My Trip To Calgary: Chris' Coming of Age

March 29th, 2005

Steve's coming of age stories are always good fodder for the mix, so I decided to write my own, describing my recent trip to the PST free province everyone loves. I went to Calgary, Alberta this weekend, for the holiest of holidays, Easter.

We flew in on Thursday night, and from the airplane, I could see the amazing lights coming from the cityscape. I knew I was in for a wicked trip. Calgary had lights and hydro, as well as buildings, houses, and many people. Based on what I had seen on the television, I was under the assumption that everyone was a cowboy in this western province, but I was mistaken. We were greeted by my fiancee's father and his wife, who picked us up and drove us into the heart of the city, where we visited, rested, and got ready for a weekend of discovery.

I explored the city on Friday morning. I was pleasanty surprised to find that Calgary is significantly friendlier than any other city I have ever been to. I got a coffee, and decided to discover it more. The time difference made me very spry and awake at 7:30 a.m., which I have no doubt was annoying, especially since I would emerge from my slumber, and yell at the top of my lungs how "GLORIOUS" this and that was. The main street that we were near had all of the regular things that Ottawa had, including a Starbucks. I assumed that everyone would be wearing cowboy hats and boots, and I'll admit that I was hellbent on buying some of the customary wear to mix in with the locals, but surprisingly, I realized that this majestic land's peoples didn't in fact dress like it was Nashville all the time, or for that matter, at all really. When I entered the Starbucks, I requested a "Tall Latte M'am", and tipped my hat like any gentleman on horseback would. She just looked at me like I had lost my mind.
I cursed myself quietly, and counted a notch against me in my effort to endear Calgarians to the Chris Saracino experience. This wasn't going as well as I planned so far. I politley proceeded to ask if there was anywhere where I could "purchase a steed", and the Starbucks employee called me a "weirdo", and asked me to leave the premises. Calgary 1. Chris 0.

I returned to the house, to be greeted by my lady. We visited with our hosts, and relaxed, and enjoyed the day. I did however, dwell on my compulsion to find out why Calgary had abandoned their cowboy way. I had seen the movies, and had heard that Clint Eastwood's Unforgiven was filmed in Alberta. Coupled with the Calgary Stampede, and some cowboy boots that I found in Montreal once, that read "Albertan Cowboy Brand", I knew that Calgary was hiding it's true colors from me. I would not go quietly.

The next day I explored again in the morning. This time I went into a Second Cup, and took some photos. I asked the employee, as she handed me my coffee, if there was a "varmint" that had a bounty on his head. I was looking for some money so that I could pass this here town, and perhaps find a saloon. She looked at me weird again, and pointed me to this place called Sal's on 17th. Perfect I thought to myself. Sal's on 17th sounded like a great place to get some real western liquor and maybe take part in a game of Texas Hold'em, or perhaps get a ticket for a gambling boat or train game. I walked a few blocks to Sal's on 17th, and quickly entered the establishment. To my dissapointment, I discovered that this bar was in fact a Sports Bar, which no one was in at that time in the morning, and my expectation to hear that awesome jangly guitar music like in Pale Rider, was instead met by the new 50 cent tune. A giant buff guy with a huge tribal tattoo on his arm, who was wearing a Sal's on 17th shirt approached and indicated that the bar was closed, but that I could come back later for the 10 cent chicken wing special. I attempted to garner some insight, and maybe even persuade the man to point me in the direction of the cowboys, but he instead began to twitch his head in a steroid rage when I asked him about where I could get a handy six shooter.

I went home discouraged, discussing my dissapointment with Olivia, who shook her head, and told me that we were going up to Banff that day. Excellent I thought. I entered the shower, and accidentally began to wash my already precious hair with Purell, the alcoholic based hand sanitizer. I didn't realize until the next morning when she asked me if I had enjoyed my hair washing experience. I pondered the question, and remembered the absolute burning sensation, as well as the brief accelerated hair loss, and she broke the news to me. Calgary 2. Chris 0.

Banff was glorious and majestic. I have never seen mountains. I thought that mountains were like the Gatineau Hills, but until you've been up to see Banff, you really haven't seen "mountains", unless of course you've been stranded at the top of the Andes eating your friends post serious plane crash, but anyways, you get my drift. We hung out in Banff for the afternoon. It was glorious and royal. The village was incredible, but my quest to find a Fruit Of The Loom sweatshirt with "Banff, Canada" on the front was surprisngly difficult. We went to this incredible fudge factory. I went through my awesome zingers about packing fudge here and there, and we had a great time. At this point, it is important to say that I was snapping pictures like Ansel Adams, using the SLR camera that Olivia got me for Christmas. I must have taken about 100 pictures, coaxing my subjects into acting "natural", and playing with the lens. At the end of our excursion, I realized that there was no film in the camera. We discussed how it was virtually impossible not being able to tell that a camera had no film, especially after all of those pictures being taken, and I clenched my fists in frustration and self doubt about my gallery showing the following week in Ottawa, and the load of film that I had dropped off at the Loblaw's having any pictures on the reels at all. I secretly prayed. Besides that, I have never seen such an incredibly breath taking place like this, and we did manage to get some photos in that I might sneak into my next upcoming exhibit.

Easter was great. My soon to be father in law made a delicious dinner that we all enjoyed. Another couple friend came over and took part in the dinner with us, and I discovered that they had a son who played in a band that I'm certain I saw at C'est What in Toronto a while back. I read the liner notes of the record, and realized that they had in fact mastered the record with Phil Demetro at Lacquer Channel. The band is called "Recipe From A Small Planet", and I checked out the music. Cool.

Calgary has some cool shopping. I managed to buy an awesome New York Dolls t-shirt that I intend on wearing around, and I bought some nice dudes at a few various shops. We looked at a lot of cowboy hats and such, but when it came down to it, I lost the testicles to purchase the stuff.

We flew in early this morning. Calgary was really fun, and I missed the city as we flew off, having my usual emotional mini-tearfest as we departed from the airport. We enjoyed Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason on the flight back. I am tired, as is my lady, but one thing is for certain, Calgary will see me again, and when that time comes, I will force the city to engage me in the cowboy fashion I know that they all reverted to once I left.