The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Listen TCHOBANIAN! You are taking a very selfish approach to your situation. Can't you see this third breast is hard on her too? She is likely still single because she has yet to find someone who can get past the Tripeaks to see the real her. You have clearly done so, but are concerned with comments you might get? Not to mention the fact that you are on the cusp of a fantasy many people have had since seeing Total Recall. You need to get in there and just go nuts with the motor boats and such. By the way, I definitely did not see you two at the show. Too bad.
Steve	I think your breast bet is to just be honest with her. If you really think you could marry this woman, try to look past the ample bosom and think about all the wonderful mammaries the two of you will share during your life long journey together. If you jugs focus on the positive side of things, I think you'll realize that tits not that big a deal. If your friends are actually the sweater cows they honker they are, than I brassiere you'll have nothing but good boobs to rack about.
Paul	Your friends are just jealous. You have hit the motherload. If she can bake cookies, you have found the perfect woman. She is literally a woman and a half. Take this one nice and slow. You do not want to blow this opportunity. When a dude says that "more than a handfull goes to waste" it probably means his girlfriend has no boobs. Trust me. Boobs are never a waste. No inhibitions.
Chris	To be honest with you Tchobanian, this is a problem that I think YOU only seem to think YOU have. This is in reality, a miracle. You are the luckiest guy alive. I hav a friend, Flex...he has a girlfriend who actually used to be a man. He says when they have sex, it feels normal, because the doctors surgeried "her" up in an incredible way, but he has to swallow the small amount of vomit he coughs up everytime he buries it in the fake cave. Apparently he deals with this because he's convinced he'll be single forever...anyways...my point is...he has a problem. You don't. Don't be so shallow. If she's nice in the face, then it all falls into place, and if she's got an extra squeezepak, then you have more to juggle. Man, I'm having a hard time finding the problem here. Speedbag her boobs, and I think you'll realize it ain't that bad.

Trevor	Listen SPITZ, our advice here has been subtle, but sound. You'll notice none of us has replied to your request for almost 2 solid months. It's little things like this that you need to do when you are bearing the cross of a minor grudge. Don't take all this personally, we don't have any real grudge against you but we felt this would be the best way to get our message across: when it comes to a grudge, it's the small things that count.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen CRENSHAW! This is an important question, and one that not a lot of people would have the stones to ask. Particularly not a lady. At least you can be sure you've come to the right group of guys. After sharing accomodations with the other three guys, I can tell you there are times I thought Steve only had brown underwear. Turns out he has none! First thing's first. Toss all skivies that have a chocolate swipe, start clean. In the future, inspect each pair for Hershey Squirts before you toss them in the hamper. If you see signs of a shart, RUB IT IN YOUR FACE! This is the only way you'll learn, you filthy filthy girl. Good luck!
Steve	Whenever *I* hear Rob Thomas I think of tonnes of gay midgets slapping eachother's balls while they step on kittens heads and rub old cheese on their nipples. Now I'll just think of your shit-tagged unmentionables instead! That's a major improvement. Man, blue skies are rolling in and the forecast for my life just got a lot sunnier. Thanks!
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Holy Fuck! That is the grossest thing I have ever heard, ever! Put them in the wash you dirty bitch! EW.

Trevor	Awaiting wisdom...
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Avionics are such a joke. Did the Wright brothers have "avionics"? I don't think so. Seems to me that most of the recent plane crashes are due to faulty avionics. Now I'm not an aerospace engineer but I really think these planes are filled with overkill like avionics. To make a good plane you need a strong structure (important), some good engines (important), some wings with turning parts to help steering (important), landing gear (important), maybe throw in a radar and a CB radio and you are set. The rest just seems very frivolous. So my advice is to flush the damn snake. GD avionics be damned!
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	Listen SUTTER! You are a human, perched upon the top of the food chain. Take a look around, you'll see no other animal up there with you. Now look down, way down. Past the lions and crocodiles, way past the hippos and rhinos. Keep looking down, past the aardvarks and lemurs, even past the eagles and goats. Look way down there and you'll see the raccoon. You'll notice there is no other animals below the raccoon. Just apples, grass, and wonder bread. What this means is that you can do whatever you want to this raccoon and there will be no repercussions. Sure, some tree hugging, panty waste, do-gooder may get angry. But this night stalking coward of an animal stole your wonder bread. No one comes between a man and his wonder bread. Now go get some vengeance, prove to the rest of the animal kingdom that humans deserve the title of King of the Forest!
Steve	In my life experience, there is no better way to deal with blinding rage than in a quick and rash manner. Sitting around and thinking about what to do will only dilute your anger so you must act immediately if you really want to savour the sweet taste of that dish best served cold. That's right, I'm referring to revenge. Enough chit chat. Let's get down to brass tacks. Literally. Litter the campsite with them next time (except the part where you drive your car in - but don't tell the raccoons that). Nothing is music to the ears like a woodland creature with 10 to 20 thumbtacks pressed deep into their fleshy little footpads.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

Trevor	I cannot go on pretending that nothing happened. However, this will not be the ending of the setbacks, merely a new beginning. One in which there are no secrets. This is my secret: In the year 1997, while I was in university, I enrolled in some scientific experiments in order to gain some extra cash. Basically, volunteers (such as me) were paid to be the subjects in trials to help in graduate student’s thesises and such. Most of the experiments were run of the mill sensory tests, basic medication side effect tests, and poke and prod exams. No problems, quick cash. Then a posting was made on the bulletin board that claimed to pay quadruple what the highest paying test would pay. I eagerly signed up, figuring I had already been through enough gross things and would be able to take whatever they threw my way. I was wrong. What it ended up being was an experiment known as the Mr. Man Project. You may have heard of this on numerous conspiracy theory websites and chat rooms. It was an experiment designed to test the theory that a man could carry a fetus until birth in his abdominal cavity. At term, it would be surgically removed via c-section. I signed up for the study, but something went wrong. Only 3 weeks after the injection of the fertilized egg into my abdomen, and subsequent attachment of the umbilical cord, I began to show. This was not expected for another 3 months. After some intense tests, it was found that the baby was growing at 3 or 4 times the average rate. After only a month and a half, a baby was pulled out of me. It looked like a toddler, not a baby. After the surgery, the man-baby was whisked away, and I never saw it again. I was barred from knowing the identity of the child or it’s biological parents. But after a few years, curiosity got the best of me. I hired some private detectives and managed to track down the human that I carried inside me. To my surprise, the little rugrat had grown to be a 9-year-old boy trapped in a 30-year-old body. I used this to my advantage, as I am roughly the same age as this miracle man. I befriended him, and invited him to join my band – as the drummer. If you have not guessed it yet, the fetus I carried was none other than Chris Saracino, drummer and immature man-boy of the setbacks. We have a special bond, and to deny that would be criminal. We need to embrace life now, because you do not have much time left. At your current rate of growth, you will be 90 years old in only 10 more years. It will be sad, like the movie Jack starring Robin Williams. I am only glad that you now know the truth, son.
Steve	I can't hold a candle to that.
Paul	Breathtaking.
Chris	Since I wrote this question, and I don't want to be a miff in the muff, I can't really answer it, as I'm seeking advice from my bandmates. Maybe this will elicit an explanation from Trevor. I hope so.

Trevor	Listen ANONYMOUS, picking artwork is a difficult thing to do. This is the image that will forever be associated with the musical children we have given birth to, something you definitely don’t want to take lightly. For our last EP, there was a lot of bad ideas that went around. For some reason, I was the ONLY one in the band who did not want to call it The Passion of the Setbacks and have some sort of mock movie poster as the photo. My vote against was because a pop culture reference like that would forever date our ep, making it irrelevant only 8 months later. Sort of like watching old episodes of the Daily Show. They aren’t as funny when out of context. This time around, my idea is to actually change our name to the Awesome Times Friendship Band. The artwork will be based on a carpet weave that hangs in our practice space to remind us of our love for each other and the music. It is of a Heart with a Rainbow coming out of it. Almost like the heart is flying, leaving a beautiful trail of colours behind it. When I look at it, my jaw slackens, my frown turns upside down, my face completely relaxes, my head tilts slightly to the left, and my feet leave the ground ever so slightly. It makes me feel. So far, it has been an uphill battle pushing this idea to the rest of the band, but I will stick with it.
Steve	A few sub-stellar ideas have been bandied about, but I think my favourite concept so far is to ditch the whole idea of album artwork all together. CDs are a thing of the past and I think it's high time that the Setbacks recognized this fact and made an album that redefined how people listen to music. What I'm proposing is this: special earmuffs with small speakers embedded inside that play our album on an infinite loop with no ability to stop or pause the music. That's right - an infinite loop. What other band would have the peanuts to do that? Not many. Well, maybe a couple... but that's not really important. We haven't discussed the concept beyond this point so I'm just winging it here but I think basically they'll draw their power from a mix of solar panels and positive human energy. That's probably the most cost effective way to do it. We haven't patended the idea yet, or assessed the cost per unit, but I'm pretty sure that it will be competitive with traditional CD manufacturing. If you'd like to beta test our prototype unit, please contact us privately.
Paul	I have this brilliant idea for our album cover. The front cover of the album will be pictures of each of the band members with just underwear on. Then on the back of the album there are little black t-shirts and jeans that you can cut out and put on the guys at the front. There could even be a little shirt for Chris that you could pop the collar on. Who wouldn't like a little cut-out action figure of your favourite band member?
Chris	I'm a firm believer in being as shocking as possible to promote music albums, or books, or any kind of creative outlet to the masses for consumption. It's a competitive and challenging market, and as a result, one needs to be that much more competitive and challenging in order to sell your product. That's why I am a firm believer in using genitals for promotion. Genitals are shocking and exciting. When you see genitals, you are usually prepared to show your own, and/or are enticed to flip out and be sexual. This is in the same realm as being generally excited about non sexual stuff, like records, books, or toys, and this human reaction should be analyzed. Bottom line: I was thinking of putting the band's logo/name on a small earing ball, a la Aeromsith's "Get A Grip" album, with the earing piercing through the cow's teet. This was cool. Anyways, my idea involves a similar thing, only it's a Prince Albert piercing through a man's weiner. The as of not yet decided name of our record would be on the testicles. I think this could work. Haven't run it by the bandmates as of yet, and maybe I should have discussed with them before telling all on the web site, but the truth is I think the idea is just that sound. I'm sure Trevor will have a sarcastic quip to make about it though....last time I had one of these gems, he claimed that the font size I was thinking of using on the man's testicles was,.... how did he put it,..... "irrational". It wasn't irrational.

Trevor	Listen BERT! This is a painfully awkward situation. When Steve and I expressed our love for Tricky Woo through the purchase of t-shirts, we did not know what we were getting ourselves into. And you following along and also getting one, despite the fact that you hate rock music, has only exacerbated the situation. Steve and I go through great pains to ensure we do not wear the same shirt at the same time. It is a difficult thing to do. Normally, I wait until I see Steve wearing the shirt, then I wear it two days later, hoping that he doesn’t have the onions to wear it again so soon. Sometimes, when I don’t see him wearing it for weeks, I have to just take a chance and wear it, hoping against hope that he doesn’t show up with it on. Besides, there are only 3 places that matching clothes are appropriate: -the sports field -the wedding -Tricky Woo shirt day (which by the way you missed, Steve and I were there waiting for you!).
Steve	Even though you've specifically asked me not to offer any advice on this matter, I can't help myself. I live to help those who need help to live. Seriously - I was kind of irked when you bought the same shirt as me and Trevor. I've been slowly chipping away at that stone for several years now through a series of seemingly coincidental events and occurrences carefully intended to create a deep and unspoken bond between the Trevor and I. I'm pretty sure that us "accidentally" buying the same Tricky Woo shirt would have sealed the deal - our lifetime friendship, that is. In fact, I'm quite upset that you had to ruin our Zen moment by buying that t-shirt too. It's been a steep climb for me to get where I am and I'm not about to let some asswipe ruin it because he wants to start a buddy club with some stupid uniforms. So step off man - Trev is mine.
Paul	B.T. you have opened up quite the can of worms. I've have actually been confronted on this issue a couple times by others. I think it is best if we just all wear are own shirt or we'd all be wearing Capcom t-shirts, or Garfielder shirts, or Local Rabbits t-shirts as suggested by others (who will remain nameless). If you are still keen on the greatness of conformity we can all go out and get tattoos of a tazmanian devil holding a hockey stick and canada flag. Awesome.
Chris	B.T. Your plan for displaying your ultimate friendship was flawed from the beginning. I too tried this with Steve and Trevor, a few years ago, with a series of white t-shirts that we bought at the same time. I wanted to come to be known as the "White Tees", a cool band of friends who stick together and hang together, and anyways...this is kind of neither here nor there, and not pertinent to your situation....forget I mentioned it. The point is this. You can't rely on friends to see your vision. I can see it, and by all means, if you want to have a t-shirt club with me, I can give you my msn or myspace page, and we can talk, but I implore you to think about it as a friendship club, not just some novelty joke for a party or an outing. I am thinking about displaying our solidarity, much like a motorcycle gang. I have a Hyundai Santa Fe, and we could ride in that, with sunglasses, and just cruise. Actually, I have a few ideas about what we could do with those Tricky Woo shirts, if you're interested. I'm sure I could get a few at Rock Junction, no? Anyways, we could ride around town, and blare Tricky Woo on the 6 speaker system in the truck, and we could have a mentality like the Jedi. You know, like Apprentices and masters, and we could start an academy, and train young ones. I have a tonne of ideas about this...seriously, hit me up. We could make a web site, too, and get special belts and stickers....these thoughts are just flowing into my head now. Email me at chris@thesetbacks.com.

Trevor	Listen MANN! That is a very serious problem. The good news is that it can be treated through medication. Now, I'm obviously not qualified enough to be prescribing drugs, but it turns out any jackass with a pulpit can dish out crackpot advice. So here goes: The only way to beat gullibility (outside of drugs) is training. You need to do it up right. Move to a cabin in a wintery place so that you can really focus on not being duped. Block out the whole world. Just like Rocky did before fighting Ivan Drago. Only in your case you'll be trying to get your dignity back instead of preparing for a fight against a guy who killed your buddy Apollo Creed. It seems like different situations, but really it's the same. I'm not really sure what specifically you can do at this north country cabin to beat gullibility, but I think you'll know once you get there. Let me know how it turns out. ps. this is not a trick.
Steve	I'd be lying through my teeth if I said this advice column is just a sham to give us a few laughs. Our reason for creating this forum was purely selfless - we love to help people almost as much as we love to destroy things with rock. In fact, this juxtaposition is the foundation of our band - helping and hurting - the ying and the yang, if you will. Being gullible is not a good thing. I am also the kind of person who is easily tricked. I think mostly because I never watched any movies while growing up. Since moving out of my parents' home last year (oh wait, that's Chris), I've discovered that movies have a lot to offer. You see, movies can teach you something you can't learn at school or on those internet sites where you download free essays and pay Russian kids to do your homework... and that, my friend, is "street smarts". What are street smarts? Let me explain using an exmaple that haunted me for years: when somebody says "Gimme 5" you DO NOT have to give them five dollars. I've learned several such life tips from movies, and I bet if you watch some you'll wisen up too. I recommend starting with the Police Academy series. There are quite a few life lessons in parts 5 and 6 in particular.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	This problem of yours is very real indeed. The only way to overcome this most terrible personal obstacle is by becoming a jaded, cynical, grouch of a bastard. Don't believe anything that anyone says. Even the stuff that is the truth. You encounter a cop stopping your for speeding or hitting pedestrians? Tell him he can give up the act. Your landlord tells you you're late on rent? Fuck you Mr. Doherty. Your father calls to tell you your mother died? Eat my ass Dad, I see through your bullshit attempt at bowling me over and making me look like a dickweed. This of course is offset by the fact that you could suffer a devastating blow personally if you dismiss something critical that is in fact true. Tread lightly. My own strategy of doing this made me miss out on getting a free Oreo from a homeless guy once, and I've been regretting maintaining the technique since that day.

Trevor	Listen ANONYMOUS! What you are going through is more common than you think. I know each one of us in the Setbacks have sold our souls. Not for anything you’d expect, like rock and roll success, or even talent. We, like you, all wasted our trades. I gave up the rights to my soul in exchange for a new vehicle in 1998. Unfortunately, I wasn’t quick enough to get specific, and before I could blink Satan was off with my soul and I was left holding the keys to a 1986 baby blue Chevrolet Celebrity. It ran well for another 4 years, but in the long run I don’t think it was worth eternal damnation. You, on the other hand, have a case against Lucifer. Any two-bit lawyer could tell you that the stipulated trade was never executed, and that you have retained the rights to your soul. But sadly (insert your own variation on the joke about all the best lawyers being in Hell).
Steve	Look man, if you're going to go head to head with the devil then you'd better be prepared. Lesson number one - don't try to beat him at his own game (i.e. being evil). Next to Tom Cruise, Satan is the most evil creature known to mankind. The odds of you defeating him in an evil fashion is highly unlikely. Your best bet is to hit him where he can't defend himself. I'm not talking about Beelzebub Jr. or little Lucifer here. What you need to do is crush him with niceness. How? Buy him a scone. Lend him your Dremel tools. Burn him a copy of that John Mayer album he's always asking you about. Stop at nothing to be his premier bud. Inevitably guilt will consume him and he'll buckle. The pure bonus is that you'll end up with a new friend. It's like I'm always telling Trevor's 2 year old infant daughter: the dark lord Satan is just a friend you haven't met yet!
Paul	Dilly bar?!? Are you sure? What were you thinking? Maybe a Blizzard, a Hurricane, or even a Flurry. Some type of chocolate mixed in ice cream combination that creates the perfect mix of dark and light. The dilly bar, although delicious, separates the chocolate and ice cream. I find this very racist. Did Rosa Parks refuse to sit at the back of the bus so that years later her ice cream and chocolate could be separte? I don't think so. I have applied this rational to my entire life. Beige everything. All my food, all my clothes, and all my thoughts. For example, if I listen to an AC/DC song from the Back in Black album I follow it up with a song from The Beatles White Album. Beige.
Chris	Wow. This is a "dilly" of a situation you've gotten yourself into here...hahaha. I've been waiting about 6 months to make a quip like that. Ahem...anyways.... Well you have a few things that you could argue here. I'm sure that you simply meant that you'd give your soul figuretively, not literally, for some dilly bars. Secondly, since you specifically stated that you'd in fact do that for "Dilly Bars", which are a trademarked DQ treat, the deal would stand if you were in fact provided what you stated you'd be willing to negotiate for, in this case, the holy energy that big J.C. upstairs gave you when you were born. Taking these stipulations into consideration, you have what they like to call on Law and Order, a "Raw Deal". You stated what you'd give up your soul for the creamy goodness of a particular brand. Since Lord Satan failed to deliver on that, and attempted to cheap you out, he has effectively nullified the said agreement. That is of course, assuming that there is a court of appeals in HADES. Listen, being a forsaken soul isn't all bad. I gave up my soul 4 years ago in a similar situation. I declared that I would give up my soul for a cure for syphillis. Sure enough, my problem cleared up, much to the amazement of my doctor. Was it worth it? Absolutely. I felt a bit chimped out when I put into perspective. There's also the midnight visits from demons and the sweats and visions of murder associated with having no holy spirit, but if you can live with that, then it ain't all that bad.