Chris' Open Letter to Steve Martin

April 13th, 2004

Steve Martin Fanclub
1158 Ventura Boulevard
Los Angeles,California
U.S.A.
90258

Dear Steve,

I had the flu this weekend, and decided to watch a few of your movies. I rented Cheaper By The Dozen on a whim. Right off the bat, I knew this movie was going to suck. I was right...but that is not what I want to talk about.
Steve, I have a theory that you are an ancient being. You seem to have a problem with aging. You just don't do it. I assume you've had white hair since your twenties, and you are now in your sixties. You look exactly the same as you always have. Does egyptian sand run through your veins like Emhotep from the popular Mummy movies? Do you require the sacrifice of a few virgins every year to maintain your image? I find it difficult to believe that you can handle a dozen kids in Cheaper By The Dozen at your age. Did you see Hillary Duff changing when you guys were doing that movie? She is smokin' hot! My friend said that he once saw her making out with another chick at a Wendy's! What a slut!
I'm assuming that you will not answer my letter, but I thought I'd let you know that I also think you are in cahoots with Leslie Neilsen, Dick Clark, and Susan Sarandon with these youthful maintenance rituals. Who are you satanic bastards kidding? We know how you stay young.

Sincerely,

Chris Saracino

P.S. If you ever make another Cheaper By The Dozen, I'll write you off. Are you broke? Is that why you do these movies?