The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Dear FL: It is unfortunate that a double standard exists still in this day and age that a woman cannot go out and get down without being racked with guilt over being considered a slut. Even with all the advancements people like the Spice Girls, shows like Sex In The City, and even public figures like Judge Judy have made for women, there is still the double standard. But that is beside the point. My point of view: a girl is not a slut if she sleeps with me right away. But she is if she sleeps with Steve. And if this guy hasn't called, it's pretty obvious what he was after. Or he lost the number. I'm always losing things.
Steve	Thanks for the question, Falsely Labelled. It's comforting to know that our advice hasn't scared away all the women from this fine band's web site. When I read your letter and listen to how the events that unfolded that night, the word "slut" doesn't come to mind. I can understand that if you were really attracted to that guy you'd want to bag him, but at what cost? When you make a commitment to get intimate like that right after meeting a guy, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You're pretty much relying on this unspoken understanding that you'll remain in touch. Who knows if he has any intention of ever seeing you again? It's not like you can ask him...and even if you did, he'd just tell you a lie so he could get some action. ...so what's my point? Good question. I'll answer that next week.
Paul	That is down right wrong! I think the person that should be labelled is the guy that obviously isn't "man" enough to at least phone you to say that things won't work out. I had this whole joke thing worked out where I was going to write that we should meet for a candle light dinner because what guy doesn't like a girl that puts out on the first date? But that is very rude and is just pushing the stereotype even more. My real advice: Don't worry about it. Be yourself. Obviously things weren't ment to be (I'm sounding like an after school special). I beleive in Karma. If you are a good person. Good things will come to you. You will find the right guy
Chris	Hey-o, Listen. There is nothing wrong with having sex with someone on the first date. You can do whatever you want. There is nothing wrong with doing whatever it is that you think is appropriate. If you've gauged that sleeping with this person is the right thing to do...then go along with what your gut tells you to do. I've always tried to never criticize peoples decisions. That sucks the sausages. Even if you want to slut it up with a bunch of chicks in some gangbang video with Fred Durst and Snoop Dogg, then do it! That's the beauty of having genitals, and furthermore, being able to make your own decisions. Do whatver you want...that's what I say, and if the guy can't realize that he's got it good when a lady gives it up like that, then he's retarded. By the way...you can call/e-mail/telegraph me anytime you'd like to have a more personable conversation. chrisluigisaracino@hotmail.com BYE! c.diddy

Trevor	Set phasers to stunned, because that's what you are. I'm not usually one to judge acts of idiocy, however in this case I will make an exception. I'm going to have to recommend a full personality makeover - please contact me directly and I will arrange to have someone come to your house and beat the crap out of you.
Steve	Sean, I sympathize with your problem and I appreciate you taking time to leave your shuttlecraft to drop us a line. I just hope our words of wisdom don't reach you too late. I usually like to offer my own unique perspective, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to side with Chris and Trevor on this one. Didn't it occur to you that after being the only person in line for three weeks that maybe you shouldn't have used up all your paid vacation to do this? Have fun going to Greely for the weekend on your "summer vacation" next year, dork! steve
Paul	It is interesting that you brought this up. A similar type of conflict was encountered by Jean Luc Picard in episode ST-5401 "The Drumhead". It was in this episode that the Enterprise was docked on a Romulan base. Since the Enterprise sole purpose is not to interfere with other life forms but to study their behaviour JLP figured that is was fine to dock there. The Romulans would have nothing to do with it. The way that JLP dealt with this is the same way that I think you should deal with your problem. To quote one of the greatest commanders of the Starship Enterprise (second only to Captain James Kirk): "With the first link, the chain is forged. The first speech censored, the first thought forbidden, the first freedom denied, chains us all irrevocably." -- Captain Picard Try this on the 17 year old assistant manager. They won't touch you after a line like that. Live long and prosper.
Chris	Get a friggin' life Sipowicz! What with all of the losers here? Shuttlecraft? Man! Slam your head into that thing you geeky bastard! love chris

Trevor	Dusty, Congratulations! There are few joys in this world that compare to fathering your very own child. For advice I am going to recommend the following books that may be able to help you raise a happy, healty child: 1. Raising Kids Who Care: About Themselves, About Their World, About Each Other; by Kathleen O'Connell Chesto; Sheed and Ward; ISBN: 1556129211; (January 1997) 2. Caring for Your Baby and Young Child: Birth to Age 5; by The American Academy of Pediatrics, Stephen P. Shelov (Editor), Steven P. Shelov (Editor), Robert E. Hannemann (Editor); (July 1999) 3. Rich Larson's Haunted House of Lingerie Volume 3; by Rich Larson;SQP Inc.; ISBN: 0865620482; (December 1, 2001) The last book is just for your entertainment, I'm sure you could use a good book, and this erotic thriller is just what the doctor ordered.
Steve	Thanks for writing Mike - It's nice to know our music appeals to parents too. Cheers Steve
Paul	This is definately a situation that you want to handle delicately. I suggest that you take this problem to Jerry Springer. He always seems to be able to sort these sorts of problems out in a nice civilized manner. Final Thought: Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. Let's hope you put your differences aside, and do what's best for your child.
Chris	Mike, Dude, you need to get a DNA test, but to be quite honest with you, I can almost guarantee that this is your kid. Unless you asked her specifically if she would take care of getting a dome, and unless you remember her doing that exactly, then she probably is kid crazy. You're going to have to make some serious choices. My advice is this. Rent all of season three of Degrassi Junior High, and learn from Spike & Shane. This situation sucks so bad, that I am so glad it isn't me. You're so screwed man! This chick is a bona-fide wackass. She doesn't talk to you for a year, and then shows up at your work with a kid? DUDE! This is like a R&B video for crissakes! THIS SO SUCKS, that I'M CRYING FOR YOU LIKE ARGENTINA! c.diddy P.S. Tears are falling from my face as we speak. You are so fucked!

Trevor	Dear SU, I believe I will answer this problem with some advice in the form of a haiku. This is how Anne Landers used to give out most of her advice until she was sued by Dear Abby. Of course Dear Abby doesn't own the rights to giving advice in haiku, the lawsuit was actually over an incident at the AAC convention back in '68. An unfortunate incident that resulted in Dear Abby losing most of her front teeth. For those that don't know, the AAC is the Association for Advice Columnists, which WWSD has recently become a member. It is a self governing association which sets standards for and regulates advice giving practice. It has a statutory mandate under the Advice Columnist Act to protect the public interest where advice giving is concerned. Rigorously educated, experienced and committed to a Code of Ethics that puts the public interest first, licensed advice columnists can be counted on to uphold the highest moral standards when giving advice to poor saps who rely on people they don't know to straighten out their shambled life. That being said, here is my advice, in the form of a haiku: You can't have it all That girl will just cause trouble You should forget her.
Steve	That's quite the ordeal, Screwed Up. I think in the future you should leave the sausage links of Sheiks condoms at home on the dresser and carry around one or two at a time. Who needs a Rambo-style magazine of latex? Hugh Hefner maybe, but I doubt you're getting that kind of action.
Paul	Why don't you try sending her a single Tigre Lily wrapped in a bag with a nice little note. What girls heart wouldn't melt after that. -Paul PS: bring her to your house next time.
Chris	Screwed Up, Your situation is a really bad one. It is unfortunate that you had to physically fight about this, but if you were openly holding a multiple link of contraception that she knew about, as she ushered you into her apartment, then my call is this. Forget about her. If she's still living with her boyfriend, then that sucks too. She sounds like the kind of person that relays her insecurities and unsureness about her own intimate situation into real life, then sits back and watches the consequences as they play out like a movie....these are not good attributes in a potential girlfriend. Know what I mean? You sound doured about your love life, man. Don't fret...it'll work out. c.diddy

Trevor	1. remove all mirrors from your house. 2. remove all misconceptions about being fat from your brain. 3. get a moo moo and a fat man hat 4. enjoy life as a fat man It's time to accept what your body is telling you and keep on truckin'. Stay the course, and if your body decides to be skinny, it'll become skinny. As for Ratalie, I'd say keep her, and convince her that once she's had fat, she'll never go back. tk
Steve	I appreciate your candidness Wrett, and I take these sorts of letters very seriously. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to face up to the fact that you have a weight problem that's alienating you from friends like that. But you need to understand that your friends confronted you because they care about you, not because they wanted to hurt you. As for Ratalie, if she can't look past your weight problem and see your real inner beauty, then I think you need to look for a new girlfriend...if you catch my drift. I'm glad you're a fan of the band and you're making it out to the shows, but I think you might need to get your eyes checked...you think this guy is in "amazing shape"? Your problem must be much more serious than I thought. I'm worried that it's too late for you...
Paul	The dictionary discribes fat as: 1. having excess adipose tissue. 2. plump or well-fed. 3. containing fat. 4. fertile, as land. 5. profitable, as an office or position. 6. thick or broad. 7. an overabundance or excess. 8. the richest or best part of anything. You see being fat isn't ALL bad.
Chris	Hey Fatty! Listen man. I've always struggled with my weight, and know what it's like to feel slightly insecure about what you look like. So do this...hit up a buffet! A good friend of mine and I always used to hit up buffets when depressed about chicks and shit, and it was a wowzer! There's nothing like delectable egg rolls, or chicken sandwiches, or McChickens with extra McChicken sauce, or curly fries, or Miss Vickie's chips to make you feel better....!!!! Or try this recipe! Develop a serious drug habit, like smack or H, and you'll see the pounds melt away! Then you can shack up with your girlfriend after she finds you attractive again, and get her hooked on drugs too. You guys will become a regular Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown! For real, I'd try to portion what I eat, do some soul searching about why you're overeating, and get to the bottom of your weight problem. Also, I'd take this little experience into account when determining who your real friends are.... The More You Know... chris

Trevor	That iz an interestin' queshun. It iz, however, uh little bit out o' ma fuckin range o' expertise. In terms o' hip hop I've always been partial ta da north side as opposed ta east or west coast. I grew up wiff Maestro Fresh Wes an' Kish. Boy, dat mofo apparently could rhyme da world in 80 days. It blew ma fuckin mind when I seen Kish play da Gloucester Fair in '92. Good times, pimp-tight times... and shit.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Preach it Jon Gallant!...........we know it's you.
Chris	This is the kind of stuff that I dream about. Dude. Get a handle on life, lay off of the weed for more than an hour between spliffs, and start to become a little more grounded. Tupac's legacy will live on forever, whether you spread the gospel or not. You are a tweaking geek, who has a name that is more reminding of a kid working his father's golf clubs at the country club golf course...how long you been mowing lawns, skippy? c.diddy

Trevor	I think it was at Gym Jam nearly 7 years ago.
Steve	I got my first guitar just after I turned 17. Immediately I hooked up with my friend Mark who also had a guitar and we started writing lots of songs about high school janitors (we didn't have girlfriends yet...give us some slack). Later that year we played a show at our school's coffeehouse and got all these requests to play our best known tune, "If I Was a Janitor". When those grade nine girls started throwing their training bras on stage, I knew at that very moment this was the reason I was put on earth.
Paul	Does a mailman know that he delivers mail? Does a garbage man know that he picks up garbage? I think at one point in your life you wake up one morning and say "This is what I was born to do". For us it was ROCK. More specifiacally: November 18, 1996.
Chris	All I can say is this. Buying three albums, and listening to them religiously while doing my grade seven paper route. 1. Guns'N'Roses-Appetite For Destruction 2. Body Count-self titled 3. SKID ROW-self titled c.

Trevor	I'm going to give you my standard advice when dealing with girls: do not do anything. Just let the ladies come to you. Of course you may want to make sure you are as attractive as I am before trying this.
Steve	That's a tough one Butch, I don't envy you. I would say just back off a bit and give things some time. If you go too fast and botch things up, you probably won't get another chance to make things right...so take it slow. I know you don't want to grind things to a halt so that she loses interest, but maybe just tone it down a bit...try putting ice in your shorts before you spend time with her, that way you won't have any unpure thoughts. You probably won't have any thoughts at all, other than how cold your gonads are! YOUCH!
Paul	Short and simple answer: Shit or get off the pot. Obviously things aren't good how they are. Either bring things to the next level or move on to something new. It is not worth while to sit pining away for something that will never happen. This doesn't mean that you can't be friends with this person but you have to move on with your life.
Chris	I'm sure that this was either Trev or Steve... Whoa dude. I so feel you. I'm convinced that every guy has gone thru at least one of these.... It's called and ALF. Advanced. Level. Freindship. Bottom line. If you're not getting the vibes that she's into you, then back the hell off. One thing that is a sure fire romance extinguisher is bugging her about the status of your situation, both obviously and obliviously..(I.E. Constantly asking if you're a couple, and/or dropping hints). If you've made some genuine efforts to let her know how you feel with some good grade moves, and she still hasn't responded, then decide what is best for you. As mentioned, I'm convinced that every guy has gone thru this...but you will probably have to learn the hard way to avoid a friendship with someone who you're digging... Heed these three rules my main man... 1. If you like a member of the opposite sex, be friendly, get to know them any way you can. This will make getting a vibe easier for you. Even the sharpest hint of desperation/anxiousness can come through in your attitude, so regulate your hormones as best you can. 2. Don't hang around/persist if you get the vibe that someone doesn't dig you. It will eat away at your self esteem. Instead rent GHOST, get a bag of Smartfood, and chill. 3. DO NOT AT ALL COSTS GET INVOLVED IN AN A.L.F. with someone that you like. First of all, if you love her at this stage, you're a sausage and a half. Take it the hell easy. You're most likely to hook up when you're not looking for it. Your letter is indicative that you're a lonely bastard, and that you're probably scaring women away. I'm imagining my sister dating you, and a single tear is trailing down my face. Free Advice! You're welcome. love c.diddy P.S. There is also the flip side to these situations, which I'm also convinced that every guy goes thru as well, which is when you really like someone, and apparently don't do enough to let them know short of saying directly to their face. This is always brought to your attention in some awkward moment, where you feel like a jerk off. If you need some more direct examples of what I'm talking about, then rent "My Best Friend's Wedding".

Trevor	I think when the well runs dry you gotta quit. Just kidding, actually I'd say just wait it out. There have been lots of songs that The Setbacks have come up with that never see the light of day. During your dry spell just keep writing and eventually you'll hit something you like. Another technique is to put the song in a different situation. When I write a song (by myself, on an acoustic guitar) it sometimes is just ok. Nothing really good, but when I bring it to rehearsal and we flesh it out as a group it can completely turn a song around. Of course if you're coming up with nothing at all - not even bad songs - I'd say rip something off. Just change the words to a Weezer song or something. Whatever you do, do NOT listen to eighties music for inspiration.
Steve	Great question Todd. When you're in the business of being creative, it's hard to be "on" all the time. Sometimes you hit dry spots, and if you let it get you down, those dry spots can become a rut...and everyone knows how hard it is to get out of a rut. My advice to you is this...get a change of scenery - go over to a friend's house, or your parents place and see if that gets the juices flowing. I think you'll find this really works wonders. I like to call it my "sweet sanctuary" remedy.
Paul	That isn't an easy one. The thing that I like to do is change things up. If you always write lyrics about lost love then try to write about good times. Mix it up. Musically, do the same thing. Try a new guitar or a new sound. I find that new sounds or feels bring out different music. No matter what you do to get out of your "rut" don't panic! It will only make things worse.
Chris	What in the sweet hell is this shit? Is this you, Matsunaga? Goddamn it is, I know it! What other Todd do I know except maybe Todd Kearns from The Age Of Electric. You have writer's block, eh? Why don't you stop playing Suikoden III on PS2.... Whenever I have writer's block, I enjoy doing jumping jacks, or listening to a variety of early eighties wickedness, like Air Supply, and Godley & Creme. You make me wanna cry...