The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen DEGUSSA! Every new job comes with new challenges. So quit your whining. There is a simple solution to all of this. You need to make the coat room a bit more comfortable for you. Add a touch from home, something that reminds you of happy and awesome times. I'm sure you'll soon find others have done the same thing. Try bringing in a portable stereo, pump up Caribean Queen by Billy Ocean, light some of those nice scented candles, maybe sage or oatmeal. Anything that will make this place nice for you. Quicker than you can say Masochism you'll be lovin' your way to the top at your new office! P.S. There are stirrups in gynecologists offices. It seems to me like a very vulnerable position. Try to stay out of there until you are more comfortable with your work buddies. Also, now that Steve has mentioned it, Chris has been smelling strongly of A535 recently.
Steve	This sounds suspiciously like it came from our brother in arms, Chris Luigi Saracino I, who just started at a new job this week. Let's not beat around the bush Chris, be honest like a man and admit you wrote this. Chris, this is indeed a dilly of a pickle. Making a good impression like a man with your new boss is absolutely essential to ensuring your temporary contract gets extended into a full time gig. While leather, chains, and butt plugs might not be commonplace in the outside world, like a man it sounds like your best bet to climb the ladder in this organization is to just go with the flow and take it like a man. And like a man, if you have any allergies to latex and A535 you should let your boss know immediately. There's lots of healty alternatives- like dish gloves and BenGay. No worries bro!
Paul	Damn. Our coat room only has coats.
Chris	Man I don't know about your work, but I will tell you this... Having A535 in your ass with a butt plus is exteremely crazy! It's like a rock concert in your colon! ahem...speaking of rock concerts, come to our cd release on Rocktober 9th, 2004 at the Dominion Tavern.

Trevor	First off I'd like to apologize for my bandmates' answers. It's so easy to just assume every question is about sex. So I am going to assume you are looking for an escort of sorts, just someone to go to the wedding with, since the love of your life is just moving, not disappearing forever. The easiest way to find a dude who won't cost an arm and a leg is to go trolling downtown for a homeless guy. Offer a shave, shower, and a meal and he'll go with you for sure. Try to stay away from dudes who are talking to themselves, or screamers. The good ones are the ones with dogs. Another option: Chris is Italian, and Italians love weddings. Take him!
Steve	This question reminds of that sleeper box office hit "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". Sure, I've never seen the movie but I think that we can all learn something from it. It doesn't matter if you're big, fat or Greek - anybody can find true love and get married. I'm sure you'll find somebody who accepts you for who you are and doesn't treat you any differntly because of your rich Mediterranean heritage. Oh yeah, how were the Olympics?
Paul	Have you ever been to a wedding?!? This is one of the best places to get some tail. Everyone, guys and girls, are looking to score. Weddings have that effect on people. All the single people see how happy the married couple is and, just for that night, will do anything or anyone to feel that happy. Emotions are running high and there is usually tons of alcohol going around. My suggestion is to bring someone that knows that you will be ditching them if you find someone else very hot.
Chris	Well. I suggest you check out the Adult Super Fun Store on Rideau Street. I very unwisely went in there on the weekend, looking for some movie, which I am assuming went straight to video, called Soccer Boy or Soccer Boys, or something or rather...whatever. Anyways. Bottom line. I think I saw something in there that might be what you were looking for. I believe it was manufactured by Awesome Good Toys, and it had a MSRP of about $299.99. It looked really cool. It even came with some tools that you could use "after" the wedding, back in the hotel room, when you begin playing some Luba and prancing around in your Joe Boxers. Good Times, Awesome Times. P.S. I just read Paul's answer, and man....that is super true about the wedding thing.

Trevor	Listen PITA! It is pretty clear here that you are a homosexual. Get into therapy to help you get through this difficult time of transition in order to accept your new lifestyle. Now to the real issue here: our readers will likely want to know what 'marquee' Canadian rock act you are in. There are several hints that keen people such as myself (I consider myself somewhat of a mystery buff) would pick up on. You are from Toronto, and you have been in the band for 3 years (since you were 25). From these clues I have narrowed your identity down to one of two people: you are either Col. Mustard with the Lead Pipe in the Library, or Alex Lifeson from Rush. Mystery solved (that will be my catch phrase when my brother and I start solving crimes full time).
Steve	Dave, you need to come to grips with the fact that you are hopelessly impotent. That's right - start singing the Sinatra classic "My Way" (or even Queen's "We Are the Champions") and dance on down to the local drug store to get some artificial boner pills. That's the medical name though - when you ask the pharmacist refer to them by their commercial product name: Tic Tacs. This will solve all your performance anxiety problems. Golden.
Paul	Your first time can be a little overwhelming expecially when it is with a seasoned groupie that has almost whittled away their bedpost with notches from "rock stars" like yourself. Start by tossing a girl's salad or flipping her burgers and slowly make your way up to the dirty sanchez. If you are still have problems with your limp noodle.... I suggest switching to easy listening. Nobody who listens to Magic 100 gets laid.....EVER.
Chris	Your dilemma is a unique thing in this tilt-a-whirl called rock'n'roll. You play guitar and look like Peter Frampton, and the reality is that women throw themselves at you with nothing but carnal sweaty mindless sex. Theses are pedigree women too, because the truth is this. Hot women, like stripper/porn star hot come to rock shows and attempt to get into the pants of rock stars. I just finished reading Gene Simmons autobiography, and granted, Gene Simmons was indiscriminate with ladies (he even admits to sleeping with anything with all limbs), but he's had some extremely hot women. Have you seen what he looks like? For that matter, Ace Frehly also scored like Gretzky at the blue line with the opposite sex, and he is about twice as unattractive, and he has no appendage. My point is this, chicks like this scare the pants off of guys. You've probably spent your entire life beating off to images of women like this in your bed, that when you finally luck into the opportunity to actually be playing with some of these playmate calibre ladies, you are probably wigging out and having a sexual seizure of sorts. This is where you will begin heeding my advice....right at this point, and think about what I am going to say here: You can sleep with these amazing hot and fine ladies, or you can go back to chasing skirt and working hard for the attention like when you were playing clubs, spending lonely nights clutching copies of Swank and Club International with mounds of astroglide and Kleenex in your hands, or secretly shopping at Adult Fun Superstores for your weekly fix of stroke vids....ahem.....so you better....oh man....this is all too sad.... Dammit Pita. You best start using that Johnson of yours. What the hell is wrong with you? You have a responsibility to all men to begin living this dream. If you can't do this, what the hell are you playing in a band for? Come on man.

Trevor	Listen TRODVOR 2000! Halifax is a beautiful city that is meant to be enjoyed for all that comes with it. You don't go to a new place and attempt to enforce your way of living into it, you immerse yourself in its culture and learn from it. You will become a better person this way. So don't shave for a few days, get a sou'wester and some wellies, head down to the dock, and befriend some local fishermen. Get a job on a fishing rig and spend a week on the open sea, trapping and working the boat. Let some of the salty sea air pale and toughen your skin. Learn to enjoy the smells, the tastes, and the nightly man on man love sessions. Either that or open your eyes to the wonderful rock and roll history that is around you by sleeping in Clayton Park while humming French Inhale.
Steve	Thanks for the question, Trodvor. I think I might be in the best position to answer this question as I just returned from a two week romp through my homeland province of Nova Scotia. While there, I learned several things such as: how to recognize clans by their tartans, what a lobster is, how tides work, and how to rock a province. Basically, what you need to do is climb into the tower of the citadel and mount a large speaker in the bell. Then, pull out your copy of Starship's "Knee Deep in the Hoopla" and crank the first track: "We Built This City". Immediately you'll start to see what appears to be fireworks, but these are actually bagpipers and Celtic musicians being pulled from the surface of the earth and destroyed by rock in mid-air. Do not be afraid... this is a cleansing process. After about 3 minutes, when the popping slows down to one pop every 2-3 seconds, you can turn off Starship and return to a newly rockified city. Aces!
Paul	I don't think there is anything wrong with Nova Scotia. I think the bigger problem is the fact that you think "rockin' it out" is buttless chaps at the harbour. Rock n' roll is ment to be done in a dank bar where there isn't much light. You'll know when you are doing it right when the walls are sweating and your ears are ringing. Keep the Peavey. Lose the chaps (unless they have tassles).
Chris	Nova Scotia is one of those crazy provinces where anything can happen and everything can happen. Sloan and Thrush Hermit are from there, but so are Great Big Sea and Crush. It's difficult to say whether this province has it together, and furthermore, it is equally as difficult to gauge how to make them make the full transition to 100% coolness. I was readng Steve's answer, and liked it. I don't know if I would choose Starship, but I would however choose HELIX or SVEN GALI, no doubt Canada's best rock bands. I would then proceed to go up the citadel tower and blast the music all over the land. I'm pretty sure everyone would emerge from their drinking holes and fishing boats, and become one with the searing sounds of such amazing hits as "Rock You" and "Under The Influence". You can also try some Teenagehead, preferably the song "Disgusteen", and see what happens. Now I have to warn you, this could go either way. They may begin freaking out and dancing and getting into it, or they could begin chanting for The Rankins. It's a gamble Trodvor, but hopefully one that you can make pay off for the people over there. Before I finish my advice, I will however tell you this. The East Coast has a lot of hot chicks, like, almost as good as the entire province of nymphomaniacs known as Quebec. 80% of the women in the Eastern provinces are way hot. Some side advice, go to a bar, and tell them that you are a hockey player. They will probably believe you and you will guaranteed come home with a wife who is maximum hot with some royal tats....and you know what? THAT is aces.

Trevor	Listen PRETZELS! You need to find out more information than that. He says his seed makers creep out of sight when he's aroused? You need to find out if they still work. Because if you are having the sex, I am going to assume it is for reasons of procreation. If the twins don't do their duty, then you need to find another man more suitable for impregnating you. Also, there are other ways to have the sex. Ways that would not let his flippity floppity ball sac touch you. There are books that can show you new ways to have the sex. You should check them. But only if you are intending to have children with him.
Steve	This is Darwinism in action... your boyfriend is of a higher evolved species that has discovered a defensive technique to protect man's most vulnerable Achilles heel (other than the heel) ...the balls! A man who could receive a swift kick to the balls and keep on moving would be indestructable... you'd need some kind of silver bullet to kill this guy! Wow!
Paul	Now this is just silly. You can't go around without balls in your sack. I suggest that you get him some kind of "sack-ring" to hold his nuts down. Tie it around the top of the sack to keep the little buddies in the bottom, then make out with him and see what happens. After doing this a while the dynamic duo should be used to hangin' low. Good luck.
Chris	I am both horrified and terrified by your boyfriend's amphibious tendencies. Anytime anyone can hide essential parts of the male anatomy, it can be both gross and terrible. You obviously cannot live with his ability, and frankly I don't blame you. Having a flap of skin banging against the outskirts of my no man's land is a bad thought. I find it especially unfortunate that you did the squeeze test and he just moaned. His vas deferens are in there, and they should at least induce some pain if squeezed. This is leading me to believe that he really has nothing in there, OR that EVERYTHING creeps up into his abdomen at certain times/all times. I feel very strongly that you should just ask him straight up, Paula Abdul style, WTF is going on with his absence sac. This way, if he immediately says he has no balls, and for that matter, no tubes, snakes, and the other amazing technology that is supposed to be in there, then you can come to the conclusion that he is an android, because androids have no balls.

Trevor	Listen GORMAN! You need to take advantage of this new found spare time to improve yourself. Don't sit around wallowing in your own self pity, get out and learn some damn things. I suggest some grammar schooling, because you severely lack in the wordsmithing skillz. I once was fired from a plum sweet job at a gas station. It got paved over, and I found myself out of work. Did I complain? No, I went back to school so I could relearn all the things that years of inhaling diesel fuel fumes had made me forget. Awesome things such as Mathematics. Mathematics is one of the mad ridiculous skillz that no one should be short of. So get your ass to the continuing education centre and intelligize yourself! Improve your skillz!!!
Steve	Dottie - I'm thinking that with the experience you've gained at the casino and your masterful knowledge of the English language you're ready to go out on your own as a freelancer. That's right, I'm talking about a 3-card monty table in the market. This is a quick and easy way to make a lot of money with zero start-up costs. All you need is a deck of cards... not even a deck, just 4 cards will do. Dealing monty is a piece of cake but you need majorly quick hands. You might want to work on hand speed drills like the Setbacks do - just point at one of your friends then point at your genitals right away... then look back at your friend and nod. The nodding part doesn't help improve the speed of your hands, but it keeps your friend in line.
Paul	Here is a tip Dottie: Go back to grade 1 and learn how to write a proper sentence? Did you ever think that they might be cutting your hours because you are retarded? Stop washing your clothes with "Tide With A Touch of Downs"!
Chris	Hahahahaha...I am both floored and impressed with Paul's staggering lack of compassion, as well as his newfound mean streak with answering advice questions. There was so much syrup coming out of his block of the column that The Setbacks were on the verge of calling up Maple Lodge Farms and informing them of a miraculous new source of pancake condiments. Keep it up Townsend! Okay, on to your serious situation. Let me just ensure that I have this right. You work at the casino, and you are losing some hours. You are also anticipating losing more in October? I've never heard of casinos going out of business. They are essentially super rich at all times like us. I say confront your manager, and ask him or her straight up, Paula Abdul style, about WTF is going on with work. This is the best approach. You are doing these people a favour by providing your skills to the business, and if they want to cut your hours, you NEED an explanation as to why. No questions. Tell them that you have a solution. If The Setbacks play that casino.....every single person on earth will converge there like the ball diamond that Kevin Costner had in Field Of Dreams. If we play a single note in that casino, every single slot machine and hand of every single card game being played will WIN big time. Bartenders will give free drinks immediately when they hear our music, and people will also begin taking off all of their clothes and having a wicked time. If this happens, you'll get your hours back, and you will have a sensational and terrific time working there.

Trevor	Listen VINEGARS! What you have done to your brother is unacceptable. I know this, because in my time have been a victim of amateur or imitation wrestling. You see, when I was younger, my family often visited my cousin Ryan's house. He was only one year older than me (still is) but he was a lot bigger. And he LOVED the wrestling. LOVED it. Everything Ryan had was somehow related to professional wrestling... Macho Man curtains, Brutus Beefcake posters, Hulkamania jogging pants, Junk Yard Dog bedsheets, even a snake named Jake. Anyway, he would terrorize my brother and I with wrestling moves. For hours and hours. He'd set up the situations, calling out roles for us as the match went on "you're Roddy Piper and I'm George the Animal Steele, now I'm Ricky Steamboat and you're Tito Santana" This would go on until either my brother or I ended up in tears, at which point an adult would come downstairs and tell us to quit horseing around. It was always the DDT that ended the torture, because it hurt the most. In a way, I almost looked forward to it. But to this day, I am very frightened by any wrestling, even that semi-erotic olympic kind where two dudes just sort of hug and roll around. But eventually the relationship between my cousin and I healed. He grew out of his wrestling phase, and now we can laugh about it over 20 or 30 beers. You and your brother will be friends again!
Steve	Listen up Dino- The sport of wrestling is pretty stupid but it sounds like you may have caused your brother more pain than brain damage alone, so I'll offer you my advice... My concern is that you may not have pumped up the crowd enough and given your brother the opportunity to work the fan sympathy angle (or perhaps call on one of his allies from the backstage area) before performing the lethal DDT maneuver. This would have caused your brother a lot of embarassment in front of the fans as the swelling went down in the base of his neck and feeling returned to his extremities. I think you owe it to him to take him out for a Smarties & Skor treatza pizza from DQ and a couple of dilly bars. All the best,
Paul	Well Vinegars, this whole thing leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. What the hell are you worried about? This is perfect. I doubt that any audience (even if they are a cat and fish) would like to see two people who love each other wrestling each other. They want to see blood, sweat, and Vinegars! Now that there is some actual rivalry you might be able to get a bigger audience.
Chris	Hi Dino, I think the source of your problems are attributed to the fact that it seems like you went straight for gold. I'm assuming that you administered the deadly DDT to Bruno within the first five minutes of your match. You should have worked on him a little. Delivering a series of serious blows to the face and abdomen while simultaneously pounding your feet on the mat with every hit, would have softened his body, and probably would have minimized the amount of humiliation that you gave him. I have also provided some minor devastation to my friend Phil back in 1989. I gave him a DDT in my backyard, during the winter, and on ice. I'll never forget his grey, white, and red Black's Photography toque slamming into the frozen wonderland that was my homemade skating rink. He cried, but you know what? It brought us closer. Within a few hours we were back to playing Super Mario Bros, and he knew better than to try knock my fort building abilities. You know why? DDT from me. That's why. Now excuse me, but I have to go and ask someone what they're going to do when Hulkamania comes after them.

Trevor	Fern, I remember your daughter well from that show. We were playing at a daycare for some reason (we have since replaced our manager), and were already in a bad mood when we found out our rider (2 cases of chilled 50s and a assorted deli sandwich platter) was nowhere to be found. Plus the 'stage' was merely the area in front of the play structures. I was angry because there was no beer, chet needs his sandwiches, and Chris just does what we do. But Steve, ever the professional, began preparations in earnest for a good show. We hit the stage, and found hoards of 5 and 6 year olds had set their chairs up only inches from our amps. We convinced them to move back, and Steve began his regular routine of adjusting his tone, looking for the perfect one. Picture it: these kids are waiting to hear the Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song, and Steve is strumming chords, minutely adjusting the fuzz setting on his effect peddle. The rest of us were waiting angrily to get the show over with. When suddenly your daughter arose out of the restless crowd (a game of tag had broken out). She approached Steve and said "hey mister, with a gibson guitar and marshall amp, you're much better to ease off on the effects from the peddles, just let the amp do the work". He took her advice, and we broke into an amazing version of one the B-Sides from our first cd called I Like Ice Cream. The tone was amazing. Steve looked out into the crowd and locked eyes with your daughter, and she gave him an approving nod. The kind that Mr. Miyagi gives to Daniel-san when he finally understands that the things he's learned will serve him well against the Cobra Kahn Academy. Steve smiled and we destroyed that daycare with rock. After the show, we looked for Jenna to thank her, but her parents had already picked her up. We thought maybe she was an angel sent by the gods of music to give us the Ultimate Tone. The Setbacks have never been the same since, and we've been looking for your daughter so she can come on tour with us. It sounds like she may need us just as much as we need her. To get her away from her white trash father. By the way, is she 18 yet?
Steve	Hey dickhead, you did ask us a question... "Are the Setbacks serious assholes?". I think it's pretty obvious that any band that would perform for a daycare, ad lib songs about ice cream, and then have a visible confrontation with the woman running the daycare over the absence of the deli platter and cold suds on our rider are not assholes at all... just working their butts off to make it in this cut throat biz, fuck you very much!
Paul	I remember that show. We had just finished our Creed, Jars of Clay, Dishwalla medley when the heckling started. Your daughter was right up front yelling for us to play the Sex Pistols, Type O Negative, or Barney. When we said we couldn't play any of those songs, she said that we were fags.... and that is when Steve lost it. I think you should thank your lucky stars that your kid's face was not imploded by Steve's foot. Quick thinking on Trevors behalf, distracting Steve with a half opened bag of candy, literally saved your daughters life.
Chris	Fern, If you talk any way that you write, then I think you're child's potty mouth is coming from that angry guy in the mirror that you see every day. That angry guy is you Fern. Maybe you if you replaced those f-u-c-k's with some l-o-v-e's, and some of those "fartface" comments with something a little more sensitive to relay your obvious frustration with your child and something we may or may not have done, I could be convinced of your ability to be reasonable. I'll have you know that althought The Setbacks are known for doing things like pointing to each other, and then immediately pointing at our crotches, we would never do that in front of kids, and furthermore we strive to set examples for the youth of today. We all love the kids, and realize that our sensational power can spread musical rainbows all over Canada, and make kids super smart and agile. Looks like we really are amazing for the children, and you, Fern, are nothing but an ex Air Supply fan, who wears his briefs backwards and gets a cheque from the government every month.

Trevor	I think this behaviour goes well beyond simply "jumping the gun". This is socially unacceptable behaviour. This is the kind of thing people like Jeffrey Dahmer do when they were in high school, before they go ahead and dismember all those people. Whatever you do, do NOT confront this guy. You don't want to be added to "the list". Because when the killing starts, you're going to want to be on his good side. Not so close that you might be implicated in the killings, but close enough to get interviewed afterwards, saying things like "He had some bizarre habits, but I always thought he was harmless". Be friends like Elayne and George, not Jerry and George.
Steve	I'm not sure I'm with you on this one, Lazer. Sounds like your friend has had enough of your ultra-conservative approach to everyday socializing. Maybe you need to loosen up a bit and contort your Schneider McGrittle in front of a couple strangers and see how it makes you feel. Along with the popular "flies eyes" you can also try "baby elephant", "attack of the west nile mosquito" and "googly eyed aardvark". And nothing cuts the ice like an unexpected performance of "snooker face"!
Paul	This is a simple case of "human response". Obviously when this guys was growing up he had no negative affect from saying or doing stupid things. This is where your paternal instincts need to take over. Whenever he does something really stupid, punch him in the face as hard as you can. Don't worry, this is for the best. As time goes on he will learn that when he pulls his pants down in public he will get a black eye, leud comments = broken fingers, and anything that involves penis puppetry = swift kick in the crotch. He will conform in to proper behaviour in no time.
Chris	Man that is rad! I had a friend who could create Gonzo's face from the muppets with his bun and kittens. The fellas loved him! You just don't understand your friend, and you should be more tolerant.

Trevor	That sounds like a lot of abuse to be taken for a regular job. However, working in the mobile eatery business is a privelege. With that privelege comes a lot of hard work. Sure, you have 3rd degree burns all over you arms, and your stomach has been boiled from drinking grease, but the upside is the fame and adoration that comes with working in a gut wagon. Enjoy it while you can.
Steve	I've often admired the "Lou Patates" truck from the window of my office across the street. The mural on the back of the truck of Lou riding some kind of winged beast in medieval times is absolutely breathtaking. I've always wondered what inspired Lou to commission the artwork on the truck. Maybe I'll ask him.
Paul	With Steve's mention of Lou Patates and his winged beast brings me to wonder about who is the greatest fry-guy in Ottawa. Would Lou Patate riding his mythical beast be able to defeat Franks Fabulous Fries superman-like image of himself? I would like to see these heavy hitters dual it out for my consumer dollar.
Chris	Listen you, You should be honored that you are working for Lou Patates. That man is a genius! His patates are reknowned all over the downtown core. I work in Ottawa's west end, and I often drive downtown just to eat the patates! Are you nuts questioning Lou like that? If that guy tells you to wash your eyes out with hot patate grease, you better do it! You also screwed up his Casio Sportsman! Muriel. Stop and think here for a second. You know how many people would kill to be in your shoes? I ordered a small poutine there once, and Lou asked me to bark like a dog for the fries! I obliged knowing that his crispy goldenness was going to be travelling down my throat seconds after what some people might think a humiliating and odd act. I'll take one for the team for Lou anyday! His food is so awesome!