The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen BAGGINS, for art to truly flourish, there must first be suffering. And not just physical suffering like nails in the eye or mosquito bites, but also spiritual suffering. It sounds as though your friend is about to go through some unsettling times. Rejection from major studios, harsh criticisms from unsympathetic editors, and heartless rewrites from scores of screenplay writers. In times like that, he'll be grateful to have a friend like you, who stood by him and encouraged him in his art. Especially when later this month he and his wife are sleeping on your couch and eating leftover cat food if the idea doesn't sell. And if the idea does sell, you can remind him how you helped him through the tough times, and when he and Peter Jackson (the director, not the cigarette brand) are accepting an Oscar, your name will be mentioned. Awesome.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Your friend better hurry up with his follow up movie because I read on IMDB the other day that the original, made in Japan in 1982, is going to be re-released with english subtitles. This first interpretation of J.R.R. Tolkens' novels was only done in one installment and called "Si Won Gi-Cuda" which loosely translates to "The Master Circle Quest". From the reviews that I have read, the fight scenes are supposed to be beautifully choreographed and the script quite well written. It also makes a note that Chow Yun Fat has a small part as a young hobbit. I wish your friend the best of luck but this sounds much cooler then some RV hitch story.
Chris	Trevor, I don't know either man. You're not the only one concerned with Steve's weird behaviour lately. Ever since he bought the LOTR trilogy, the dude has become a bonafide strange character. Did you know that he had that costume built for everyday use? He has lost his mind. As long as he shows up for practice, I'm fine with it, and really couldn't care what he's writing or doing otherwise. I'm just keeping my mouth shut until he doesn't show up for something band related.

Trevor	Listen CRICKET! Your problem sounds very familiar to me. As a matter of fact, the situation reeks of Saracino. Chris, I am saddened that you could not come to your band mates in confidence to help you, but instead chose to anonymously post on our advice column. I will still help you though. Chris, I mean Cricket, your wife and you need to work on compromise. Often in this situation, silly objects such as a wookie chair become symbols of greater struggles. I know deep down you knew you would have to put the chair and table in storage, but you do not want to give in because it will be giving your wife the upper hand. Just remember, this is not a game, you can make sacrifices. Nevertheless, make sure to demand that you are paid back in cooking and oral sex.
Steve	I went through a similar experience when I got laid off from Subway and had to go back to living with my parents. Trademark pieces from my bachelor pad like my I AM CANADIAN banner, Mike's Hard Lemonade poster, Captain Morgan life-sized cutout and nude girls of Bacardi calendar used to be all my friends would talk about when they came over to get smashed... but let's just say that these didn't go over too well at my parents' place. My parents are thrilled to have me back at home but they've completely redecorated my room according to their tastes. Now hand-made wooden toilet paper holders, mailboxes, shoe racks and napkin holders adorned with hand-painted loons and ducks run rampant in my room. On the walls - posters of kittens with funny sayings like "Hang in there" and "I'm the boss". It's a far cry from my autographed cover of the Hip's "Road Apples" CD. I've come to realize that this is just a temporary thing and to roll with the punches. You my friend, however, are totally screwed. If you need anybody to take the sweet coffee table and chair off your hands, I can do that.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	At the risk of dissapointing Trevor, this is in fact not me at all. I don't have a problem with that kind of thing. Olivia and I are very happy with our home, and for that matter, I wouldn't be as daft as to bring anything Star Wars related to our abode. We do however, as some of you know, enjoy Anthony Robbins, and attend his seminars on a regular basis. Our "padthony" is adorned with everything related to Tony Robbins and his formulas for success. Our most recent addition is the length of constantly hot coals that we've had permanently installed into our hard wood floor. Every morning we wake up, and take a walk on the "wild side", as Tony says. Only you control your destiny, and as Tony says, grab it by the horns, and say that you WANT IT!

Trevor	Listen TRODVOR! Last time you were looking for advice on what to do while in Nova Scotia, now you want tips on apres-ski in Stowe, Vermont? Are you so independently wealthy that you can travel to all these exotic locations without even a thought about finances? Must be nice, spoiled rich asshole! I'm glad I got that out. Now, as for what to do in Stowe, I'm not too sure. I didn't even know what it was. I went down to my local library to get a copy of Stowe's local paper, and checked out their 'police blotter'. This might serve as a bit of a warning for you: Geneva Smedley, 21, of Barre, was charged by police on Feb. 12 with driving under the influence. A dog was impounded Feb. 14. Andrew Hahn of New York reported Feb. 14 that cross-country skis were stolen in Stowe. Police on Feb. 15 found a bicycle in Stowe. A dog was impounded Feb. 15. A dog was impounded Feb. 17. A dog was impounded Feb. 18. Robert Reid of Stowe reported Feb. 19 that someone ripped down an end at the base of a driveway. Apparently there are a lot of stray dogs in Stowe. You may want to make sure your shots are all up to date, and take an emergency rabies needle with you, just in case.
Steve	Brother Trod, Forgive my lack of advice on your last question, but here on terrestrial earth there are some more serious problems than what you're going to do in Stowe this weekend. Geez man... I mean, seriously. You know Trodvor, you really piss me off.
Paul	The greatest thing about any of these ski resort towns has to be the abundance of "ski bunnies". These beautiful creatures bundle up in all the layers that winter warrants but still remain scortching hot. The apres ski is much more popular than being on the actual hill. I recommend some hot rum infused cocoa while sitting by the fire with one of the many honeys to chose from. Also a word of warning. This happened to me 3 years ago in Banff. I was with friends at the bottom of the hill checking out all of the "scenery". We had all been commenting on the smoking hot ladies that were passing by when I saw, what seemed to me at the time, to be the hottest bunny of them all. She hadn't even turned around when I had nudged my buddy to make some rude comment. Just after I finished my inuendo, she turned around and I found out that the tight little ass that I was staring at was some DUDE. Damn, that sucked. A little bit of vomit came up into my mouth. So, the moral to the story is that make sure you know what is under all that thermal wear before you do anything you would regret.
Chris	Stowe. Majestic and Glorious. If you like the feeling of pure powder, soft like heaven, and white like virginal linens, as you cut lines down the face of some killer mountains on your Rossignols, then Stowe it is. Here are some more interesting facts about Stowe, Vermont that you probably didn't know. 1. Mission Impossible 2 was edited in Stowe. 2. Historically, Stowe is best known for it's re-animation of the living dead every 10 years. If you get a chance, check this out. 3. Howard Stowe, the founder of Stowe back in the quaker era, was a well known asshole. 4. Stowe has a bad sheriff. Sherrif Johnson. 5. Stowe has a great restuarant called "Wings and Things".

Trevor	Listen PETE! You can't expect a woman to fall for you because of your car. First, take a shower and get that stench of meat off of you. You likely don't even notice that you have permasteak smell in all your clothes, hair, skin and teeth. Women don't like that. The smell is so strong even your email smelled a little bit like red meat. In terms of what kind of wheels to buy, a good used Ford Festiva will never let you down, and it tells the world "I am practical and like to party, like a fiesta". Maybe if you can afford it get an eagle, a wolf, and the moon airbrushed on the hood. Also: never buy a corvette, that just means you have a small penis.
Steve	Dearest Pete, Congratulations on saving up some money for a new ride. History and ZZ Top videos tell us that the key to hooking up with hot chicks is a set of smokin' wheels. No girl can resist the smell of burnt rubber... or the smell when tires spin on asphalt. That's good too. If you want to decimate some panties, your best bet is to pick up a formula one racer. They travel at speeds close to 300 mph, which is probably faster than any other car you can buy. The downside is that there is zero backseat room for gettin' nasty with the females. A better compromise of performance and roominess might be a hearse. On the topic of wheels - I recently saw a dude busting around in a Jeep Cherokee that was COVERED in some company's logo (I presume the company this guy worked for). I'm not really sure what to make of it - like, what is this guy saying? I'll go off-road to close the deal with you? Normal highways and roads do not limit my ability to serve customers?
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Pete, Our rock star lifestyles have permitted us to own some of the finest and most luxurious vehicles ever created by men. I've had my share of Hummers, Ferraris, Lamborghinis, and Dodge Dusters, but my whip of choice right now is a 2005 Bentley convertible. I used the advance money that we got from Sorority Song Records for this purchase, for the delivery of our last scintillating record, "One Track Mind". For you? I would suggest Trevor's outta sight whip. A 2002 Ford Focus wagon. You really want to evaporate the underwear? Put a baby seat in the back.

Trevor	Listen GUTEMBERG! I'm not really sure how to answer your question here. I'm actually not sure what the question is. However, I do know that martial arts is awesome. I invented one called Kealey Kwon Do which is far superior to any other type of martial art. With Kealey Kwon Do I can kick really good and also punch hard. Some examples of moves that are exclusive to Kealey Kwon Do that would destroy anybody in a fight are: -The Four Fingered Flip -Distracto Punch -Tongue 'n' Groove -The Patella Pincher If you even saw these moves, you would immediately forget all your own fighting techniques and bow before me. If you were so unlucky to be on the receiving end of one of these, you would be reading this advice from either heaven or hell, depending on how you lived your life. That's right. You would be dead.
Steve	Lins Silva, all of this sounds great... honour tables, campaigns against the hunger, folklorics dances, and wonderful kick techniques. These are a few of my favourite things. However there is one problem - you have no ability to write coherent English sentences. The Setbacks are a bilingual band. We speak English almost exclusively and sometimes the language of love during our more tender songs. If you can't communicate to us clearly in English (I'm afraid love is reserved for females only) then I don't think we can sit at the honour table at your Kung Fu festival. Sorry if this upsets you.
Paul	Touring has always been very important to us. So important that we have spent the last 2 years planning a tour. This tour will potentially criss cross the world or at least southern Ontario depending if our sponsors come through. Either way I would like it noted that Brazil is an amazing place. I have never been but I can imagine the great times that I would have there. Any country that has collectively looked at the size of women's bathing suit bottoms and said "That covers too much of the ass. I suggest that we make it smaller so that we can see more of the ass." must be a great country.
Chris	I can't believe this! You know since I've joined this band, I've had a bunch of chance encounters with various celebrities because I play in The Setbacks. J. Englishman, Paul from The Edison Twins, Relic from The Beachcombers, Jian Ghomeshi from Moxy Fruvous, Rita MacNeil, Snow....to name but a few. You by far are the biggest celebrity to date! I can't believe this! Truly outrageous! I have a few questions for you: Is Hightower an asshole in real life? How hot is that sexy cop that hooked up with Tackaberry? That dude who makes the crazy sounds with his mouth, I forget his name, is he nice? When you did Coccoon, did you aks Wilford Brimley if the curtain matched the carpets? How did you find working with Ron Howard? Were Ted Danson and Tom Selleck good guys? Why are they still working, and you're not? Did you ever think about stealing Johnny Number 5 from the set of Short Circuit? Was the lazer he had on his shoulder real? Where are you now? Why aren't you acting anymore? I saw Police Academy 9 at the video store, and you weren't on the box!

Trevor	Listen MCENROSE! This is the lady that raised you. The lady who passed you through her vagina and into this world, cared for you, and let you suckle at her teet until you became the man you are today. And now you are going to turn around and make her realize she's an alcoholic? Who among us hasn't fogotten a kid or two at the mall? Who hasn't traded a kidney for a fifth of mouthwash for a cheap buzz? Who hasn't woke up in Cassleman unable to remember how we got there? I'll tell you who: NOBODY! We've all been there, and have the scars to prove it. Maybe you should try to live a little. Maybe it's time you and your mother spend some quality time together, boozing it up and hitchiking to Moose Creek or Kemptville to trade a spleen for some home made potato whiskey.
Steve	One time I stopped in Casselman to get gas and had a bit of an odd conversation at the pumps with some elderly gentleman who I can only assume is from Casselman. It went like this: Me: (pumping gas and minding my own business) Old man: (while looking at the "Litres" amount and thinking it was the price) 40.5! Tabernac that's a great deal! Me: (noticing his mistake and contemplating on whether I should bother correcting him...) I think that's the litres. Old man: I don't care if it's in metres... it's better than Laval!
Paul	It is funny that you should bring up Saga. Old Canadian bands, much like alcoholics, had a great time doing what they did 20 years ago. There were wild partys and women. It was cool to be a cheeze rock Canadian band (or an alcoholic). The only problem is that after a point how can you tell yourself that when you are partying with balding, 40 year old accountants that this is cool. Maybe you need to show your mother some comparisons. Ask her if she wants to end up in a tiny bar in Red Deer where people are screaming for you to play "On the Loose". Not a pretty picture.
Chris	The only solution that I can see really working here, is an intervention. John, your mother is a raging alcoholic. That much is true, but I have a sneaking suspicion that her kidney absence might be related to something alltogether different, yet just as disturbing and potentially self destructive. Your mother might be dealing with organ for money addiction. One catch here John, there aren't that many things that you can do without in exchange for cash. You might want to know that. If the realization of these factors and the intervention don't work, I would suggest sitting your mother down, and killing her until she dies with a hardware store hammer. Best of luck.

Trevor	Listen RICKY! There are lots of amazingly romantic things you can do for a special lady on V-Day without even leaving the house. I will suggest to you a few things, even though I've never done them myself. And I think if my significant other reads this, she will be angry that I have these ideas but don't use them. This could be the end of my relationship, but I swore an oath to help those that come to the Setbacks for help. Here goes: Draw an nice warm bath, and fill it with Mr. Bubbles. Sprinkle some rose petals on the top, and light some scented candles around the edge of the tub. Select scents that are especially nice for the lady, such as lavender. Do not use that joke candle your buddy gave you that smells like feces. Also, make sure you clean out the tub first, you don't want a two week old pube ruining the mood. Now you're set for loving. If you don't like baths (lots of people don't like soaking in their own filthy water) try making a nice picnic meal (finger foods and sauces, delicious sandwiches cut into four, etc). I realize it's winter out, so what you'll do is spread the blanket somewhere in your house where you wouldn't normally eat, such as the basement. Light some scented candles and feed her food and wine. Then make sweet love behind the furnace, or on the hot water heater. Also: wear a crotchless teddy yourself.
Steve	Like Trevor, I swore an oath to dole out valuable advice on this website and I can't stand to sit by and watch a brother suffering needlessly. Ricky - you're not in bad shape at all. I know how to read women and this one is so dead simple it's like she was edited, published, printed in hard and soft cover, and made available at Chapter's locations across Canada. Here's how I see it... Based on what you said, she never gets up before 2pm... ever... except for today Based on #1, I'm assuming she never makes you breakfast... except for today Based on nothing but my own imagination, the thought of a crotchless teddy is rather intriguing All signs point to a guys night out. She's obviously made her own plans for this evening and wants you to do the same. Why do you think she got up 7 hours earlier than usual? That's right - so she can say she put in her token "boyfriend time" and then go out with the girls tonight feeling guilt free. Call your buds and arrange for some serious poker with beer and Cuban stogies. If you really want to impress her... and I mean, if you really want to show her how much you understand her feminine needs... have the poker game at your place and have all your pals there drinking and filling the kitchen with farts by the time she gets home. Trust me... it's what she wants you to do.
Paul	Holy crap! Valentines day is today!! I'm in so much trouble.
Chris	Hahahahahahaha...for a second I thought it was Ricky J. The Canadian asshole Ali G wannabe who made hip-pop records back a few years ago, and toured with Snow! If anything deserves an eye roll, it's that wanker. Ok here is the good news and bad news. Good news first. Good News: If your girlfriend made you flapjacks and syrup, and presented it in a crotchless teddy, you have a fine woman there. Don't lose her! She obviously cares about you, and is making an effort to relay what seems to be her genuine affection and romantic feelings towards you. She is then having the sex with you after feeding you. This is all amazing stuff! Bad News: You have no plans, and if you are attempting at making them on Valentine's Day, you are fucked. Don't bother, because Burger King will prollly not have a seat available tonight. You are a dick head. Solution: Buy lube, and get ready to jerk off for a long time until you find a woman who is willing to do that again. They are an endangered species. You really fucked this one up. She is going to leave you. Take my advice seriously, and if you're lucky to find anyone else who is willing to do that, you best STAMP february 14th on your johnson (as per my penis post-it notes advice), and make sure you remember the shit out of this date from now on.

Trevor	Listen JEREMIAH! Before you go playing the race card on this close-knit family, do some snooping. Do it up Private Dick style. Get a fedora, a cheap suit, and a magnifying glass. Wait until you are alone in the house. Then go down like Encyclopedia Brown on the place. Get right into it, all searching through underwear drawers, all unrolling balled up snotty Kleenexes, tasting dust bunnies you find under the ottoman. You need some cold hard evidence before you go accusing. Here’s what you are looking for: DNA! It is the answer to everything. I once dated a girl I thought might be my cousin, so one time after getting stone cold nasty on her step dad’s kitchen table, I took a swab of fluid from the mess left behind. Just use a Q-Tip, they’re every amateur sleuths’ best friend. Anyway, I took it to the lab, and the fancy software concluded we were not cousins. I dumped her anyway, because it turned out that the DNA test showed that she was actually an iguana, and not human at all. But that’s a story for another time.
Steve	Dear Jeremiah, It sounds like you're the victim of a classic postal worker scam. I saw this on Dateline Tuesday. Here's the basic idea: a con-artist posing as a mail delivering sibling approaches young couples and claims that he's just lost his job and asks if he can stay with the couple until he finds new work. Once inside, this is where the real scamming begins... the con-artist sets up a cot for months or even years in the couple's home, and after he's totally comfortable in his new surroundings he'll begin to put himself in situations with the lady of the house that are sexually suggestive and intentionally designed to make the man of the house feel awkward and threatened. This will go on for several weeks until such time as the man becomes so upset that he emails an advice-seeking question to his favourite band. While the man awaits the response from said band, the con-artist robs the couple blind and steals the girl. Sorry dude.
Paul	LAY DOWN THE LAW!!! Are you going to let this post-Post worker walk all over you? There is a time in every mans life where you have to put your foot down. I think you should have probably done this 6 and a half years ago but better late then never. You are way past warnings. I say the next time you see him, you punch him right in the face and kick him out.
Chris	Hey man, Racism is not cool. You can have a brother that is totally asian, and be black in today's awesome society of equality, justice, and ACCEPTANCE. Maybe someone should check themselves. Already it seems that you have a hate on for this man, your girlfriend's brother! What gives? As for the spooning, I'd say it sounds a bit exagerated. Don't you think? Seeing as that you see everything through the eyes of a clansmen, are they really spooning, or simply celebrating their closeness with a quick glimpse on the tele of Jeepers Creepers? Soft core porn, eh? Honestly, honestly.... this is a total fabrication, isn't it? You are having intimacy problems with your girlfriend, and are looking into the relationship with her bro way too much. I'm also sure he was wrongfully dismissed from his job, and you fabricated that story about the woods being his personal mail dump. Get your head out of your ass, ass.

Trevor	I think you might have accidentally mistaken us for bandmates.com, the new spinoff from classmates.com. That being said, you need to quit living in the past. It's clear that this "Mike" no longer wants to know you. He's moved on, maybe you should too. If he wanted to be friends, you'd still be living on the same street. Real friends don't move away from that kind of awesome friendship. (note: as you can see, even sending a personal email to the setbacks will result in us giving you advice, even if you didn't want it)
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Hello Dave, I have a sneaking suspicion that you may be referring to Mike Bradford from Bertha Does Moosejaw, a band with a master plan, and a plan with a master band. For all those involved in the Ottawa music community, they were a wild punk act that endeared audiences with versions of the Super Mario Brothers theme that Mike, if I remember correctly, would perform on guitar. Very Mr. Bungle, and continuing my memory flashback, I remember them citing that very band as an influence. Justin, if it is the correct one, is the sound guy at Babylon Music Club. Justin is a nice man, and fronts a new band now. The last I heard, Mike is working for the GOC. That means, the Government of Canada. I often see him sometimes. He was a nice guy too. As for an email address, I can't provide one, as: 1. I don't know what that is. I have no computer, and I update this thing called an internet web site via a series of communications that I provide to Steve Palmer, our guitarist, through pigeon letters. 2. ...two, I don't know his email. However, if you would like to talk to the band in a more intimate setting, you can join www.sexfarmdwellings.com/chat/men and we can discuss music. It's a chat room that one of us found. Note: I provide my communications for this "chat room" to Steve, via the piegons, and so on...I'm sure you get the picture.

Trevor	Listen ROBERT! You need to prioritize. Take a step back and make a list. A simple list that will determine what is important to you in your life. Take all the things in your life that take up time and put them in the order with the most important at the top, and least important at the bottom. For example my list looks something like this (I won't include them all for the sake of brevity): 1. wife/kid 2. band 3. foosball 4. talking to Mr. and Mrs. Townsend 5. eating 6. sleeping . . . 914. taking a bath with a plugged in appliance 915. getting a haircut 916. work Once you put things in order and you find you have a conflict, check the list and blow off the lower item on the conflict. This may not help you avoid conflicts, but it will allow you to decide what you would rather spend time doing when a conflict does come up.
Steve	How do I keep things organized? I have a collection of fruits and vegetables that I use to manage my time. Fruits are professional commitments, vegetables are personal commitments, and people are represented by legumes. For example, if I plan to go for a beer with Trevor after work I'll bring a broccoli and some peanuts for lunch. That way I know what's on tap without having to remember anything (apart from my intricate system of fruit and vegetable cataloguing, and which friend/acquaintance goes with which legume).
Paul	There are a million ways to keep organized which include day planners and post-its and all sorts of other junk. All of these methods involve constant updating and maintenance. My technique is simple and it only involves only one investment of time. What you do is sit down and write about 100 (or as many as you can) excuses. If you want to be fancy, you can divide them up into sections of importance or theme or whatever. Once you have this list ready all you have to do is live your life. If you miss an appointment, pull out your list and tell them good old #45 "Had to take the dog to the vet" (Note: if you don't have a dog this might not work as well unless you use #27 "I was taking care of my friends dog" in conjunction). I guarentee that this will work. If it doesn't I'm sure that I will have an excuse for you.
Chris	I have a few tips for you here. Write all of the must dos that you have going on in your life, on your penis. I can guarantee whatever it is, you won't forget it if you put it there. Dayplanners are effective as well, but you have to take a leak, or pull on your buddy in the mornings or whatever, so you're bound to run into your little messages. I call these "genital post its". I've found them quite effective over the years, and I can assume that it will be no different for you. Best of luck! (Editor's note: I guess this explains why Chris always forgets things. How can he be expected to remember things when his list can only fit three letters.)