The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen ANONYMOUS, my grandmother used to say that genital warts were just burnmarks from God striking up a match, and not the result of contact with a frog. Though medical science has made many advances over the years, disproving many of my grandmother’s old sayings, I cannot find any textbook or reference where this theory is discredited. Luckily, my parents still have a copy of Dr. Cornelius Causeworth’s Curse Cures for me to reference. This is the first known medical textbook, and many of its solutions still apply today. Dr. C. suggests the following for Genital Warts: "In cases whereupon the patient has an illness such that warts appear in the most private of areas, do not in any circumstance come in contact with said patient. The cause of such an ailment is almost certainly the striking of a timber match stick by the Higher Power on the affected areas. Though it is most unfortunate that the Higher Power chose this particular area as flint, do not fret, for the cure is simple. One must fight fire with fire. Bring a cauldron of water to a brisk boil and add 1 cup of salt. Pour this boiling water onto the warts. This does cause much pain in the patient, however the warts will no longer be seen as a problem. To treat the burn, please see my volume: Dr. Cornelieus Causeworth’s Burn and Bite Bible." Hopefully this helps.
Steve	This is unfortunate, indeed. It's been a while since we've had to give out any penis advice. I was hoping our readers had maybe wised up and stopped doing ridiculous things to their genitals, but I guess I should have known it would just be a matter of time until somebody fell on a frog and pressed their penis and balls against it so that they got genital warts. Regardless, you obviously have a problem that needs attention right away. What I might suggest to counteract the warts is to rub your penis and balls against nature's opposite to a frog - a naked beautiful woman. Once your tip touches her silky skin, the warts will float away faster than you can name 5 different Hall and Oates songs.
Paul	It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We have all been there. Fallen awkwardly and touched our family jewels to all sorts of things. I have lost count on the amount of times that while casually looking through my fridge I've looked down to find big Jim and the twins neck deep in the Cool Whip tub. Sudden movements heed precautions as well. While on a trip to the local petting zoo we were in amongst the goats when a sharp noise alerted me. I spun around quickly. In my haste that morning I must have haphazardly connected my pants. With my pants open mid spin I ended up slapping one of the goats quite hard across his chin with my now-free one-eyed-snake. Not only had I insulted the goat but I also seemed to have caught the eye of one of the new born calfs. There is great responsibility carrying the Shaft of Fertility. Use it wisely.
Chris	The truth is, picturing you on bended knee, gingerly brushing your cock and balls against a frog by accident, is well, hilarious. I'm assuming that this is in fact what happened, because if you really lost your footing hard, you could have, or might have in fact, crushed the hell out of that frog with your genitals. The gross and hilarious possibilities of how you did, or how you could have done this are endless. I don't think that you got genital warts from this. I think you got genital warts from a recent sex partner. Science says so. Frogs, believe it or not, are actually immune to all human STD's, and actually secrete a precious liquid that modern doctors use as a treatment to completely cure almost 90% of modern sexually transmitted diseases. It's a fact. Conclusion: You're spouse, significant other, or booty call, is infected and needs to be quarantinned. I'd suggest using all the condoms, plus the box they came in if you're going to fish in that pond again, Bud. Additional Information: I used to regularly have sex with frogs, tadpoles, and other creatures of the moss, as I like to say. I enjoyed waking up in the brisk mornings, grabbing my leather bound copy of "The Chronicles of Narnia", and sitting in a meadow, enjoying the tales of magic and far off kingdoms. I spent so much time out there, that I got bored, horny, and starting screwing anything that happened to be close to me. Long story short, I really do know first hand that frogs are not the STD culprit that you think they are.

Trevor	This is a message for my fellow bandmates and advice givers Steve, Chris, and Paul. In recent months, I have been harassing you all to keep up with the advice page. I do this because I do not want people who read this column to think we do not care. When this person in need, Pinned in Pembroke, came to us with a very serious problem, I thought I could use it to teach you a lesson. He contacted us on November 15, claiming to have only two days to live. I decided I would not do anything to help him and see if any of you would extend a helping hand. I also decided I would not harass you guys to answer the advice. Soon I would find out if you truly care. I was incredibly disappointed when the first advice answer came rolling in nearly two weeks later. A man has died because of your neglect. For shame. The death is on your heads. But I must accept some of the guilt for I made a decision, albeit a difficult one, to leave this man’s life in your hands when I knew full well none of you would save him. So let’s all try from now on to answer the advice in a timely manner. My intense guilt for letting this man die to teach the Setbacks a lesson has inspired me to write a poem that can be read at his eulogy, if he is ever found: A man lies dead beneath a bookshelf, His body cold. Take comfort in the books Find solace in the volumes Had they hands they could have offered help. Had they ears they could have heard the yelp. Had they eyes they could have seen the death. Instead he has taken his last breath. A man lies dead beneath a bookshelf, His body cold. His death is my death, But it is also yours. -Trevor Kealey, 2005
Steve	Greetings "Pinned", You rock too, bud. I have never met you or spoken to you but I can tell that you have your shit together, so to speak. I have to apologize for the tardiness of my reply. I read your question back on the 16th just after you wrote to us, when there would have been ample time to arrange to send somebody over to help you. Unfortunately, I got side-tracked and some stuff happened and... here I am two weeks later. Boy do I feel like an ass now. Ain't life a bitch, eh? I guess since you've most likely expired from dehydration and/or starvation then there's no real point in offering you advice to pass the time. What I will do though is offer you and our readers an anecdote which always raises my spirits when I'm down in the dumps (and perhaps trapped under a large piece of furniture): "A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet." Think about it.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Hi Pinned in Pembrooke, I, not anyone else in the band can help you, but I'll send over some food. What would you like? I have a Georgie's Pizza flyer in front of me...hmmmm...let me see...what sounds good... Do you like Shish Taouk? It's a shawarma I think..anyways it sounds good. Pizza? Garlic bread? How about breadsticks? There are so many delicious things to eat here...I dunno...hey....they offer steak sandwiches! That sounds good. Anyways. The cab ride to drop your food off is going to be about $200.00. I'll have to ask you to go halfsies on this one, because that's a lot of money. Let me know when to send the stuff over, and I need a phone number. Hope you don't live in an apartment building, because the guy will get pissed if you dont' come to the door.

Trevor	Listen SKIPPIES! Congrats on becoming sexual for the first time. It pains me to hear about your self esteem issues, though. You need to first love yourself before you can love another. But don't worry, I can solve it. Get a full length mirror. Take off all your clothes. Stand there, stark naked, in front of the mirror and look especially at your santa bag, which I can only assume is where your eye would be drawn anyway. Stand there staring at it until you can accept it as beautiful. This can take days, so make sure to keep a 2L bottle of Evian, a bag of Cheetos, and a sandwich nearby. It will sustain you through this voyage of self discovery. Once you crack a smile, you and your grape-vine-in-a-silk-purse will be ready to take on the world. But don't touch your pouch after you've eaten cheetos, it'll turn the thing orange. That's not cool.
Steve	Sounds like your man bag is more than this girl can handle. You need to find someone who truly appreciates your fruit basket, regardless of how many potatoes are in it. P.S. How do you sit down? It must be difficult.
Paul	I just watched a movie the other day that hopefully might give you a more positive lookout on your situation. It was volume 3 of the S.S. Rubntug Series: Seamen Showers. It tells a story of a young first mate that has the same infliction that you have. From watching the movie, it seemed like the ladies didn't seem to mind. Actually, most of them threw themselves at him without much effort. There are ladies out there that will respect your situation and perhaps even enjoy it. You just have to find one that loves the frosting more than the cake.
Chris	I have to be honest with you. I think I am suffering from your condition, because I just found out that I'm having twins with my wife, and that has to certainly be related to extra balls in the sac of reproduction. Wouldn't you say? Besides the fact, I've never met a woman who didn't want to be in the sac with 40 guys. Tell your lady to stop whining and discover the joys of gangbangs. What a square! To be fair though, your situation is kind of gross. It's less about the way it feels, and more about the way it probably looks.

Trevor	Listen ANONYMOUS, I can tell a bogus french question when I see one, and this is it. I can understand your shame. I too would want to do all that I could to conceal my identity when asking a question as embarrassing as this. Don't worry though, I will still help you out, despite calling you out like this. There's nothing worse than a bad case of rusted root, and obviously it's too late to suggest a preventative self-maintenance program so I'll tell you this much: First off, the worst thing to do is assume you'll be getting your stink on with this lady on the first date. Doing so only makes a person do things that he wouldn't normally do, because he is assuming he's going to "get all up in that" later in the night. The second thing to do is put on some Old Spice. Ladies love that. Guaranteed deal sealer. Some call Old Spice relationship caulk. There's a joke to be made there, but I'll let you fill it in yourself. Bottom line: Old Spice (or Epice Vieux to play along with your fake french question).
Steve	I'm reading something between the Quebecoise lines of this question... V-I-R-G-I-N. Clear as day. You've never puckered the seams on the old curtains and you're looking to your buddies in the Setbacks to help you out. Not a problem. As you'd notice if you ever met us face to face we all wear wedding bands. In addition to representing sacred vows and the life long commitments we've made to our wives, essentially these rings are proof that we've all stitched the drapes at least once in our lives (in the case of Chris and Trevor I believe they've done it twice). What does all this mean to you? Not much probably - just that I'm qualified to answer your question. Ok, back to your dilemma... first off, good move arranging a date with a co-worker. Office romances rarely fail and when they do there's never any weirdness between the parties involved. Your best bet to getting this girl in the sack is to spring a flies eyes on her when she least expects it. The key to a successful "flies eyes" is the element of surprise. If successfully executed, she'll be sliding the drapes onto the curtain rod in no time!
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	I don't understand French, and was too lazy to babblefish this questions. I assume that it is related to your apparent lack of vagina, and as such, you are wondering, I think, whether The Setbacks have any advice or suggestions on how to nail the privates of your ladyfriend. Assuming that this is in fact what you're looking at getting advice on, I have some suggestions for you. 1. Braid your hair like Sean Paul. Women love this. You couple this with being a jerk, and you are guaranteed to get some zoom zoom in the boom boom. The whole mysterious rap/r&b guy thing is irresistible to women. To be honest with you, I don't have any evidence of this. This fact of mine is based on a drunken night two years ago, and let's just say I woke up in the back of a souped up Civic, with Sean Paul on the radio, my pants around my ankles, and condoms everywhere. I remember the dude talking like Sean Paul...and I was just like OMFG!....that patois is so I don't know...anyways...give it a try. 2. Learn to dance. Men who can dance, no matter what they look like, always score, and score hard. Have you ever seen the Men Without Hats video? You see the ass in that vid? Case closed. They can dance, and no doubt, they were dancing on some of that. Further evidence of this was provided to me by a recent trip to Tropix Dance Bar. All of these dudes with the Brett "The Hitman" Hart hairstyle were ripping it up, whipping their wet hair around, and macking pure ladies. 3. Use a british accent. SEAL uses one, and he has Heidi Klum. He also sounds like a thousand angels. That man has an angelic voice. I have no doubt that he's looking down sometimes when doing his wife, and starts belting out "Kiss From A Rose", knowing that it will only increase the desire of his beautiful lady. Anyone's a sucker for a good voice and british accent. Me included.

Trevor	Listen DAVID! You are from Estonia, you should be elbow deep in vaginas! You probably don't realize this, but in North America men from Estonia are considered very desirable by the ladies. Just look at any one of your fellow countrymen: Brad Pitt, Jude Law, Elvis Presley, even Mr. Bean. All of these men immigrated to North America from Estonia and after barely surviving for the first few years, they were soon discovered by talent agencies and soon were on the cover of magazines everywhere just because of their chiseled Estonian good looks. Don't worry, you'll be discovered soon.
Steve	First off David, let me be the first to welcome you to Ottawa. The Ottawa region was long home to First Nations peoples who were part of the Algonquin. The first European settlement in the Ottawa region was that of Philemon Wright who started a community on the Quebec side of the river in 1800. Wright discovered that transporting timber by river from the Ottawa Valley to Montreal was possible and Ottawa was soon booming based almost entirely off timber. The city grew even further in importance when the Rideau Canal was constructed by Colonel John By to connect Ottawa with Kingston which was then the colonial capital of Canada. Ottawa was then known as Bytown, but was incorporated as Ottawa in 1855. What does all of this have to do with getting laid? Nothing really, but I thoroughly enjoy writing short summaries about Canadian cities. Aces!
Paul	Here is what I think is the coolest thing in Ottawa. The underground Mod movement. This is where I think you should try and align yourself. I'm not really sure on how the "membership" is but I'm sure if you just go to a couple of the partys that it will be cool. Mod is definitely an underrated cool. Get yourself a tight fitting suit, thin tie, and shaggy haircut and you will blend right in. If you do it right, you'll have the bitches begging for a ride on your Vespa.
Chris	This is a serious question, and as such, deserves a serious answer. David. You have a classic case of low self esteem. You are willing to whore your body out in a subconscious mission to find someone who will love you unconditionally and unabashedly. David from Estonia...you need to get reconnected with the the one woman who may not sleep with you, but who'll give you that love that you so desperately want and desire. No strings situation? She can give it to you, but there's one condition, and that is that you have to love and obey the big guy, J.C., and I'm not talking the N'Sync guy. The woman's name is The Virgin Mary, and all you have to do it close your eyes, chill out, and say her name 5 times while you stand in front of a mirror. Oh wait...I think that is Candyman. You might not want to do that.

Trevor	Listen BARLOW! Everyone must realize the maximum hilarity of farts. But what few people know is that they are a necessary part of human life, even a vital part. I knew a guy once who couldn't fart. Twice a week he had to go to the hospital to have his colon relieved. He had a valve installed on the small of his back into which the doctor would insert a tube and release the ultra concentrated gas. If he didn't go, his stomach would start to expand and eventually the gas would escape into his lungs. You want to talk bad breath you talk to this guy. So don't be so selfish, be thankful that you can let 'em rip.
Steve	I sympathize with your predicament, Carlos. I too know what it's like to live a life of embarassment caused by ill-timed (and grossly excessive) flatulence. Why, just the other day I was caught in an awkward situation when I let loose an atomic Bronx cheer in public. It didn't smell, but the noise was deafening. Needless to say the guy delivering the eulogy was very unimpressed. I've also regularly brought Setbacks practices to a grinding halt in mid-song with my hot Sulphur expulsions. We rehearse in a closed space with a few fans (the air circulating kind, not the human worshipping kind) so it doesn't take long for any "bad" air to quickly fill the room. It's created a lot of tension between the guys and myself and I hope that my new charcoal underpants will help to remedy the situation. But I digress. My advice to you Carlos is this: if anybody makes fun of you, fart in their face. I like to call this deadly manoeuvre a "Dutch punch".
Paul	Hey dude. Simple answer: Cut out the dairy. Dairy products are the leading catalyst in gas production. I'm not sure on the exact chemical reations but it has something to do with the calcium and your stomach acid combining. The other option is to wear 5 pairs of thick underwear when fighting. This will muffle all rectal trumpet solos.
Chris	You should wear pants with just the bumhole cut out of them. There is no preserving anything, so just apply reverse psychology on everyone. Play it up, as a matter of fact, celebrate your flatulence. Make it a personal party that everyone is invivted to. In the end, what is it? Natural. That's what it is. Gas that we produce. At least that's what everyone says who breaks wind by accident and then tries to justify it. The crappy part about all of this, is that people are a lot less likely to dismiss something like farting when you're doing cool shit like martial arts or being a ninja. They're not supposed to fart, so going back to my original suggestion, you need to flip it on everyone. I don't know...what the hell kind of problem is this anyways?

Trevor	Listen FEELS! I know your pain. I too have been fooled by the internet. After watching the Pimp My Ride marathon on Much Music a few weeks back, I was inspired to make my car a bit more awesome. I figured nothing too crazy. I mean I still wanted it street legal, so decided against the windshield that is actually made of a flat screen television so I could play xbox while driving without ever having to see the street. Anyway, I decided to pick up something subtle that would make the ladies look twice when I cruise into the Loeb parking lot. My thinking was some new rims. But I wanted it done professionally, so I hit up the internet for local dealers and installers. A quick google search for (here it comes) rim jobs left me quite surprised by what I found. Needless to say, my tires are still factory stock, but my anus has never been cleaner. (Was that inappropriate?)
Steve	Chester, I feel horrible. We, the Setbacks, have deceived you in a most dishonourable fashion and I just haven't been able to get a decent night's sleep since you wrote us. That's why what I'm about to do is so difficult - so please bear with me. From this point forward, the Setbacks will be known as "Wholesale G Strings Direct from Manufacturer". Our current domain (thesetbacks.com) will be released to the general public so that an honest T-back selling businessman can set up a proper shop in cyberspace. The band's site will now be located at www.wholesalegstringsdirectfrommanufacturer.com. I hope this avoids any further misunderstandings surrounding our band name on the internet.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Hi Chester, I was reading your question, which in itself is actually not a question, but in fact a demand....anyways...I'm not that interested in what you're going on about, but am interested in your strip club. You see, I recently went to a bachelor party at what was supposed to be a reputable gentleman's club, and was horrified by what I saw. I saw Trevor Kealey, on stage, getting his salad tossed. Are strip clubs co-ed now, and if they are, when did that happen? Also, is getting your salad tossed legal in strip clubs now? If it is, wow.

Trevor	Listen JESSICA! Has it come to this? You've failed at meeting a dude in the real world so you've turned to the internet. Then you finally get a bite there, and are so desparate that you'll settle for quite possibly the creepiest guy on the internet (and that's saying something). There's obviously something fundamentally undateable about you. What type of deformity do you have? Most deformities can now be dealt with through plastic surgery or clever scarf wearing. I suggest signing up for a reality show like The Swan or Who Wants To Be Superficially Beautiful or whatever. Just tell them this sad sob story of yours and you'll be a guaranteed winner.
Steve	You should be concerned. I thought he'd given this up now that he's engaged, but I guess not. I need to warn you - this guy you've been corresponding with is our drummer Chris. He has a twisted obsession with surfing around sites like Lavalife and PerfectMatch and setting up face to face meetings with innocent girls he has no intention of having any relations with. When the girls show up at the planned meeting spot, Chris pops out of a bush wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and a pepperoni tied to his johnson. The trenchcoat quickly comes off and he starts screaming "I'm the king of Italy! I'm the king of Italy!", at which point the girls usually freak out and run off in the other direction. He's a twisted man and needs serious help. Stay away.
Paul	Since this advice column is a very personal place I've decided to tell a story that no one knows about me. Hopefully others will be able to learn from it. Back in my bachelor days I had been single for a while and couldn't seem to meet anyone. I had heard about Lavalife through my friends and decided to join up. Setting up the account, searching for hot ladies in my town, and sending them messages was all a whirlwind of fun. Long story short, I can officially say that this was the most depressing time in my life. Not only was I being shut down by the girls that I was meeting around town, I was getting turned down by the millions of ladies on Lavalife. I don't know where I went wrong. I posted a picture and wrote a couple things about myself. I even made some funny plays on words about where and what the girls would see on our dates. I'm not sure if there is any actual advice in this answer so my advice is for you to bring your pepper spray.
Chris	I will admit that I haven't even thought about The Setbacks advice page in about 3 months. I've been consumed with going over everything related to my own wedding, and the weddings and parties of my friends. Since I've returned, I'm not surprised to see that the ambush of my ethnicity is still, as Chuck D from Public Enemy would say, in full effect. Jessica, You need to ask yourself a few questions. Are you looking for a serious relationship? If you are, then it's likely that a man with a hotmail address like that may in fact be ramming ladies 24/7. If you are looking for as much hot sex as possible, then you might have found your match, although I question the sexual fortitude of any man who feels it neccessary to exclaim his prowess like that. It's like that time that Paul Townsend did speed dating and started his conversations with, " You'll see my sac, in the sac....You game?". Ask him. He's so used to having drinks spilled on his head, that he thought he was living in a waterpark for a while.

Trevor	Listen MCQUADE! I am circumcised. When I found out that this had been done to me, I was not upset. I have no memory of when my banana was peeled. I feel no pain in that area. I have no trouble getting a rise. I am able to reproduce. These are the main concerns with circumcision, but obviously they are not really issues at all. So the real question is whether dicing his carrot is even necessary at all. With or without, dudes seem to get along just fine. So it really is just personal preference. By slicing his pepperoni, you are neither benefitting him, nor hindering him. In the words of the Digital Underground: Doowutchyalike.
Steve	Look McQuade, I hope you're anti-circumcision cause a man's johnson is most sacred and should be treated as such. Carving it all up and tossing the nib in the garbage would be an insult to your son and every other man who holds his genitals close to his heart (figuratively, of course). I have a friend who was recently shocked to discover (through a series of sketches and an examination by his wife) that he is in fact, circumcised. Imagine this guy's reaction to finding out that he's literally half the man he used to be. Now... imagine if that was your son. God, that would be awful.
Paul	It is surely a sensitive area. When I got circumcised, I couldn't walk for almost a year.
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen KINCAID! I think you are going to have to learn to live without your sac-a-doodles from now on. Magic is obviously not your forte. However, revenge is what you should be seeking. But you should not get into a magic battle with him, since that is clearly where he has the upper hand. You need to draw him into your arena, get a little home field advantage. I suggest making him play goalie in road hockey. Then when he's not looking, switch the tennis ball up with a cue ball from a pool table. Fire one at his bits and pieces and enjoy sweet revenge. Keep in mind this will mean the end of the line for the Kincaid family.
Steve	Dude, you better be heading for platform 9 ¾ and quick. Enroll in Hogwarts immediately. Make sure you sign up for Professor Snape's potions, spells and genitals course. This will give you the required knowledge to reverse the spell and restore your little gentlemen to their original home between your legs. If you're lucky you'll run into Harry Potter and be able to give us a sneak peek into the wacky adventures J.K. Rowling has in store in future volumes of the series.
Paul	Dude, you need to get your boys back. This is a perfect opportunity for some brotherly bonding. I think you should offer to show him sports and get him girls in return for your dingleberries. This could be great. Take him to a baseball game with a couple fine ladies and you will have your balls back in no time. You can maybe even ask him to make your weiner bigger.
Chris	EW and Ew. Consult a doctor, or a wizard, and get the boys back.