The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen JACKSTONE! What is needed here is a quick reality check. While I agree that you must destroy all your possessions and follow you obsession, you need to do some homework first. It has been well publicized that Jacko does not want to live at Neverland anymore after the search warrants were executed by the cops. He feels violated there and so he, Bubbles the Chimp, and the Elephant Man's bones are living in a Howard Johnsons on I-5 north of LA. Rumour has it that McAuley Culkin is visiting a lot and they are acting out scenes from The Good Son, with Jacko playing the part of Elijah Wood because Frodo won't return their phone calls. Also, I think MJ stopped wearing the single glove after the release of Dangerous in 1991.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	I commend you on your dedication. Have we all forgotten how ground breaking and amazing Micheal Jackson's contribution to pop music has been? MJ's influence can be seen in countless music videos' choreography and pop music around the world. My suggestion for you is to do AS Micheal Jackson would have done. Don't just follow the same old paedophilia. Find the next paedophilia. Start calling your home AlwaysWorld and begin inviting elderly people over for sleepovers. Take them on rollercoasters, buy them candy, and change there names to Geritol, Diaper, and Prince 5. Miguel, if you go on this new path, you will be setting the stage for all the Miguel Jackstones around the world looking for someone new to look up to.
Chris	Miguel, Honestly, honestly. Stop. Michael Jackson lost his mind a long time ago, like around the time that he became buds with BOTH Ross Perot AND Macauley Culkin. He is not sane at all. He is actually insane. Granted he might be light on his feet, but after hearing about the current allegations against him, the mounting of conclusive evidence that he frolics with children naked in front effigies of himself as Jesus and other biblical characters, and the fact that there is a noticeable difference in facial features and skin color, I would say that overlooking the obvious (he is insane in the membrane) and focusing on the long ago positives (he WAS the biggest pop star ever)is unhealthy for you. By all means, if you want to befriend people half your age, transform yourself into human japanese anime, and be a reclusive weirdo who people think is asexual, do your thing. Did you know that Michael Jackson reproduces through mitosis? It's true. He has like 40 kids now, and he keeps them all in a container when not dangling them over german balconies. After all of this, if you still want to do this, go ahead. The Directions to Neverland are: San Quentin State Prison California Correctional Services 1991 San Quentin Boulevard San Quentin, California 94964 Moonwalk your ass in and visit the warden.

Trevor	Listen BURT, you need to get in touch with someone. That someone is yourself. Try this exercise: find a room with no windows, remove all furniture and wall hangings. Place a single chair in the middle, turn off the lights and sit in the darkness and silence. Ask yourself the following questions, focusing on the words as you say them (out loud). "Who am I?". Repeat this phrase a few times (out loud). Say it louder everytime. This last step is very important. Get up from your chair in the dark. Spin around as fast as you can a dozen times. Then try to find the lightswitch! It's an incredible time. I recommend wearing a helmet if you try this. After doing this, I think you'll have the answer to your question. If you're too lazy to try this, then I'll give you the answer: get with this chick! If she sires your children, you will have rock royalty in your lineage. This kid will have all the priveliges that other kids don't because Mick Mars is his grandpa.
Steve	As the father of two illegitimate children, I think I know what I'm talking about when I say that this smells fishy. There's no such thing as a Poison fan in 2005. Any real Poison fans jumped ship in 1992 when C.C. quit the band. I mean, how could Poison exist without his delicous licks and tasty hooks? When he came back in '97 it was obviously just for commercial reasons... it was no longer about the raw glam punk attitude that had fueled the band in their early days. You need to forget about Poison. Really man.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	NO WAY. Poison is an amazing band. Their legacy is NOT meant to be tainted by the likes of such poseurs as Motely Crue, and that includes lame ass fans, and illegitimate daughters of band members. First of all, you have no proof that she is in fact Mick Mars' daughter, and secondly...dude....if she looks anything like Mick Mars, you should have your eyes checked, because he is a walking corpse.

Trevor	Listen HANNA! Grandfathers have every right to act however they please. Whether this involves the grotesque situation you've described, or any other embarrassin scene, they've earned that right. This dude has sired a family, and then put in his time on this planet. It's about time he kicks back and says what's really on his mind. I must point out that this only applies to people over 72. So next time your grandpa makes a gesture that you deem to be socially unacceptable, give him the props he deserves for living life. When you see an elderly man peeing in the corner at the mall, give him a pat on the back. When you catch an elderly woman touching herself on the bus, tell her she's alright. If you come across two octogenarians racing their Bandit brand motorized scooters through Carlingwood Mall, hitch a ride and let them know you whole heartedly agree. The elderly deserve our respect. You'd be wise to stay away from ladies who think otherwise.
Steve	So Ben, what's the good word? Have you seen her underwear? Felt her ta-tas? Tickled her groceries? Flipped her burgers? Made her a BLT? Deep fried her french fries? Steamed her cabbages? Boiled her perrogies? Sometime I'll show you how to boil a girl's perrogies. Then she'll be butter in your asparagus leaves.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Hey Ben, I think it's about high time you had a conversation with someone. You know who that is? Yourself. What I like to do is look in the mirror, and repeat, "I AM GREAT!", and "I AM GOOD". Doing this, and also clenching your fists until they bleed will be effective in convincing yourself that you can overcome this. Happy Holidays!

Trevor	Listen MATSUNAGA! You need to get out and enjoy winter. I know it's hard to make time for it, but it's the only way to feel young/happy this time of year. Do you even own snow pants? You need to get some, put them on, and actually play in the snow. I'm not talking about making a lame snowman to impress a lady, I'm talking down and dirty. Find a big snow bank, dig a tunnel. Let it collapse on you and attempt to survive for 3 days buried in that bank. Better yet, find a rural road, one with ditches, wait for a large new blanket of snow to land, and go lie in that ditch. When the snow plow comes by at the high speeds typical to the rural roads, allow it to bury you in an even larger pile of snow. Now attempt to survive for a week under a mountainous crush of snow, while nursing 4 broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder. This is the only way you will become happy with your life again. Either that or kill a kitten. That always makes me feel better.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	What I find works best when feeling down from the reality of life is to turn to TV. TV has always been there for me through the good and the bad. My early stone-washed jeans with no belt style was directly adopted from Zach Morris of Saved by the Bell. As I got older the WWF was a large part of my life. My new style was tights and knee pads. When anyone laughed I would put them in a sleeper hold, then cut their hair when they passed out. Now that I am in the prime of my life I have become a CSI-aholic. I know it is one 5 times a day but it isn't enough. I now interigate all my friends with horrible puns until they tell me where the cookies are hidden. (Side note: Steve, I dusted for prints on my bass amp where I left my pick. I know you said that you didn't take it but I ran your prints through the fingerprint software that I have. Long story short = Perfect Match).
Chris	*Note To All Setbacks Fans I know Ebenezer Matsunaga. He is a friend of mine. So don't let my answer to him give you the impression that I am a mean person with just any regular joe who writes into this advice column. Todd is a close personal friend of mine, and I have know him for years. He once even filled in for Trevor on guitar at one of our shows, and is an accomplised jazz dancer. Todd, I am both hurt and touched by you. It seems that you never quite got over that Winter Carnival we went to together. I want you to know that it wasn't you, but it was me. I just wasn't ready to get involved with you like that, just yet, and I kinda thought you were moving things along at a little too fast a rate. I mean, physically....yeah that was stellar. But emotionally, I just felt that you were a little sensitive about things, and you were talking about buying promise rings and stuff. I'm sorry. I miss you sometimes, but I've since moved on, and am now with someone who makes me really happy. I hope that you can move on as well. I will however let you know, that whenever I see a snowflake, the first person I think of is you. chrissy

Trevor	First off, I'd like to start with a warning. Chris' answer to this advice, like most of his answers, contains jokes about being gay. He does this a lot, and I know a lot of our mothers read this column. I don't know what his fixation is, but he claims them to be jokes, no matter how insensitive. I apologize on behalf of the Setbacks. Now on to my advice: Listen SPLENDIDO, this is a tough one. My advice is to in turn put your hand on the other guy as well, make him feel uncomfortable. This could backfire, as you may end up standing around, both of you touching each other all casually if he doesn't end up uncomfortable. Either that or try out some new friends.
Steve	The best way out of this predicament is to have your shoulders surgically removed. Don't balk at the idea - this is a time-tested procedure that's been performed for hundreds of years. It originated in Italy as a way for young men to get out of doing work like carrying sacks of feed on their family farms. The tradition was passed down many generations, but today there are very few veterinarians that still perform this risky procedure. Mackenzie King outlawed it in the 1940s when young men were using it as a way to dodge the war. In the 1960s, the underground hippie culture embraced it as a form of silent protest against the government until the disco crowd of the 70s became obsessed with having their shoulders removed as a way to mimic their idol, John Travolta. Throughout the 80s and 90s there have been very few procedures performed in Canada, but I can get you the name of a good doctor who still accepts patients in a wooded area outside of Chinatown.
Paul	That is really weird. I have a friend who embarasses me exactly like that except my friend has taken it to the next level. Whenever we go to the club and are trying to dance and pick up chicks, he starts spinning around, arms stretched out, head arched back, and eyes closed. Sometimes when he stops spinning, he clutches his chest and I'm pretty sure I caught him crying once. He says it is because the music has embraced his soul but I think he looks like a damn hippy. Either way, I think you should continue with the cold-cocking or hot-cocking. Whichever works best. Good luck.
Chris	I don't really know what to say here. Paul. Since when do we pick up chicks at bars? The only "cold-cocking or hot-cocking" going on here is in this band's rhythm section. The only reason I did that the other night in your bedroom without my clothes on is because you wanted to re-enact a scene from "Shall We Dance", the movie. You know what? I always compromise with you with stuff like that. You said you friggin' liked it! I'm kind of sick and tired with you being flip flop on our casual sexual relationship. You know what? I am turning my phone off at midnight from now on. Don't bother calling me when you get out from the bar tonight!

Trevor	Listen FESTLESON! You are on the right track with The Setbacks/Star Wars mix, but you're way off. We weren't going to tell anyone this, but rather let people find out themselves, but so far no one has stumbled onto this. Steve will probably donkey punch me for letting this leak, but here goes: If you put on our latest CD and listen to it at the same time as watching the movie Beverly Hills Ninja with the sound off, I think you'll find a lot of interesting things happen that parallel the music and lyrics. Just press play on the CD when the Sensei/narrator begins to tell the story "Twenty five years ago, an ancient legend of this sacred art came alive. It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us and become a Ninja master unlike any other..." Obviously since our EP is only 20 minutes long, it won't last the whole movie. Luckily the movie is very repetitive, so just put the cd on repeat and it works again and again. We also tried to do this with our first cd, but we had trouble doing it. It sort of works with the movie Over The Top with Sylvester Stallone.
Steve	Woah - this is a seriously retarded question. Setbacks music should not be played before, during or after any Star Wars movie or video game. While our music does have it's place, it doesn't hold a candle to tracks like White Zombie's "More Human Than Human" or Garbage's "I Think I'm Paranoid" when it comes to sheer agressiveness - be it pumping combatants up for a major light saber confrontation or simply accompanying the planning stages of a Jedi tactical maneuvre. On the ligher side, tracks like Robbie Williams' "Millenium" and Dido's "Thank You" work really well with romantic interludes or as a post-battle "calm down" track. Please never listen to Setbacks music in any Star Wars context again.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	I have to admit, that I can't really see our music in synchronization with anything related to Star Wars. Sorry. The idea of our anthemic search and destroy classics coupled with a screen capture of Yoda in the swamps of Dagobah traning Luke to lift the X-wing out of the sludge using the force....ahhh....I can't put it together. With that, or any scene in Star Wars. You can feel free to do what you like with it, assuming that you paid for the CD, but my official say is that you suck, especially for having LAN parties. I will however make some suggestions that are in my opinion much more effective if you insist on doing this. Ones, that I might add, are much more appropriate. Last year, I watched The Wizard Of Oz in sync with Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon, and had been thinking about how to pull this off properly. Here are some of my gems: 1. Cue "One Track Mind" with the exact beginning of the film "The Color Purple" with Whoopi Goldberg, Danny Glover, and Oprah Winfrey. Really, I won't give it away, but it is pretty trippy. Our amazing riffs will surely change the visual theme of this film. 2. Try " Little Girl" with "Mr. Destiny" with Jim Belushi and Renee Russo. Hilarious. 3. Begin playing "Message" from our self titled debut at the exact moment that the asteroid hit Paris, France in "Armageddon" with Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler. Awesome times. For that matter, try the same song at the beginning of the scene where Bruce Willis gets blown up at the end of the movie. 4. Cue "Perfect Silence" at the part where Mr. Anderson/Neo gets his mouth fused shut in the first Matrix movie. This is really awesome. 5. Begin blaring "Get Er' Up" at the part where John Candy is making that giant pancake for the kids in "Uncle Buck". Hello!

Trevor	Listen WRIGHT! Looks to me like Mr. Wright has found Mrs. Wrong. You need to have a background check done on this dame. No one who is convicted for embezzlement and securites fraud does time in a maximum security penitentiary. They spend time in the hotel-like minimum security condos, or at most the seedy motel-like medium security apartments. I suspect she is lying to you in an attempt to get closer to your parents, who may have been the ones to put her behind the big bars of Millhaven for whatever heinous crime she committed. This definitely smells like a plot for revenge. When this all goes down, I'd like first shot at writing the made for tv adaptation of the events. Are you down with that? I'll have the Setbacks' lawyers fax you a copy of a contract. After rereading my advice, I can tell you this: I like my advice like I like my women: fast and stupid.
Steve	Gerry - I can't pinch off any wisdom if you don't ask me anything. In the words of Mr. Trebek: "Can you phrase that in the form of a question?"
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Man. Nymphomaniac women in prison and chains and shanks and sweaty breasts....hmmmm...this sounds like a penthouse forum letter! I'd say tell your parents that she was a warden, that way, when she recounts this hot XXX stories of her time in the slammer,...uh....wait. I think I've let my mind wander. sorry.

Trevor	Listen WRINKLES! The U.S. does not own the colours of red, white, and/or blue. We can put it on anything we want without endorsing anything that the United States does. As far as your question about political songs, or lack thereof, I just don't think you are looking hard enough. I think you should give the album another listen after reading this: One Track Mind is a song about George W. Bush's unrelenting desire to search for WMD despite all evidence to the contrary, Get 'Er Up is about the U.S. attempting to rally the UN to take part in the war obviously driven by oil, Paradise is a hopeful song about post-Saddam Iraq, Born on the River is about the great divide among the american people concerning the war, The Sleuth is a tribute to UN weapons inspector Hans Blix, Little Girl is about the character Winnie from the Wonder Years (not political, but one hell of a gal).
Steve	You're bang on Philemon. The original working title of the EP was "Red, White and Blues: The Setbacks Call to Arms in Troubled Times". In the end, after staring at that Rolling Stone issue with Britney Spears on the cover during the entire recording session we all agreed to change the name to "One Track Mind"... and to invest in a band subscription to several porno mags. The Setbacks have always been a highly political band. Three of us are aligned with a left-wing extremist group in Aylmer. Trevor, however, is a senior party official with the Canadian Communist party. We regularly clash over our political differences in band rehearsal. That's when it's time to bring out the porno mags.
Paul	Honestly Phil, the States are slighly affraid of The Setbacks and their great power. We have had our problems with them. Last time we tried to cross the border with our guitars in cases, we got arrested for having concealed weapons. Similarly, the day after our CD release party Hans Blix showed up on our doorstep saying he had heard we had used a weapon of mass destruction. We replied "Fuck yeah, we destroyed the Dominion last night!" Long story short; he asked us to stop playing, we said no, we played him a song, he bought a CD for his scientists to analyze, it obviously got into the wrong hands, and Bush ended up winning the election. Sorry U.S. of A.
Chris	Phil, The Setbacks are a relatively "political" band, I guess you could say. We're always thinking about world events when writing our rock songs. NOT! Sorry bud, as a band, we generally prefer lighter themes like tits, ass, booze, cars, knives, guns, drugs, having a good time, being wicked, and strip joints. We are fuelled, collectively by high octane, as we are a maximum party band. Individually is a different story. I'll have you know that I wholeheartedly supported Bush with his invasion. I just think he attacked the wrong fucking place. EVERYONE knows that the Weapons of Mass Destruction aren't in Iraq. They are in Latvia! Latvians are all maniacal military geniuses bent on world domination. I know Latvia doesn't seem like much, but seriously sir, I have conclusive proof that they will become a mysterious force to be reckoned with any day now. The U.S. is unwisely ignoring these sinister people, and I have a major reason to believe that they were responsible for the overwhleming failure of a garage sale in Orleans that I attended last weekend. See? Fucking Latvians!

Trevor	Listen PUPPY! Cher died in 1986, and has since been replaced by a robot which was originally run by Sonny Bono, right until his ski hill death. Cher-bot is now controlled by Reebok, and though they have resisted using her to straight up sell shoes, she has been dropping subtle hints all over the place. Whether it's a well timed zinger on Will and Grace, or that corporate logo tattoo on her ass, make no mistake that she is nothing more than a robot. However, none of that information will help with your dilemna. Maybe put some blood on the cosutme so it's more Halloween'ish, and not just some dude in a dress freaking out his family. Also, sorry no one answered your advice in time for Halloween. Hope everything worked out well and you didn't have to run out on your family!
Steve	Dude - Cher sucks ass hard. Have you ever seen Mermaids? Me neither - but I'm sure it sucks huge like a giant piece of suck. Have you ever seen Cher in concert? Me neither - but I'm sure she sucks royally like the Queen of Sucktopia. Have you ever met Cher? Me neither - but I'm sure she sucks more in person than you could possibly imagine. Head back to the oil rig and get a real costume next year. If you cut two eye-sized holes out of a standard bed sheet you place it over your genitalia and go as a ghost with warts. Now THAT is a man's costume.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	I think that your girlfriend is the one with the problem. She obviously can't appreciate the significance with, in my opinion, your amazing fascination with Cher. I happen to LOVE Barbara Streisand. I often enjoy dressing up and doing the lines from Yentl or All The Love I Have To Give. Barbara's amazing and stupendous talent more often than not gets ignored by the guys. I say, if your stupid kids and your stupid wife can't understand your healthy appreciation of one of America's greatest divas, drop them like a bag of anvils, and get the hell outta dodge to the closest drag club you can get to, and begin your new life a la To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar.

Trevor	Listen BLAGENSTEIN! I think you have just answered your own question. Your passionate speech has really touched me. Give this speech to you child, and he too will be saved. I have regularly participated in Halloween festivities, and have not considered the damage I am doing to my soul. I have also realized the damage I do in my everyday life as well. Recently I have been using a lot of swears, and have been indulging in a lot of libations. Well no more! I shall now reject all that is evil in this world and follow a truer path, one which will lead me to a more good and nice soul. From now on, no more of the deadly sins. No more Pride, Envy, Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Anger, or Lust. I will now contact our webmaster and tell him to take down all bragging comments from our site, as well as stop forcing people to pay for our music. And I will change the lyrics and melodies. I have a lot of work to do. Mark this day as the day upon which I have been saved!!! Thank you BLAGENSTEIN!
Steve	Hello Jeb - your question about Halloween has got me thinking about stuff that's spooky, evil and related to his lordship Beelzebub. I got a flyer on my windshield the other day from a cult of unholy young girls who have sold their souls to Satan in an attempt to fully worship the music of the Setbacks. As far as I can tell they don't sacrifice virgins or farm animals, but they do take great pride their full-back pentagram tattoos and in shaving the image of our drummer Chris' face into their nether regions. While I must confess I do find this mildly flattering, it has made me a little skiddish around black pussies... erm... I mean, cats... and teenage girls with full-back pentagram tattoos.
Paul	I am going to dress up as Tootie from The Facts of Life this year. I went as Jo last year but I kept on getting told I wasn't butch enough.
Chris	I think you might have to kick it up a notch in order to scare your son into realizing that Halloween is in fact the deliciously evil celebratory wishes of Lord Satan himself. You weak Christians think you are so righteous, but in reality you are very simple minded. First of all, I must say, I don't think you have a chance in HELL of making your simpleton child veer away from the unholy fun that is Halloween. His royal darkness designed the holiday like that in order to GET human children into it in the first place. FYI, Halloween is a selection process of sorts to determine who is best suited to become the living breathing Anti-Christ. Millions of candies, costumes, and loads of fun are what makes Halloween irressitible, especially to children. If you want me to talk to your kid, I'd be glad to, although maybe I should tell you that I really really really love The Overlord of The Underworld, SATAN. The moment I set eyes on your kid, I'm going to convert him faster than Annakin Skywalker. The fact that you are fueled by the power of the good only makes you blow chunks. Kids naturally know that being evil and worshipping Satan gets you candies, toys, and when you get older, some fine ass nymphomaniac bitches who will worship the dark emperor with them, and wear bikinis with pentagrams on the crotch. Good luck churchie!