What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Page:

    Anyone interested in visiting space?

    November 18th, 2010

    Buzz Hammer writes:

    Hi guys,

    I work for NASA at the White Sands Test Facility in New Mexico as the lead recruitment officer for all of our testing programs. We're reaching out to dormant, obscure rock bands in an effort to gain a better understanding into the effects of zero gravity on mild to moderate hearing loss caused by rock music, as well as the effect of zero gravity on receding hairlines. It was suggested to me by a mutual friend that The Setbacks would be excellent candidates for both of these studies.

    Now, before we launch you into space you'll have to complete some pretty rigorous training. It's no Sunday cakewalk in the park, boys. Some of you might feel sick and even throw up. But after you complete your 3 week training stint you'll be invited to participate in the next space mission to make repairs to a highly-advanced type of coffee maker on the International Space Station.

    I realize you're all Canadian citizens but I'd like to expedite your entry into the U.S. on temporary work visas that will grant you special permission to undergo the training and the subsequent mission into space.

    Yours truly,
    Buzz


    Trevor    		 Listen BUZZ! I think space is awesome so count me in! But I don’t think I will need the training, I’m in pretty good space travel shape. Everyday I spend about 2 hours on a trampoline, and when I’m at the very top of the jump there is an instant where I feel weightless. I’m pretty sure it’s the same as space. I also eat only dehydrated food, so I’m ready there too.

    Also, I heard that astronauts keep a cyanide pill in their mouths during space walks so that they can kill themselves if they start floating away. Cancel mine; I think suffocating while floating in the eternal expanse of space would be a better way to go.

    I know we’ll need Chris’ participation to help you on the receding hairline study, so I’ll try to talk him into it.

    Steve    		 Hi Buzz,

    I was in White Sands earlier this year for the regatta. Had a wonderful time.

    On the subject of space travel, I'm definitely interested. I know you didn't mention any specific dates, but my schedule's just been really nuts lately and I'm not sure I can 100% commit to much of anything at this point. You know how it is... I'm slammed at the office and I've got hockey starting back up so that totally cuts into one evening a week. On top of that, I've been meaning to get some stuff done around the house... just a bit of tidying up here and there (nothing major) but it always helps to set aside a bit of time to make sure that it gets done.

    Anyways, like I said - space sounds really cool and I definitely think that it'd be neat to go - but I'm just not sure timing-wise if it's going to work. Can you maybe text me when you're about to start the training and I can let you know if it's do-able or not? There's just a chance I might be really bushed and want to veg in front of the TV for a night. I know... L-A-M-E... but I'm still getting over this cold and I don't want to have to deal with another bout of the sniffles. You know how it is.

    Paul    		 Hey Buzz,

    Space travel is serious business. As a person that gets nauseous just thinking about spinning, I’m torn. I relate space travel, for the purpose of this metaphor, to Mexican catamaran tours. Sure they sound like they would be amazing but are you going to enjoy the beautiful scenery or are you going to be passed out in the hull of the ship.

    For the sake of science, I will assume that my hearing loss and queasiness won’t eliminate me from going to space. Space travel would be amazing. Being in an environment where you are weightless and can view the Earth from a point of view only a handful of people have seen would be worth any amount of crazy training or tests.

    This question has really peaked my interest. What if we were the first band in space? Would our instruments make any sound? Would the sound go out into space forever? These are really important questions that I think NASA should approach. I’m pretty sure the other guys would be interested…. except for Saracino. Drummers are a dime a dozen. I’m sure we could find someone to join us in space.

    Thanks for the question.



    Chris    		 Hi Buzz,

    First of all - are you related to Justin Hammer? You know - Sam Rockwell's character in Iron Man 2? Ha ha. I know you're not. Thought I'd break the ice.

    First of all...I'm semi very interested. I love coffee, and I have a receding hairline. Only problem is...I've zero interest in going to space, thinking about space, or even watching movies about space. Know why? Cuz we don't fucking belong there. The other day 2010: A Space Odyssey was on AMC. Well I shook my head and changed the channel. No thanks. I'd rather watch 13 going on 30 50 times than think about the vortex that is the observable universe. I've devised some pros and cons for you to consider before embarking on this stupid idea...

    Pros about space:

    Quiet
    View of the earth (depending on where you are - if you're on Saturn, the view sucks).

    Cons about space:

    It's crazy
    Vacuum
    No air
    Dark
    It sucks
    Need a special suit
    Your food is in a toothpaste tube
    Expensive trip
    Insane

    If the rest of the gents want to play with their lives as they would a series of chips in a no holds barred game of Crazy Eights - so be it. I'm fine on earth. Also - what the hell makes you think I would be willing to get whipped around like a can of paint at Color Your World before being launched into space? That's the shittiest part of getting prepped to go there. I can barely handle even fucking looking at the Gravitron from the Bank Street bridge in Ottawa when when EX is going down in the summer.

    Thanks - but no thanks.



    how do i NOT piss off my baby's momma?

    February 24th, 2009

    terry sizzla writes:

    hey u guys,

    i had my bday last week and my girlfriend surprised me with tix to go see hinder in ottawa in a couple weeks. i fuckin hate hinder so much that i just wanna punch things when somebody says their name. i think when i told my girl i want to rok it out at scotiabank on mar 10th she thought i meant with hinder! terrible mistake i know.

    i know what u guys r thinking - they're opening fer motlee crue which is cool cuz i'd like to see those guys... even though they're old as dirt. problem is my girlfriend is kind of cheap so she got these discount tix that r only for the opener - so we have to leave our seats as soon as hinder is done!

    how do i get out of this w/o hurting her feelins? she's carrying my unborn son so i don't want to mess things up or anything. pleez help guys!


    Trevor    		 Listen SIZZLA! This is a real tough question. In all matters of the heart I would say honesty is the best policy. You're going to have to tell her that you are not a douche, and as a result you don't like Hinder. If you just go through with it and pretend everything is ok, you're probably going to get a hinder t-shirt for your birthday, then a hinder bandana for Easter, and finally the full Hinder 3 piece bedroom set for Christmas. Once a lady thinks she's found something you like, she will keep going back to the trough.

    Trust me, I once said I liked penne, and now it's worked into every meal. Have you ever had penne hamburgers? It's too late for me, not too late for you.


    Steve    		 Awaiting wisdom...

    Paul    		 Oh Terry, you've got yourself quite the little problem here. This question is perfect for this website because not only is this a rock n' roll question but it is also a relationship question. Both are our speciality.

    This reminds me of a while back when our drummer Chris came up to me and asked me if I bought the new John Legend album. I looked at him both with a quizzical and sad face. He caught himself about halfway through the question. His embarrassment was obvious. He had inadvertently ruined our friendship. All I could do was to place my hand on his shoulder and shake my head. He has tried to win back my friendship by saying that he listens to Sir Lord Baltimore but I've seen the Alicia Keys CD's in his car. We are cordial in our interactions now but that original spark is gone forever.

    The lesson here is that relationships and rock n' roll should be kept secret. For the love of your new born baby, fake loving Hinder.

    Chris    		 Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

    How do I handle this delicate situation?

    January 27th, 2009

    Gregmilion Lissten writes:

    Hey guys,

    I guess you're a band or something? I Googled "thoughtful, sensitive and objective advice for free" and this page came up top of the list. Seems kind of quiet these days but from the looks of it you know your stuff. So here goes...

    I run a small landscaping company called "Leaves 'B' Gone" in North Gower. We started up in the Spring and immediately we were booked solid. Business was booming in the Summer with our $29.95 tree pruning special. Then in the Fall we raked and bagged a record number of leaves from our customers' yards. I was on top of the world in October. Then the snow hit and that world quickly came crashing down. Our customers aren't calling us to deal with their leaves and I'm in the unfortunate position of having to lay off our entire staff of 5 "leaf artists".

    How do I handle this delicate situation with tact and sensitivity?

    Also, do you guys need any landscaping services? We have a "de-leaf my life" special running right now for $14.95. We'll hit the yards, gutters and wax the eaves troughs to prevent future leaf build-up.


    Trevor    		 Listen LISSTEN!

    I once ran a landscaping company as well. It was KC Landscaping and it was not successful. My business partner Matt and I went to Cedarhill, a rich neighbourhood, and put flyers in everyone’s mailbox. After flyering for 3 days we took a rest. We finally got a call a week later, when someone needed some weeding done.

    Our flyer advertised free quotes, so I rushed over to give a competitive bid. I couldn’t get a hold of Matt so I was on my own. I quoted $10, as it did not seem like an overly strenuous job. She immediately informed me we were hired, so I went back home to get the gear and notify Matt.

    I worked for almost an hour when Matt finally showed up. Together we worked for another 3 hours. The client was nice enough to offer us a can of Coke each when we were done. All told we never covered the cost of the photocopies and our business immediately folded. Matt and I went into hiding to avoid the Business Depot creditors, who were looking for their money (obviously the names in this story have been changed as we are both still in hiding).

    Regardless, I think there is an important lesson here for you: hire me on as a business consultant and you will see immediate results, or at the very least some great tips on changing your identity to hide from your leaf artists and creditors.

    Steve    		 I too have bitten by the entrepreneurial bug.

    I've felt it's many hair-covered legs crawl up my thigh and around the underside of my genitalia. I've witnessed it lay several thousand eggs at the base of my scrotum. I've felt the joy of providing those larvae with a warm, moist, and nutrient-rich environment in which to thrive.

    I've also felt the pain of losing over three quarters of the unborn creatures to a freak aardvark encounter.

    Through my experiences I've learned two things: running a business means checking your emotions at the door sometimes and acting in a logical and rational manner. Secondly, Gold Bond medicated powder can provide you with moderate relief from entrepreneurial itch.

    Paul    		 At last, a question concerning one of my favorite subjects. You may be saying to yourself, "I didn't know that Paul loved gardening" but you would be wrong. One of my favorite subjects is financial planning. Over the years of running this band I have learned many business lessons. Most of them have been the hard way.

    For example, let me tell you about a show we did Perth. At the start of the night things were looking good. This was one of our shows where we were paid no matter what the turnout at the bar. Great. The bar offered us dinner before our set. Awesome. The show went really well. Lots of people were there. We all had a great time. We ended up drinking quite a lot of beer. At the night we got paid by the bar. Super. We also at this time got the bar tab. We got paid $250 but we drank $350 worth of beer. Not cool. We couldn't even cover the gas to get to Perth. This is what the financial community calls "shitty".

    My suggestion to you is to not go drinking with Trevor.


    Chris    		 Gregmilion,

    I feel your pain. I inherited a Dairy Queen franchise from my great uncle in the summer of 2004. I was on top of the world. I mean, who wouldn't be... I gained 15 lbs and was having the time of my life eating Dilly Bars, Peanut Buster Parfaits, and the cheesecake crumbs they put in Blizzards. Life was good. Too damn good I tell you. I had hired 40 employees, paid them all $14.95 an hour, and they all worked at the same time. I did some fancy tweaking of my prices too. I was selling everything and anything for 2 bucks. Let's put it this way. At any given point, you could see a mile long line of customers at the location, eagerly waiting for 2 dollar anything at MY Dairy Queen. Business was brisk. I was the market leader in sales for all Dairy Queens in Canada, and I also conveniently had the most employees of any location in North America because things were going so well. My employees were ecstatic. Two of them, not even 20 year old, were able to buy BMWs. They all loved me....customers and employees alike. I considered running for mayor.

    Then something happened. The weather changed, and small frozen particles of water began falling from the sky. The wind grew strong and cold. White frozen powdery stuff started covering the streets, and it became night time at 5:00 p.m. I talked to the city about this, and they gave me no useful information. Suddenly, wicked fucking awesome frozen treats became not as popular as a result of people needing to wear "coats" and "sweater". My business evaporated in an INSTANT! I even tried running a special, where for 5 bucks you got 60 dipped cones. I made some of the employees eat them on the corner, in an effort to entice people to buy soft serve.....all to no avail.

    The answer to your question:

    I laid off my employees gracefully. I explained to them that the business was a victim of an unprecedented natural phenomenon, which was what I was convinced was the end of the world. I explained my views to them, and gave them all $5000 severance packages. I am all about employee respect and having dignity. No one knows how hard it is to twist the cones and make a banana split. It's just as hard as driving a bus.

    Needless to say, my business was closed, and I am currently dealing with a $675,000 personal debt. Once I climb out of this hole...I am considering a restaurant business of just piping hot soups.

    Cease and desist... NOW

    November 29th, 2007

    Cyrius Balles writes:

    I am neither a fan nor a person who enjoys listening to music. While I was visiting my nephew on Renfrew Avenue last night I heard what sounded suspiciously like Setbacks music coming from the band's rehearsal space. I represent the legal interests of Steve Palmer and without his written consent you are all strictly forbidden to play any Setbacks songs - in whole or in part. I cannot overstate the urgency and importance of this formal legal request and I expect that you will obey it and not be douchebags about it immediately.


    Trevor    		 Listen BALLES, I checked with some legal counsel and found that issuing a cease and desist order through an advice website does not constitute any legal binding documentation as required by the law.

    I have personally told Steve that if he wishes to pursue any legal action he should consider hiring a lawyer that doesn't run his office out of the back door of the local mmmmuffins franchise at the mall. Yes, I am implying that this is where your law office is located. Be insulted.

    For all the rest of the readers, you can now see some of the internal struggles that lead to the demise of the Setbacks. This is why Chris set his drums up in such a way that he would never have to look at Steve.

    Steve    		 Woah. This is the first I've heard of this. Cyrius - please contact me directly to discuss how we'll prepare our case. I have a few surprise witnesses I'd like to call to the stand. The first is Todd (aka Todd from Understorey, Trodvor 2000). This guy is hilarious and does can do this really funny high-pitched voice. I'd love to get him to do it in the courtroom. He'd have the jury in stitches. Can you coordinate this?

    Mike and Brett are another couple of good witnesses. Both are totally cool and stand-up guys. I think we should call them too. I haven't seen either of them in a while.

    Also, can we request that Judge Reinhold sit on the bench?

    Paul    		 Wow. That takes some...uh... serious balls to make accusation like that. First of all you say that you don't even like music but you can walk by a random house and say that you heard a song that may sound like it if from one of Ottawa's most underrated bands?

    Sure, you may have walked by the house where 3/4 of The Setbacks were playing together but you did not hear a Setbacks song. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm sort of insulted. To think that we were playing painfully weak covers of Attack in Black and Starling and you thought it sounded like The Setbacks. Ouch. Please buy a Setbacks CD and listen to it a couple times to rid your ears of any previous music you have heard.

    Douchebag.

    Chris    		 Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

    Family Running Interference

    May 10th, 2007

    Garth Mendelson writes:

    I'm a die hard Sens fan and I make a point of watching each and every game with my buds. We take turns hosting and everybody brings beers and meat. It's always a good time and I wouldn't trade our little tradition for anything in the world.

    The reason I'm writing in is to tell you guys about a little problem is starting to get in the way of me enjoying my time with the guys. Namely, my 8 month pregnant wife and infant daughter. Lately during the playoffs they've been giving me a lot of grief about being out of the house so much. You know what my response to them is? "Get out of my face - you know how important time with my buds is... so don't fuck this up!"

    Before my daughter came along it was easy enough to pop home after work, get changed and head right back out to meet my friends. My wife would complain, but I could deal with her. Now that my daughter's learning to talk, she's bitching at me too... now I have the two of them asking for hugs and telling me they love me. Enough! I just want to put on some jeans and take a shit! And then leave immediately to get slammed with my buds.

    Guys, what can I do? I'm fearing that when this new kid comes along the situation is going to get even worse. Especially when it's my turn to have the guys over at our place. I mean, fuck... they're really interfering with my plans.


    Trevor    		 Listen MENDELSON! I'm going to be the first to apologize to you. The Setbacks have really been dropping the ball recently when it comes to dishing out helpful advice recently, and your situation has suffered greatly. Now that I'm getting around to giving out advice, the playoffs are already over.

    Anyways, here's my advice so that you can use it for other similar situations. You just have to remind them that you're the breadwinner. You're bringing home the bacon. And if you want to let your frank and beans float, you can damn well do it.

    This may sound harsh, but it'll have to be said. Also, let me know how it goes because I would never in a million years have the balls to do what I say.

    Steve    		 Awaiting wisdom...

    Paul    		 Awaiting wisdom...

    Chris    		 Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

    How can I be creative?

    March 15th, 2007

    Ronald Roland writes:

    I've never had much creativity myself (I work in a lab that studies paint drying) so I've always marveled at guys like you that obviously have talent in spades. I'm sure you all have loads of creative stuff you work on in your free time. Please share! I'm hoping to gain some inspiration...


    Trevor    		 Listen RONALD! It looks as though I am being cornered into demonstrating my creativeness via some haikus. Note that Steve answered this question first, Paul second, and then I did. I can only assume Chris will after this, but if you are reading this advice for the first time, read it in that order (Steve, Paul, Trevor, maybe Chris).

    So anyway, enough with the immediate history lesson. Here are my haikus about my back stabbing bandmates (pre-emptively on Chris):


    Owns no equipment
    The Italian Dave Matthews
    Holds the backbeat well

    Yelling and riffing
    A fart smell ruins practice
    He doesn't notice

    Short roughly two strings
    But they still break all the time
    Take it easy, man

    Big time handsomeness
    Not to mention awesome riffs
    Ok, that's enough


    By the way, haikus are Japanese and have nothing to do with Korea. Steve, your ignorance has been exposed. If you don't want to practice, have the decency to tell us. Don't weave such a complex story about a trip to Korea. You've been caught.

    ps. inside jokes are awesome, and everyone's advice this time is basically full of them.

    Steve    		 Thanks for the kind words Ronand.

    Spending this last week in Seoul has inspired me to write some haikus about what's important in my life. Here's one about our drummer Chris:


    Arms moving swiftly
    Man of Italian descent
    Please help load some gear


    And another about our guitarist Trevor:


    Shredding a mean axe
    Face melting solos all night
    O.K. that's enough


    And our bassist Paul:


    Bass anchors the song
    Solid foundation for rock
    You are Jack from Lost



    Paul    		 Steve's answer really got my creative juices going. I thought that I'd put together some haikus as well.

    Rock and roll good times
    Labatt 50 and some kicks
    Guitars in your face

    Beat skins with fury
    Where did you put those drum keys
    No drum sticks in sight

    Screaming angel voice
    What'd you do with the nachos
    Whoa, what is that smell?

    Blistering solos
    A saturated liver
    Ok, that's enough

    Wow. That bass is good
    It holds it all together
    Awesome. Yeah. Awesome



    Chris    		 Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

    Cookies!

    March 1st, 2007

    NewlyThirteen writes:

    See I have this uncle, and hes really really awsome but hes not TECHNICALLY
    my uncle. Well...I guess he is but to make a long story short hes my
    biological aunts husband. Anyways. I see him once a week and he has this
    really cool band and I love them to DEATH. So one day I saw a big box of
    some of there CD's on the counter and my aunt gave me one. So in return i
    promised to make them a batch of cookies. THIS IS NO JOKE!! However, due to
    my amazingly amazing life of playing Wheel of Fortune and not being able to
    guess even the easiest of easy phrases " famous last words" I did not have
    the time and precision to make them. I felt HORRIBLE. So now that its almost
    spring break and i have a lot of time on my hands, Ive decided that i finally
    want to bake them the cookies!
    The reason I have written this is because I have absolutely no idea what
    type of cookies to bake them! Please respond I need serious help!!!


    Trevor    		 Listen NEWLYTHIRTEEN!

    C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
    C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
    C is for cookie, that's good enough for me
    Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie starts with C

    That about sums it up. Anyone should be grateful to get any type of cookie in exchange for a cd, whether he's your uncle or not.

    But, I guess if it were me, I'd say no raisins. Nothing ruins a cookie like a shrivelled grape. And don't give me that crap about raisin's being nature's candy. Candy is nature's candy. Maybe that's it, put some type of candy into the cookies. Get creative and make something that's never been made.

    Steve    		 I sympathize with your feelings Paul. Those are all valid questions but I'm afraid you'll never get an answer to them. Instead of a period, try placing a question mark at the end. This indicates to the reader that it is in fact a question.

    Yes, I know I'm an asshole for pointing that out.

    And NewlyThirteen, I like all cookies as long as they haven't been tossed first. Oh, and they can't have nuts in them.

    Paul    		 Sure cookies are great and if made properly can make you forget about all of the worlds problems.

    The real problem here is the fact that you hate your "uncle". You can't even speak the words. You must only refer to him as "that guy married to your aunt". Why are you so filled with hate. Why can't you accept those around you. Always with the labels. Can't we all just get along.

    Can't we just have some chocolate chip cookies and have a good time.

    Chris    		 Awaiting wisdom...badda bing badda boom

    Gimme the Dirt!!!!!

    February 23rd, 2007

    Flappy Jack writes:

    Can you remember a time when you did something really, really fucking stupid for someone you liked? At the time, you thought it was a good idea, but really, it ended up totally embarrassing the shit out of you?

    I want to know: WHAT’S THE FREAKIEST THING YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS DONE FOR LOVE?

    We all have a story! Hell, I went transatlantic for an Internet lover and ended bloody trashed at a Hawksley Workman show, which turned out alright in the end. But you: Did you wake up drunk on her lawn? In her pool? Send dirty photos of her to her mother? WHAT DID YOU DO FOR THE BIRD OR BLOKE you dug? How did it end up? Is that what your album is about?


    Trevor    		 Listen FLAPPY! Love can do crazy things to a man. Even a man such as myself. I give as evidence the following tale:

    During the course of one beautiful summer, I spent a lot of time out of the city and at a cottage. Apart from falling in love with my natural surroundings, I also fell in love with a local girl. Whenever she was around I was like a peacock in full plummage, strutting my stuff and doing my best to stand out. I guess it worked, because one day she came running to me because her dog got stranded on Dead Man's Island and she figured I was the only one strong enough to swim out and get it.

    Long story short, I'm not a really strong swimmer and about 20 feet from shore I was overcome by the small waves and almost drowned. I had to be saved by the very girl I was trying to impress. She swam out and got me back to shore where some people performed CPR and got my heart beating again. I actually spent the better part of seven months in a coma.

    When I woke up, I found out that she was actually a man and that he had made love to me while I was in the coma. I moved on, but to this day I am terrified of open water.

    Steve    		 A friend of mine was head over heels for this girl... like, he was seriously walking on sunshine. He reached a point in their relationship where he felt compelled to demonstrate the ultimate display of love and devotion to her. Problem was that he felt limited by what he could say or write. As he explained it to me, "words are useless". So rather than being constrained by the vocabulary of the English language, he chose arguably the most sensual of communication techniques - interpretive dance. However, during one of the most erotic and technically challenging sequences his cell phone rang. As if this wasn't embarrassing enough, it turns out it was this girl he was doing on the side... she was preggers and it was most certainly not planned. He got off the phone and he finished that dance though. Like, he really nailed it.

    I have a lot of respect for that.

    Paul    		 This was no ordinary girl. No high school crush. No beer-goggle makeout. This was serious. We had only been going out for a couple months when our group of friend's annual "pub golf" pub crawl came up. Every year this event seems to get more and more messy. Anticipating this, I told her that the pub crawl is usually boring and a male bonding type thing, hoping to scare her off. The plan worked. She ended up heading out with her lady friends to some lady friendly place where I can only assume that beer and nachos are not the main staple. So the pub crawl pretty much went as planned. Large amounts of alcohol were consumed. Shots, beers, pickled eggs, mixed drinks, lemons, nachos, and all combinations in between. Sometime after the point where I knew it was inevitable that I was going to cross THAT line and the point where I actually did cross the line, my lady friend gave me a call. Since my mind was somewhere between destroyed and incomprehensible I was able to converse somewhat coherently. Turns out that her lady friends had enough wine, cheese, naked tickle fights, gossip, and whatever else ladies do for the night. She wanted to come meet up with us. My conscience, which at this point had almost checked out for the night, said "your lady will not be impressed with the condition you are in". Unfortunately the tequila in my stomach was much louder yelling "Fuckin eh man. She will totally see that you are an awesome dancer and the life of the party.... and if she comes you might get to feel her boobs." So the decision was made. To make thing all the more awesome the final bar on the pub crawl was Ottawa's own "bottom of the barrel" bar, Maxwell's. As I waved my lady over to the dance floor I flooded her vision with amazing dance moves such as the moonwalk, the running man, and the ever popular robot. Not intimidated by the dance moves my lady joined the large group of pub crawlers, cougars, divorce lawyers, and dirty old men on the Maxwell's dance floor. As the aural explosion of Tragically Hip, AC/DC, and House of Pain songs rang through the club I was overcome with passion for my lady and as we "jumped around" I yelled into her ear "I LOVE YOU". This phrase had not come up in our relationship yet. We both froze, instantly sobered by the situation. After a silence that was only a second or two but felt like an eternity the phrase was returned, "I LOVE YOU TO". I knew after that moment that this lady was a keeper.

    Chris    		 Well. Good Question.
    Once, ages ago really...I dropped some rap verses for my now wife on Valentine's Day. It was at her parents' house, and served as my method of asking her to marry me.

    And it went a little something like this...

    I love you. 'Nuff said.
    I am anxious to get you in bed.
    Bottom line. Sex. You know how I roll.
    Forever and ever, let's make this our goal.
    Mothafuckas to the left, gangstas to the right...
    50 years of marriage, let's not fight.
    That's what I'm saying girl, you know how I rep.
    If you say no right now, you best watch your step.
    Don't embarrass me here, I swear I'll be pissed.
    If you try to front, and make me all dissed.
    Husband and wife. Wifey and boo.
    You'll get acquainted with things like me taking a poo
    ...and farting in public, and burping in stride
    and pounding that open carton of Five Alive
    in the fridge, in the kitchen of our house
    when you see my dick size, you'll think you married a mouse
    Forever and ever, let's do this right now
    Here is a ring, how I got it, don't ask me how...

    Will you mothafuckin' marry me, boo?



    I Might Lose My Kid

    February 10th, 2007

    Phillipe Orezscu writes:

    I have a serious problem, and I hope you can help me. I have a son who is 13 years old, his mother died 3 years ago, and as a result I am raising him solo (I hate the term 'widower' by the way). We used to be best friends, but recently he's been really pushing my buttons. I mean really really getting under my skin.

    It all came to a head the other day when he was leaving the house with his new denim slacks, and his belt was cinched so low that I could see daylight poking through above his belt, but between his legs (ie below his undropped testicles). Bottom line (no pun intended) his jean are about 4 inches above his knees, which I feel to be an unacceptable way to go out in public.

    My problem is this: I really gave him what-for on his way out the door. Totally losing my cool. I guess this time it was a bit much because a little while later a lady from Children's Aid showed up with a few questions. I could see her thong underwear above her low rise jeans, and pretty soon we were gettin' mad rutty.

    Do you think this creates any conflict of interest, and also what are my chances of getting my kid back?


    Trevor    		 Listen OREZSCU! Styles change and it is impossible to keep up with these trends as you get older. What may seem ridiculous to you and I is likely the only acceptable way for a younger human to dress. Your best bet is to accept that fact, but don't try to dress that way yourself. There is nothing worse than an aging hipster struggling to keep relevant.

    Anyway, about getting the kid back, you'll need to play to your strengths. If macking ladies is what you do, you should be able to parlay that into getting your kid back. Lay the right people the right way and he'll be back driving you mad with fashion trends in no time.

    Don't forget to wear a condom while sleeping your way through Children's Aid.

    Steve    		 Phillipe,
    I don't have many children of my own, but as several of the Setbacks will tell you I am generally respected as being somewhat of an expert when it comes to child rearing. In fact, some of my avant-garde techniques have been published in some highly respected medical journals. I did a thought piece last month entitled "Negative Reinforcement: Pool-Noodle Style". You should check it out.

    Now, on the subject of your predicament... it immediately strikes me that what your parenting toolbox is missing is pool noodles. Now, I'm not talking about the fresh and flexible colourful ones... no, no my friend... I'm talking about the weathered and brittle ones that have been left outside over the winter. You know, until they're really porous and cracking apart like Michael Jackson's face. When they can barely float that's when you know they're ripe for some disciplinin'! A couple smacks daily across the face will re-establish you as the alpha male and shut him up pronto. Aces!



    Paul    		 Awaiting wisdom...

    Chris    		 Phil,

    Are you saying that you were giving your son shit for the same thing that you ended up getting engorged in the nether regions about? I am getting the impression that you find your son sexually attractive. If this is the case, then the Children's Aid visit was warranted.

    High five on getting it on with a social worker. That's a notch in the belt you want people to know about.

    Dating A Friend's Ex...

    January 30th, 2007

    Jack Pendejo writes:

    Hello Guys,

    The name's Jack Pendejo. I recntly split with my common law wife, and have been out of the singles game for a while now. Bottom line, I am ready and dying to butter some booties again.

    Anyways, I ran into "Tammy" recently at a garage sale. She is fine!
    What's weird is this...she is my ex's best friend. What makes this even more complicated is that she is still friends with my ex. Should I pursue this?
    There is another complicated matter here...Tammy and I already went out on a date, and we slept together. She is also pregnant now, with my son. No one has really noticed because she's a big gal, but sooner or later it will be revealed.

    Anyways, I really like her. Do you think I should maybe give it a go? Or do you think things might get a bit awkward?


    Trevor    		 Listen PENDEJO! All you need to do to avoid awkwardness is some serious spin. Politician style spin. You may need to hire a PR expert, but I'll give you some ideas off the top of my head that might work.

    Right now you look like the bad guy, so we need to change that perception by making it seem like your ex impregnated her best friend Tammy. To do this you'll need to pull off the old DNA switcheroo. When no one is looking you'll need to change the label on your sample and your ex's sample. Then, when science has proven you right, you swoop in to help Tammy out by being there for her. Public opinion will be on your side, you'll be back in the sack with Big T, and you'll be in a position to raise your own son.

    This does not eliminate awkward situations though, and may permanently damage your ex's reputation. Your call.

    Steve    		 I used to know a Jack Pendejo.

    He was a man-servant at my uncle's cattle ranch in New Mexico. Jack was a warm and caring man but had no basic reasoning skills. Because of this we called him "the animal". Jack wasn't unintelligent - he attended community college and read many books - but when it came to awareness, decision making and deduction he was at a severe disadvantage.

    I visited the ranch often in my teenage years and would regularly wake to Jack's shrill banshee-like panic-induced scream attacks. If Jack ever found himself in a closed room - which happened often while he sleepwalked - he would be unable to comprehend the purpose of the door knob and would be hopelessly trapped until one of us could release him.

    He sure had way with animals though! You could really feel a special connection between Jack and the livestock, I think mostly due to the fact that the cattle also had no capacity for any kind of organizational thinking.

    I've often thought of Jack as my second cat. He sure taught me a lot over the years... like how essential reasoning is to basic survival. Bless his gentle heart.

    Paul    		 Awaiting wisdom...

    Chris    		 First off, congratulations on your impending fatherhood!

    Jack, let's get down to the real issues here. The real issue is there is obviously something wrong with using condoms for you, or at the very least making sure that underarm sex is considered in place of regular intercourse to prevent pregnancy. Lastly, you might be retarded.
    I'd forget about your reputation for a second, or any awkwardness between you and your ex. I just gave the guy before you a tip for being "real" with himself, and I intend to do the same thing with you. Three tits...yeah that's not half bad. Realize the situation. With you, I'm compelled to non-physically shake you and make you ask yourself...are you aware that you're having a child with this woman? Why are you so concerned with perception and weirdness with your ex at this point? IT IS GOING TO BE WEIRD! You're considering going on a second fucking date with this woman, who you've already given a child! Jack! GET REAL!
    Look into a mirror, and yell/ask the question to yourself..."Am I Being Real With Myself!"?

    Once you get that all worked out, I'd work on a budget. You'll need that, trust you me. Secondly, I'd get a vasectomy. If you don't want any more kids, you'll need that. Trust you me, my friend. Thirdly, I'd not say anything to your ex. Let her find out naturally. She'll be upset, sure, but you have an excuse. Privacy. Tell her you didn't want to make it public because of your concerns over your privacy, and that you thought it better to let things happens the way they were supposed to. If that doesn't work, stuff a Twix in your mouth, and garbble an attempt at an explanation, while being hindered by the chocolatey wickedness tickling your palate. It should work like on the commercial.
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