zits and destroy your GAP hoodies. I need to find out if my child is the second coming of Christ, here to save our souls from Mel Gibson.

(lightning will now strike me down)

Steve		 Hi man - sounds like you haven't exactly been able to connect with the chicks on the phone of life so you've dialed '0' for assistance and let me tell you buddy - I'm here to answer the call. I have lots of girlfriends and I'd be willing to share some of them with you or give you tips to help you get your own.

First off dude, you are way beyond needing a makeover. I think you need to ditch your current body and get a new one. Like Neo plugging into the Matrix, see if you can find a way to plug into a computer and create an artificial version of yourself in a robot-controlled world. That way your brain would stay intact, so you'd still be Mike, but you'd have a body that was way better... think about it: no acne, normal height, and less baldness. If you can program it, you can have it. Bottom line Mike, bone up on your computer and programming skills until you've come up with something. Don't leave your parent's basement until you find the answer. Golden.

Paul		 OK, a Simple Plan makeover!! How exciting.

Now since you are a little short in the hair area you will have to be the guitarist guy who shaves his head. Sure nobody knows his name but I'm sure he is popular with the lead singer "throw-aways". I think he has a soul patch. Those are very "in" these days. If you can't grow one of these just pencil one in. Next is the brand new vintage t-shirt. Get one of these pre-faded jewels that has some subtle sexual innuendo phrase like Jim's Cock Farm. The girls will think you are so retro (which is also in....). Tight pants, skate shoes, heavy french accent, and you'll be ready to trade your Magic Card of Solitude for The Sword of Hymen. Good Luck.

Chris		 First off, I am one of the NERDS that plays UNREAL at my office until 8 at night. Let's get that out of the way...The sniper rife is an excellent weapon, and I often enjoy using it. No regrets.

I think a makeover is a healthy thing. If you and your buds play Majic The Gathering "or" know an abundance of information about Tolkien and his characters "or" wear GAP hoodies, chances are you fucking really need one.

I would be willing to take you to the Rideau Center where we can visit Kernels and enjoy some popcorn as we hit every hip store with some chill out jazz dance CD playing. After that, we can visit a dermatologist, and then we can work on your personality by getting you playing an instrument. This is one option.

The other option is that you pay for sexual intercourse. Get your beans off, and maybe that will help with your female problems. Dude, you are old and need lays more than Mark Messier. Exploring this option also gets you a massage, and you can check out some immediate ladies.
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