Chris' Open Letter To Steven Seagal

April 5th, 2004

Attention: Steven Seagal
Seagal Siege
Steven Seagal Fan Club
1010 Sunset Boulevard
Hollywood, California
90253

Dear Mr. Seagal,

I just wanted to let you know how much I used to really dig what you were doing.
Your first movie, "Above The Law" was friggin' really good. I've never seen anyone break arms and legs like you, and you are a tough man. Your ponytail was a great thing for you to have in the late eighties days of beef cut crew haircuts. Your demeanor was menacing, yet calm. I really enjoyed your films. The followups of Hard To Kill, Out For Justice, and Marked For Death were all kick ass, and truly brought you to the forefront of excellence in the action genre.

Unfortunately, after Under Siege...which was another awesome flick, you began to alarmingly suck. I have no idea how old you are, but I am guessing in the 90's. You went from being a smooth operator, to a slow and heavily edited old man on film. I have a theory that we never see you kick anymore because you cannot hoist your legs up in the air to administer punishing Aikido martial arts moves. You are also a little bloated. Now there is part of me that cannot blame you...you married some hot chicks, and have ditched more broads for younger ones than Woody Allen. That is cool and wicked. Your current wife, who if I am not mistaken was your kids' old nannny is friggin schmint. Good call.
It is unfortunate however, that you are resorting to doing these gay ass environmental flicks like Fire Down Below, and The Patriot. Since when do action stars give a shit about the environment? Fire your agent. You best stop that crap. Go back to fully breaking people's arms over your shoulders, and speaking with a tight eyelid and raspy voice. Find an alternative to dying your hair, because whoever is doing your grecian should be fired immediately. You are developing trump like hair, which is wisping and combover worthy at this point. Steve,....I mean this sincerely. I think you need to return to your formal glory. If Arnold can do it, you can as well.
No more movies with rappers. This sux. You should do a movie with Matt Damon or Jackie Chan. I would have loved to have seen you in the Matrix movies, but I am convinced that your peak physical condition would have hampered the production schedule. My bud suggested you as Gandalf in the next LOTR installment, if there ever is one, and the thought of you breaking Aragorn's arms over your shoulders, or clotheslining Hobbitts is kick ass. This is workable. Whatever you do, DO NOT do a romantic heartfelt comedy with anyone. Please.

Sincerely,

Chris Saracino