The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen T, my mouth flaps the quickest because I give the longest answers. That is all.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen CHRIS! Do whatever you want with him, I really don't have any strong feelings either way. My only concern is that this switcheroo should not affect my gigantic royalty payments. I have become accustomed to a certain level of lifestyle, and could never go back to being poor again. As a matter of fact, it is these very riches that have lead me to have no personal connection with our lead singer Stu, or Sam, or Slick, or whatever his name is. I have bought happiness thanks to the lucrative business of being in a rock band.
Steve	Sounds like my fate is sealed. All I ask is that you adhere to the basic kidnapper's code of ethics (no back door shenanigans) and that you do your best to fill the gaping void that would be left in the band. Here's a quick list of things you need to keep in mind: 1. When Trevor says he's got something to show you and puts his hand over his groin, don't look! He'll just swing his hand open like a small door, revealing his dangling Johnson. We have yet to understand why he does this but the best way to make him stop is to ignore him. Try playing the opening riff to Tom Sawyer... Trevor is powerless against that song and won't be able to help himself from joining in and trying to play that lead part with the weird timing. 2. In an attempt to find a cure for smoking, Chris castrated himself and is now a eunuch. Making jokes around him about twigs, berries, or hot dogs is not recommended as it could cause him to regress into a deep depression. When Chris falls into this funk it is even more difficult than normal to get a hold of him. You've been warned. 3. Chet is a pathological liar. For example, he claims that he's never seen Titanic (bullshit) and that we never watched Powder together over a couple of Snapple drinks. Take everything he says with a grain of salt, especially if it's related to packing up gear. Just ask Chris... Chet claims that we have to pack up our instruments and amps for every show we play. How is that even possible? It isn't, that's how. Just remember these tidbits of advice and watch your back. You'll do fine.
Paul	I think that this is a pretty easy one. As one of the great classic movies of our time, Face/Off, has shown us, it is pretty obvious what you must do. Sure half of the bonus of becomeing Steve is that you will be able to play with the Setbacks and be allowed to hang out with Trev, Chris and I. That in itself is very rewarding. The other side of the coin that you seem to be not thinking about is the fact that by taking his place in life you also aquire a wife. Depending on how anatomically correct your transformation is, Steve's wife might even ignore the fact that her "husband" is now Polish. Good luck and welcome to the band.
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen CAPITAL! If I could change one thing about myself, I would choose to become less humble. I'm so fucking humble, baby lambs look like showoffs around me (note: lambs are known in the wild kingdom as being the humblest animal). I make Eeyore seem like the king of the braggarts. If compliments were snow, and I was a snowman, you could pack snow onto me all day long, and I would not get any bigger. I'm so humble, when I say I'm sitting around the house, I'm sitting around the house. I'm so humble, you could stick a piece of coal up my ass, and in two weeks you'd have a diamond. So humble.
Steve	Fantastic question. I think about this a lot, so your question offers a great opportunity for me to share my feelings. Here's what I would change about each member of the Setbacks: Trevor - he's a nice guy and a pretty good guitarist, but he's completely unable to predict the future. That's always disappointed me. Paul (Chet) - rock solid on bass and always hauls our band gear around, but one thing he CAN'T do... is breathe underwater. Chris - likes to post to his blog and works hard at his job, but only has 2 kidneys. I really think he should have another. Gremlins? Never saw it. I did, however, have the 7" READ LISTEN LEARN record.
Paul	I wish I was quicker on writing these damn advice questions.
Chris	Lee, Can I be honest? If I were to change one thing about myself, I would immediately vote to reverse my circumcision. I hate it. I've been wrestling with this dilemma as my wife and I anticipate the birth of our son, and I don't want to leave him stricken with the same issue. This has been a long standing insecurity of mine. I have this reoccuring dream about being an adult as the doctor is performing the procedure on me. Let me set the stage: Hot. Lights. Surgeons. Masks. Gurney. I am a man. Adult, but am an infant. The doctor moves in with the scalpel. Every shred of my being erupts with resistance, as I stare the scalpel cold, and shoot the doctor darts from eyes, almost as if to say, don't dare, don't approach. The doctor approaches, laughing. I channel my inner spirit, the true authentic me, and rise above the medical gear. I kick the doctor in the face. I let out a Michael Jackson scream, like when he blows out windows while standing on top of cars during his dance routines. The surgery room explodes. I fly away. Fin. Mogwai are gremlins before you feed them after midnight.

Trevor	Listen PILKINGTON! Super powers are awesome! This is a great, and very important question. It is something that everyone should think about. While invisibility would definitely be awesome, it raises some questions: like what becomes invisible? Just you? Do your clothes become invisible? If so, does that mean anything you touch becomes invisible? If not, do you have to get naked every time you decide to become invisible? These are important things to consider. I think I might be tempted to choose super speed as a super power. Much like Steve, I do not foresee using my superpower primarily as a life saver, I see it being more handy in everyday life. I would become really useful in sports of all kinds. Plus think of the face melting guitar solos! I cringe just thinking of the possibilities. Of course, super speed does have it’s pitfalls. The law of Conservation of Energy really throws a stick in the spokes. In order to say, run from my house to the store 3 blocks away in 10 seconds, I will be burning all sorts of energy. I’d need to stock up big time on calories before using my power. Now, these are just preliminary calculations (I haven’t really run the numbers completely, and have added a factor of safety to ensure I eat enough), but to run 10km in 1 minute (that’s an average speed of 600km/h – SUPER SPEED!) I would need to eat 7.75 horses. I don’t know if I have the stomach to eat 7.75 horses just to get to Paul’s house really fast. So maybe I’ll just choose the ability to change my shape into anything or anybody.
Steve	Ahhhh... the age old debate of which superpower to choose. To me, it's always a toss-up between the two greatest powers that a superhero could possibly have - invisibility and flight - because all others simply pale in comparison. But if I had to choose just one, I think I'd probably go with the ability to fly with invisibility as a very close runner-up. No matter which power I chose I can tell you one thing for certain and that's that I wouldn't use it to do good or fight crime. Screw that. What would I use it for? Good question. Here's a few scenarios where the ability to fly would come in useful: 1. Playing ball hockey 2. Running away from people 3. Chasing people 4. Postering for shows 5. Playing german ball As with everything in life, there would be cons to having the ability to fly. Like, if people saw me flying around they'd expect me to use my superpowers to help them out of sticky situations. Now, on top of the fact that it would be annoying to have people bugging me there's not a lot you can do if your only superpower is flight. It's not like people are going to ask you to fly over to the store and grab a quart of milk. If they ask for help it's because they need a truck lifted off them or there's a bank robbery in progress. If you don't have x-ray vision and super strength (at a bare minimum) you're sort of a useless superhero.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Man that is an awesome way to use invisibility. I'd choose the superpower of flight. I've always liked flying, and often dream of soaring the skies, gracefully. One of my favorite movies as a child was "The Boy Who Could Fly". Man.

Trevor	Listen TRIPOLI! You may be tempted to call 911, but don't bother. Here's something Public Enemy wrote in 1990 that applies to your situation. (Lyrics reprinted without permission - Chuck D/Flava don't hate me!) I call a cab 'cause a cab will come quicker The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker The reason that I say that 'cause they flick you off like fleas They be laughin' at ya while you're crawlin' on your knees And to the strength so go the length Thinkin' you are first when you really are tenth You better wake up and smell the real flavor Cause 911 is a fake life saver So get up, get, get get down 911 is a joke in yo town Get up, get, get, get down Late 911 wears the late crown. So true, so true. Basically I'd sell the house if I were you and start fresh elsewhere.
Steve	Hi Zane, Thanks for your running narrative on how to burn down your house. That was very entertaining. To answer your question, the best way to put out a grease fire is to keep calm and wait it out. Fires can smell fear, so your best bet is to just play dead until the fire gets bored and moves on. This simple trick has saved me countless times.
Paul	So you have decided to dance with the delicious art of cooking with grease. You really have opened yourself up to some really great options on food. You can take virtually any type of food and make it instantly mouth-wateringly delicious. Bacon, zuccini, chicken, potatoes and green peppers. I call it my Pig-ken pepper-toes zuc stick. Awesome.
Chris	Zane, Quite the little predicament that you've gotten yourself into here, my friend. Perhaps get some marshmallows and watch the magic, or maybe call your insurance company and get ready for the claim of claims. I'm convinced you'll suffer a catastrophic loss, because you are on the internet asking for a rock band's advice about a grease fire, that you're having a dilly of a pickle time handling. I'm sorry, but that is the truth. As for my advice...maybe...get out of the house. You're fucked.

Trevor	Listen CHIVES! You need to think long and hard before you even consider time travel. There are very serious repercussions involved. And I don’t mean the tired old Back to the Future situation where you accidentally sleep with your great grandmother, thereby becoming your own great grandfather, I mean more logistical consequences. For example, let’s say you put together a time machine in your basement and set the dial for the year 1700. You step in and go, but when you arrive in the year 1700, you are actually fused with the earth! Why? Because your basement did not exist then! It has been mathematically proven that the geographical point of departure is equal to the geographical point of arrival, regardless of time. So how do you get around this? It’s hard. You need to be able to know that where you arrive will be a free and clear space on the same ground that has existed for a long time. This is just one of the things you need to consider. I suggest you come to one of my time travel classes. Arturo Brisindi and I are teaching masters courses down at the Ottawa Community Night College – Chinatown Campus.
Steve	"Marty - you're not thinking fourth dimensionally!" - Doc Brown I just thought I'd preface this answer with one of my personal time travel mantras. Sure Clark, we'd all like to travel through time. I'm not sure why you're so keen on the 1700s, but whatever. I think it's important for you to understand the full realm of possibilites that await you as a time traveler. I'm glad that somebody has finally brought this fascinating subject to our advice column. Think about time belts. Just think about that for a second. Imagine - a fashionable belt that would allow you to speed up or slow down time around you (to the point where it started to go backwards). As the owner of the time belt, you would be impervious to the effects of time. But this concept raises some interesting questions. For instance, would the belt also protect your clothes from the effects of time travel? Or would they move through time independent of your body? What if you accidentally went back to a time before you owned the belt? Would it become caught in some terrestrial wormhole, leaving you permanently stuck in time? These are not easy questions to answer, and should not be taken lightly when considering the ramifications of time travel or the purchasing of belts (of the time variety or otherwise).
Paul	The thing that I would miss the most would be the internal combustion engine. First of all, getting to shows would take a much longer time having to use a horse and buggy. I'm sure that Chris would somehow still come up with an excuse that he has to pick someone up at the airport to get out of helping out. We would tell him that flight hadn't been invented yet but he would probably just yell at us calling us "cakes" who wouldn't understand. But you know what, I probably would understand. Peace out.
Chris	Yes Clark, I often do think about what it would be like to live in the 1700's. This happened to me right after I saw that Mel Gibson movie, "The Patriot". I enjoyed it so much, that I bought a horse, and started wearing Napoleon clothes. When people laughed at me, I called them "peasants", and whipped them. Eventually however, what I called my "1700's 'tude" fell on being obnoxious as some of my friends claimed. Particularly my band mates. Apparently, some people in this band don't like being referred to as peasants, and furthermore, don't like it when I smack them in the face with my gloves, challenge them to duels with revolvers, and insist on wearing my gentlemen's attire when we play shows.

Trevor	Listen SPRINKLES! We had a similar situation at the corporate offices of the setbacks. For the longest time, we were all treating Chris in a similar manner: making him get coffee, teasing him, slashing his tires, etc. All the usual office bitch type stuff. Anyway, it all came to a head one day last spring. I was in Chet's office reviewing some of the profit projections for the summer, when Steve came running in. He locked the door behind him and breathlessly explained his situation. It turns out he had flushed Chris' keys down the toilet because of a botched contract Chris had put together for a new drum stick supplier (we took a killing on that). Chris flipped out because it was his Dad's van and he would need those keys to get home. Steve kicked him and he fell unconscious on the bathroom floor. Steve panicked and tried to stuff him in the janitor’s closet. I guess Chris woke up at this time, and struck out at Steve with a mop and bucket. Steve squirted him in the eye with some PineSol and locked him in the closet. It was an ugly incident that required the Setbacks to go through a lot of psycho therapy. It turns out people, no matter how useless, need some respect. We learned to be a band that helps each other out, not put each other down. Your office could use a serious dose of this.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen TRODVOR! You are just the man I was hoping to talk to, read the advice below. I want to start a band with you and Jack Fontana. It will be awesome! But getting to your idea of set-backs bacon: that's weak. A top notch restaurant like Denny's wouldn't go for it. I tried to come up with some better ideas for you to combine The Setbacks and menu items in clever ways, but the best I came up with is The Setbacks Steak: a 19oz. rump cut steak with no sides. This is actually weaker than your suggestion. So kudos on beating me at your own game!
Steve	Our good buddy Trodvor! On the surface this is a fantastic idea, but to put our name on a delicious breakfast from Denny's would put into question our integrity as a band. In short, we'd be selling out. As I'm sure you're all acutely aware, the Setbacks have always been about "keeping it real" and "sticking it to the establishment". It's not easy though, let me tell you that. This has been a real personal challenge for Chris, who has received many endorsement offers over the years from names like Reebok, Nike and Italian Rock Drummer magazine. The magazine had just done a "Where are they now?" cover story on Calzone, the all-boy acapella group Chris sang with in the early 90s. To promote the new issue, they wanted Chris to take part in an impromptu Calzone reunion in Times Square that would be broadcast live to 204 countries via satellite. In exchange for the appearance, Chris would be paid $1.2 million dollars (enough for the Setbacks to quit their day jobs, finance a record and go on a world tour... or enough for Chris to support his twins for 5 months). In the end, we determined collectively as a band that this would conflict with our ideals and would most likely compromise our street cred, so we passed on it.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Trodvor, Between you and Jack Fontana, I'm not sure who I am amused by more. Your idea is stupendous, but the truth is that I am less interested in answering your question, versus addressing the reunion of Calzone, the band I used to be part of back in the day. I was on the cover of the Ottawa Xpress with Calzone, and the artistic credibility I built up with this acapella supergroup was unherladed in the Canadian music industry for a long time. My decision not to join the reunion was simply based on not wanting to taint the magic of Calzone, what was, and in my humble opinion, what will probably never be again. I stand in line with Robert Zemeckis, who refused to do another Back To The Future, or George Lucas, who has plainly stated that another Star Wars would simply compromise the integrity of the franchise. I feel the same way about Calzone. Calzone will always share a special place in my heart, and my mind. I am being true to myself in not selling out, regardless of the millions, and that helps me sleep at night.

Trevor	Listen FONTANA! I had no idea that Forest Rape was you! I love the album, I find it to be a revolutionary metal album, one that will likely change the face of popular music. I actually bought it for everyone I know for Christmas because I felt it wasn't getting enough exposure here in North America. I must say I am taken aback by the fact that this album is indeed a Jack Fontana project. I especially love the song Walking in the Woods, but I find the lyrics of Rheinhold's Staff to be most deep: Deep in the mountains of Scandanavia Where souls fear to tread, unless they are bravia We came across a staff made of awesome gold It belonged to the ancient knight Rheinhold. chorus: I've got Rheinhold's staff This incredible item of power and incrediblenous I've got Rheinhold's staff In my hand In my soul In my mind Just a sample of Forest Rape. I urge everyone to pick it up today. And Jack, I hope that someday we can put our differences aside. Maybe you and I and Trodvor 2000 can start a band. It would be called Ultra.
Steve	Easy Fontana. As I mentioned in my answer to the last advice question, the Setbacks are a band united in the desire to destroy all monarchies - whether they be fast food related, Narnian, or anything in between. Our collective disdain for royalty knows no bounds. I feel that I should also point out that the White Witch isn't even the keeper of the throne, the heir to the throne or in any way related to the throne of Narnia... so I guess my beef is with that kid Peter. Oh, and don't mock the Setbacks for long. I've recently introduced the power of intention to our band. During our weekly band scrapbooking sessions I've empowered the band use this ability to bring us fame and fortune. If all of us intend for the band to be successful, then it will happen - whether we feel it is out of our control or not. It's just a matter of time Fontana, just a matter of time.
Paul	While shopping at the Brick the other day for a place to store my clothes I came upon a large antique wardrobe. Still being excited from the previous nights viewing of the Chroicals of Narnia, I entered the wardrobe hoping to enter the glorious world of Narnia. Sadly I was only greated with a face full of wood panel. Dazed from the impact I stumbled back, tripped over the matching end table, and ended up knocking myself unconcious. When I awoke I was still in quite the daze when I noticed that I was being aided by a magical creature. He was hairy and had hoofed feet. I had entered a new world!! Once I gained my bearings I realized that the new world was only the bedding department and the majical beast was just a hippy with socks and sandals. Upon complaining about this wardrobe malfunction to the service department I met this "white witch" that you speak of. That high-on-power bitch could only give me a coupon for 12% off ottomans. Not eve a singe piece of turkish delight.
Chris	Fontana, I've really had enough of you. I hate the fact that we have a regular reader and heckler like you. If you were a normal guy, I wouldn't be so angered, but you are indeed a version of Andy from the 40 year old virgin that is an asshole, who likes metal. I have no humour in me as a result of your ridiculous question.

Trevor	Listen XENONASIS! Fast food is not cool. These days, people are way more into cooking their own food. But only in situations where famous cooks berate them while they do it. Or maybe in a restaurant while trying to defeat other cooks with their culinary tricks. That's what people are into these days. Despite that fact, you obviously have some sort of attachment to BK. While that is honourable, I would suggest not killing people because they've insulted your personal tastes on a public website. Anne Landers suggests that the minimum requirement for killing people is after a public humiliation. Trying to kill everyone who insults you on the internet is like to following celebrity divorces. It's a thankless, unending task filled with unneeded bloodshed.
Steve	Look man. The Setbacks are a band united by the desire to remove an undemocratic and unjust head of state - Burger King. We hope that one day, Canada may become a free and democratic society like its American neighbours. Despite claims by the burger royalists, the Burger King family wields a remarkable amount of political power. In desperate attempts to hold on to their privileges they abuse the court system to silence dissent and issue injunctions against those who would seek to publish their embarrassing secrets (such as, for example, that the Burger King isn't actually a king at all). We are witnessing the last few years of the Burger Monarchy. As a band, the Setbacks are relishing in the slow decay of this unfit ruler's dying legacy. Vive la Quiznos!
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Due to the fact that the last time I ridiculed a man for defending a fast food giant, I was required to seek out a restraining order, I am hesitant to give my opinion on this, hottest of topics. My father is still not talking to me, but I am assuming, he is enjoying many Triple Bacon Classics from Wendy's. The day that he believes that Wendy, although modelled after Dave Thomas' (R.I.P.) daughter, is in fact an idol, an effigy if you will, of the corproate fast food giant culture, that could be the day that we reunite like father and son, as if I stepped off of the space shuttle, after many long months in space collecting samples to save the earth from environmental decay, from a comet that I landed on, and he was waiting for me on the tarmac, like a great Dad, with a blanket, uttering the words..."I love you, Son. Thank you for saving the Earth". Anyways, my space story is neither here nor there, but what I believe is your blatant disregard for nutritioin is very much present. Do you realize that 50 million Americans are obese, and apparently 35,600 Canadians share this health issue. Stop arguing the finer points of fast food cuisine, and realize that that stuff kills you. Enough with the tomfoolery, and get serious about the one friend of yours, that has been with you for your entire life, yet you often forget is around. This friend is so precious that no matter how rich you may be, or how downtrodden you may find yourself, he is still around. That friend sir, is your heart. I don't mean your figurative one, related to emotions, I mean your literal heart organ, pumping the liquid of life (blood) through your veins, and enabling you to live. Bottom Line: Have a salad and get reacquainted with Tom Tickerson. That is my pet name for my heart.