The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	Hey, you don't like the Piano Man? Uptown Girl? All the other Billy Joel songs? But you do like Edwin? I've sent a letter to each of these artists in an attempt to get them to play together, on the same bill. That way both you and your friend can go to the same show and each of you can enjoy something. If this show does happen, and we're really lucky, maybe Billy Joel will offer to drive Edwin to the show, and he'll be drunk again and crash the car, killing two birds with one stone in a horrible firey crash. A man can dream. As for stories, I'm going to have to agree with Steve. Like the time we went to the buffet and ate some food! Awesome times!!!!!!!
Steve	Hey man, thanks for the question. Does George really know that you hate Billy Joel? Do you think he bought you Billy Joel tickets knowing that you hate him? Sounds like George loves Billy Joel and he's trying to turn you onto the music he likes...some friend he is - you need to resist this at all costs! Don't confront him though - you need to send him the message in a creative way ...try burning effigies of Billy Joel on his front lawn while throwing rocks with your name written on them through his windows. That'll give him the hint. The best story I have is the story of my awesome life, surrounded by awesome friends and living in these awesome times! I feel like a lazer!
Paul	Now neither one of these guys really gets me going so I thought that I would do some research. Here is some of the lyrics from both guys: "peace love hang 10 california dreaming of a perfect wave yeh yeh yeh floatin downstream unconscious waiting for a girl on a train" - Edwin "I'm gonna try for an uptown girl She's been living in her white bread world As long as anyone with hot blood can And now she's looking for a downtown man That's what I am " - Billy Joel I was hoping that this would help my decision as well but now I think the best decision would be to scalp the tickets.
Chris	Break up with your friend! Edwin is the worst. I agree with Trevor. I hope him and Joel go on a friends-forever hayride, and the horses trample them to death! If we're really lucky, maybe Not By Choice, and Shawn Desman will also be on that hayride. That would be wickawesome! Best story? WOW! I have a lot. As far as I'm concerned, seeing a man trying to service a hot-full, airplane lavarotary from the outside of the aircraft, then getting dumped with upwards of 600 litres of defecation/urination/salutation/and celebration is my best one! That was a riot! Also, my best story is the story of my friends! My miracles! My miracle friends! All of my friends are fine guys! I call them the miracles, because in a lot of ways, I think of them as little miracles that GOD sent to me. I once saw my friends being my friends, and I thought that that was a miracle. I stood on a hill at my school, and they were playing german ball. I looked down from the hill, and they all stopped, and gave me the thumbs up! That was a miracle! -chris

Trevor	Is this the same Kip Miller who plays in the NHL? Maybe you can answer my question. Are the Washington Capitals ever going to switch back to their old red and white uniforms with the old logo? I don't like the new one. Anyway, to answer your question, I hate the show Becoming. I always feel embarrassed for the people who are on it. They're making fools of themselves to dress up and act like "stars". Some of them cry. It's ridiculous. But if they do one of us that'd be cool! By the way, your buddy Ron must be one hell of a good looking guy.
Steve	Hey Kip, thanks for the question. Our first video will be for the song "(The Power of) A Thousand Lasers", which I have written but the band has yet to record. The video itself will be made completely in claymation with absolutely no images, photos or appearances by any members of the group. Unfortunately, I don't think you and Ron will be able to show off your chops this time. I hope you understand.
Paul	It is funny that you should bring up videos because I have an idea that has never been done. I have pitched the idea of a video that includes a) club scenes, b) lowrider cars cruising around town , and c) tons of girating scantily clad women. This idea has worked wonders with the rap industry but has barely been touched upon in the rock scene. I feel that with enough gold teeth and bling-bling that we could really pull this off. This idea also blends perfect with our new remix of Perfect Silence done by Puff Daddy called "Perfect Shiznit". Hopefully taping will begin soon.
Chris	GUY! NOT BY CHOICE, potentially the worst band in Canada since Haywire, have a new video with a "Becoming" premise. They suck so bad, that I cringe everytime I think that all you gotta do is slap a bunch of ATTICUS shirts on four moulians, give em' a tattoo or two, and let them follow rank with the rest of that lame ass movement. All of those boys look like these dudes I used to know who would play demolition derby on snowmobiles, and wear Ski-Doo schwag all of time. Our first video....man we only got three shows under our belts! Thanks for wanting to be me!

Trevor	Jamie, Your friend Uriah is not as good a friend as you think. He knows more than he's letting on. You see, I was watching Antique Roadshow on the weekend (as I always do) and someone had an original Stitches 8 ball jacket. Eric E. Alberta (one of their collectible and memorabilia experts) appraised the jacket at well over $35! Don't sell that jacket to Uriah! Get it to an expert who can and will pay you what you really deserve. As for the Dustin Diamond Comedy Extravaganza, I've seen it before and my only advice would be to wear a jock strap. (also, why do all of Chris' tidbits of advice involve him getting beat up in some way?)
Steve	Go ahead and sell it...maybe after seeing Screech you can go back to your place, watch In Living Color and listen to Soul II Soul records while dubbing your tape copy of X-Tendamix Dance Mix 92...chump!
Paul	Finally!! I knew that if I saved my acid wash jeans and high tops that I would eventually have somewhere to wear them. My advice to you is to sell what ever you have to so that you can go to this show. I'm sure washed up actors of this caliber don't come around every day. Do you think that he could introduce me to Tiffani Amber Thiessen?
Chris	First off, I'd like to publicly apologize to Steve. I forgot that your mother reads these..and my toilet humour comments, although funny, were uncalled for, and inappropriate considering the forum that we are working within. Steve. I am sorry. Start returning my phone calls, and let's get this friendship 'till the end of time on the road again... As for you question. There is no question in my mind that I will be attending that function with Dustin Diamond. I read that in the paper, and almost wept. Here's the reason why... October 31st, 1990 Chris' first Boy/Girl Halloween Party: Chris recieves a severe beating about the face and head for dressing up as A.C. Slater, while his tormentors accuse his father, who dropped him off at the function, of looking like Mr. Belding. Hasn't fazed me though....Screech is wickawesome.

Trevor	I'm going to have to assume that this was submitted by Mrs. Saracino, as only a mother could love that mug. Plus I know she has a crush on Paul. -tk p.s. I know I'm treading on thin ice making mother jokes about an italian family. I'm going to wake up with a horse head in my bed tomorrow.
Steve	I don't mind playing the chopped liver role in this situation...being the only single member of the group who wasn't referred to by name. It's not like I need some anonymous girl to validate the fact that I am a good looking man...besides, what the hell is wrong with my love life advice anyways? Jerkass. Even though it doesn't sound like you care much about where I hang out, I'll tell you anyways...because chances are I'm with Chris or Paul. Your best bet is to try Tropix Dance Bar on Rochester Street...that's where you'll probably find us on any given night. Why don't you girls come to our show on Saturday instead? Chris, can you lay off the penis remarks? ...my mom reads these!
Paul	Well first of all, it is good to know that we are getting new fans. Since our new found rise to fame we have become much more busy. Between attending photo shoots, movie premiers, award shows, and having major labels wine and dine us our relax time has become smaller. However, we do take time out of the rock lifestyle to check out shows or have a pint at the local venues like Zaphods, Babylon, The Bulldog, or The Royal Oak (did I say the Bulldog?.......what the hell am I thinking? Scratch that one). Either way, all of us are single (except Trevor) so don't be worried about any cat fights or dirty looks if you come up to us. As a fan, you have the upper hand, since you know all about us but we know nothing about you. Hope to see you at one of the shows.
Chris	Hello Laura/Stacy, I'm flattered by your comments, as I'm sure that Paul is. My cohort Steve Palmer, who is convinced that I started an e-mail account in order to floss my good looks is jealous that you don't find him attractive as well. Well, you have good reason not to. Steve's penis is a mere 2 cm. If you come to our show on Saturday I will be glad to buy you a multitude of drinks, after which I will show you the town in a little something called a limousine. You have the option after the evening to spend the night at my bachelor pad, as long as you don't mind keeping your manic sex shrills at a minimum, as my parents wake easily. Thank You In Advance... Chris P.S. Paul and I will be duking it out in The Bachelor: Rock Life on FOX in the coming fall. P.P.S. Steve has a 2cm penis.

Trevor	Tell that bastard Barafino that I want my money. He owes me $1600. I lent him the money for the hair plugs he got to cover up his Dave Matthews hairline.
Steve	Hey Todd, thanks for the question. I've been working on some new material that isn't really suited for the Setbacks but I think it would be perfect for your new band. Can we get together and jam? I already have three songs written: "Martian Fingers", "Incredible City" and "Captain Laser Man" - which is a real epic tune. Let me know.
Paul	Now from what I understand from your situation you might run into some legal problems. I do, however, have a way for you to get around these problems. We, The Setbacks, have done some quick calculations and have found that even if we played a show every day for the next 5 years that there would still be places on the earth that we haven't rocked yet. This has brought us to the decision that we will organize "The Setbacks" franchises. You can apply to become the local "Setbacks representitive" for your area. This way we feel that we can spread the Setbacks vibe worldwide more efficiently. We will be holding auditions in the upcoming months so send us in your tape. The way we have decided to organize the touring schedule of The Setbacks will be that the original Setbacks will handle any stadium shows in major cities and The Setbacks Association will organize any local shows with thier respective Setbacks representitves.
Chris	That's a good one Trev. I'd just like to take the opportunity to say that I'm glad, as a member of The Setbacks, that we can continue to fulfill our commitments to rock music, especially with Trevor getting those pesky charges dropped after that transexual tryst with the midget hookers. We're all glad Trevor. As for your band question buddy,...Let The Music Shower Your Soul Like A Torrential Melodic Rain. Here's a few band names that you might be interested in... Awaken The Pharoah Lazer Pinata Lazer Buffet Plasma Boys Awesome Times Human Carnage Awesome Powers Ancient Crypt Lazer Crypt Lazer Bullet I've had these kicking around... -chris

Trevor	Bubbles, I think this situation may be a bit beyond the Setbacks' meager advice column. While we are always willing to sound off on any subject, particularly ones we know nothing about, this time I'm going to have to pass you on to a professional. Someone who handles situations like this with grace and a great sense of responsibility - Jerry Springer. Your situation sounds perfect for his show. I would recommend a good canadian show that may be easier for you to get to, but they cancelled the Camilla Scott show many years ago.
Steve	Hey Ralph, thanks for the question. Have you seen Lord of the Rings II yet? I saw it three times over the holidays and man do I love it! It's about a hobbit named Frodo Baggins.
Paul	In most cases I find "honesty is the best policy" but given the conditions I think that "lieing through your teeth" might work out better. This is what I suggest: blame the internet. What you have to do is say that one of your friends (not a close friend) used your name and picture in a "chat room". You say that he met your girlfriend online and now she thinks that you are him. This scenario has worked on many sitcoms and afterschool specials. I usually miss seeing the end of these shows but I'm sure that nothing backfires. If this doesn't work I'm sure that you can have her killed by one of your drywall or construction buddies. Good luck.
Chris	I've been criticized for being too nice in my advice, so I'm changing to a straight version of Dan Savage. Hey Buddy, It's THE SETBACKS. As for your stupid situation.... Well, let's see. None of us can relate to what you're going thru, because none of us obvioulsy work in the underworld. Also, only one of us is in a relationship, and can't make a comment on a long standing infidelity driven side project. Your wife sounds like a big dumb tomatoe for not knowing any better, especially considering that you sound like you're Rocky's mental stunt double. Here's a hint you retarded breadstick! Murder is WRONG! Cheating on your wife is WRONG! What is this, 1935? Since when is calling women "broads" back in? Stop living your life like you're James Cagney for five minutes, and realize that your first problem lies in the way that you view the world. You sound like a big dysfunctional gangster. Maybe you should see Dr.Melfi, and divulge your troubles... You friggin' Moron. -chris

Trevor	Some of you may have already guessed this, but I am not the Italian in the band. But don't let that fool you, I have one hell of a patch of chest hair. Anyway, while attempting to do some research into your custom to better answer your question, I found myself in a Pete Townshend type situation and have decided to not search anymore for "italian baby pictures" on google. This leaves me not knowing much of your crazy customs, but I have made some assumptions in coming up with my advice: Your wife will never understand Italians. I went to a predominently Italian high school, and I never knew what the hell was going on (assumption #1-all Italians speak too fast). So tell her to ride it out, and to look forward to a good life, as a drywaller or foreman on a concrete crew can make a lot of money (assumption #2-one of these is your career). Besides, little Tony will still grow up normal but will still be embarrassed by these picture in the future (assumption #3-your kid's name is Tony). -Cake Kealey
Steve	Yes Pasquale, I am the Italian member of the group...my family hails from the southlands of Italy. Word of advice - don't ever go there, it's a shithole. Canada is much nicer. Being a fellow pepperoni, I totally understand your dilemma and how our traditions seem a little bizarre and offensive to your Polish wife and her family. I think you just need to assure her that this is normal Italian behaviour and once the baby reaches the age of 30 or 35, you'll probably stop taking these kinds of photos for good. Viva Italia!
Paul	As a male model I can sympethize for you. I was in that same position when I was a child. It was those baby photos that got me my first modelling job. Ever since then my parents, girlfriends, and friends have scrutinized me for showing my "wares". Now that I'm 25 I am starting to slowly convince my family and friends that this is what I enjoy doing. I was born to be in front of a camera. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Paul Townsend?" What I'm getting at here is that nobody is getting hurt with these harmless photos, and while it might take some time to convince others, they will hopefully come around.
Chris	Hey Pat, As my brother in arms, Steve Palmerino, goes and starts stomping grapes with his feet, and jumping on the FIAT that they call The Italian Bandwagon, I will give you my take on this. I'm accustomed to this practice. The size of a male baby's johnson are a major thing when taking baby pictures. I once had a girlfriend, Alyson, who was Jewish, and she made me sit through a bris. You know what that is? It's when Jewish people party for getting a baby boy circumsized. My reaction was less than polite as this 4000 year old ritual took place. I made an official statement during the procedure, which didn't liken me to Alyson's parents. I upset the baby, and really upset the family for criticizing the methods that they used. I'll admit, I was a little shaken at the sight of seeing a penis being carved up like a Xmas turkey, (...albeit a baby one, but still a penis), but I should have known better than to hit the scalpel out of the rabbi's hand, grab the baby, and try to run away. As I ran like Carl Lewis down the street, I was screaming to everyone that heard me, "They're gonna cut his wang!". After being picked up by the cops, Alyson's parents didn't press charges, but we ended up breaking up over it. I thought I was doing good, but my inability to try to understand the traditions of the old world, cost me dearly. Your wife has to be realistic, and also respectful. Taking naked baby pictures is a norm, and although I don't find it weird,....blowing the picture up to hang in the social club, is something that I think she should be able to deal with. Italians are passionate people. This is sometimes a scary thing for the cakes, and they can get intimidated. As far as I'm concerned, to make things this extreme over something that trivial, is worthless, and a reaction like that should be saved for when she finds out about your mistress....(which I'm assuming you have, because what the hell kind of Italian are you if you don't...). As usual, my advice flows like wine.... -chris

Trevor	Dude, I watched Bridezillas last night and I'm fearing for you. I couldn't sleep thinking 'what if Seamus has landed himself one of these obsessive brides?'. So I offer this advice: don't get married just to get married. But don't not get married just because you think it will change everything. But if you don't not get married, then don't think things won't not change. It's not like the ceremony is the end of your life. Things in your relationship shouldn't not stay the same after the wedding, they should! Hopefully that will clear up some of the confusion. NIGHTMARE GIRLFRIEND STORY: I had a crush on this girl, but the bad part was that she was my best friend's older sister. So we'd be playing football at the park and she'd come along and I'd be the punter, and she'd offer to hold the ball. But everytime I went to kick the ball she would pull it away. I often sustained concussions. Come to think of it that whole family was crazy. My friend carried his blanket with him everywhere, and their parent's spoke like muted trumpets.
Steve	Guys...this charade has gone on too long...I'm Seamus.
Paul	First of all let me compliment you on your movie selection. I'm a huge Shaquille fan. I really felt that he was limited, as an actor, in Kazam but I think he really won people over with he brilliant performance in Steel. The way he portrayed a simple man wanting to make a difference was breathtaking. But enough about Shaquille. Lets get on to your problem. I have heard this dilema time after time and I have the same response. Why do you think marriage will "change everything"? I'm sure after 8 years that you do all the same things a married couple would do. The only difference is that you don't have a piece of paper to say it is official. I think you should make a decision about where you life is going. Does it involve your girlfriend? If it does then talk to your girlfriend and tell her that you are afraid that things will change and you will lose your freedom. I'm sure that if you love each other enough that you will understand each others needs to go blow off some steam at 80's night. On the other hand, if you don't see her in your future, break things off. You are wasting both yours and her time. Hope that helps. NIGHTMARE GIRLFRIEND STORY: Since I wrote so much before I'll make this short. Dating a neat freak. Everything was spotless and had its own exaxt spot to be. I mean who organizes their clothes alphabetically!? Too much to handle.....
Chris	MAN! Shaquille O'Neal is awesome! Best scene in a movie: When we dons the newly blacksmithed steel mask in STEEL before engaging some kriminalz! On another note...your girlfriend has kind of a good reason for being upset. If you've been together for 8 years, and she's dropping hints like that, I'm assuming that it's not the first time. You also sound like you're not ready to get married, and have probably been kind of oblivious to catching onto her signals. My advice is this...Discuss your future, and realize what is best for both of you. If you have no intention of hooking up ever, then she best be clear on that in a big way. Never stay in a relationship if it's not developing according to your needs....plus y'all been together for 8 years! Like DUDE! NIGHTMARE GIRLFRIEND STORY: Dating a schizophrenic. We were really cool for six months, then she started doing stuff like talking to transistor radios, shouting in supermarkets and at movies, and playing/building with LEGO all of the time. After confronting her about these sudden new behavioural traits, she said that I was a secret agent, and that she refused to tell me anything about her real boyfriend. When she met my parents, she punched my dad in the face, and tried to harvest my dog's paws for what she called, "Communion". I shudder as I write.... -chris
	Anyone want an autograph?

Trevor	The first step to acheiving any sort of chick related rockandroll success is to sell your soul to the devil. When you do so, make sure to get the "hot lady" clause in the contract, that way you won't just be playing to dudes. I tried to find the picture of us signing the contract with Satan, but one of the other guys must have it. It would have been a good picture, but Satan's eyes were closed.
Steve	If there's one thing girls hate, it's dishonesty - so you shouldn't tell them how you're going to trick them into coming to your shows. Do a little research and find out what band(s) hot girls really like, you'll probably discover that it's stuff like Sheryl Crow and the Dixie Chicks...not really "rock" material, but you have to respect the hot girls' tastes, after all, you're trying to impress them right? Now organize a fake show at a local club with these bands and put your band as the opener...and promote the hell out of it! By the time the show rolls around you'll be playing to a room full of fine ladies...problem solved. Sean, I'd love to give you that hot girl's phone number, I mean you seem like a really nice and genuine guy...but she's my roommate, so I'd actually be giving you my phone number and I have a policy against doing that...because for all I know you're some kind of weirdo.
Paul	I think what needs to be explained is "The Snowball Effect". This, in my opinion, is the reason for our ample female crowd. The theory is based around the simple fact that girls like to hang around girls. What you need to do is get one girl to come to your show. This girl will probably feel uncomfortable going alone so she will invite one of her girlfriends (do you see where this is going?.....). The second part of this theory also has to do with comfort. Girls don't really like to be in dark places with a ton of guys. Once you get a hand full of girls at a show the word will get out (through the girl grapevine) and next thing you know it you will have a harem of lovely ladies swaying in the front row.
Chris	Hey Man, To be honest with you, I have no idea why the band has so many hot ass chicks at all of our shows. I've played in bands where all the groupies have either obesity issues, or hooks for hands....(sometimes even both)....and was pleasantly surprised to find that The Setbacks have a Playboy Mansion effect on the music scene, if you will. The last show, while wearing my velour jacket, with 6 women all with 36DDD breasts on my arms, I was thinking about why, and realized the one thing that we do. We rock. If you rock, the women will come. I guarantee it. Here's a little sample for your band improvement itinerary. When and if you rock, get used to having some fine ass 36 DDD women making you eggs in the morning, and shaving your beard. It's phenomerific. Take it Eaz.. Chris

Trevor	I know when the Setbacks are feeling down, we like to have a movie night at Chris' house. We rent a couple of romantic comedies, and the light hearted, predictable script where the good guy always wins makes us feel better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that renting a movie will clear up your cloudy skies, but rather it is from these movies that I draw my advice. Movies like Sweet Home Alabama, Notting Hill, Two Weeks Notice, or really anything with Hugh Grant. The lesson learned from these films is that there are two kinds of guys in the world: the fun loving, free spirited dude who shows up to steal the girl's heart (even though it's always made to look like it was meant to be)and then there is the stuffy guy, sometimes slimy, but often just the rock solid with the best intentions. He already has the girl, but seems destined to lose her when the first guy rolls into town. Unfortunately you sound like guy #2. Sitting at home watching tapes of Survivor, while guy #1 is out partying with your girl. If your life was a romantic comedy, I'd say this is the part near the end of the movie where the girl needs to finally own up to the situation and make a choice, and she will pick guy #1, and you will no longer be mentioned. This is also the point in the movie where Steve cries, I take my third washroom break, Chris runs out of Smart Food, and Paul makes his tenth batch of smores. I realize this isn't so much advice as it is a prediction, so my advice is just to ride it out, and then write a script about it, sell it to a studio and get rich as the movie hits #1 at the box office. Try to give it a fluffy name and try to get Sandra Bullock and Hugh Jackman to play the couple. You can be played by Neil Patrick Harris.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Kick his ass after he finishes work with a crowbar, and or brass knuckles. Being Italian, I have many members of my immediate and inner family that have extensive experience with getting money, extortion, and or regulating and dealing with punks who disresepect you. Let me give you and example. August 12th, 1983. Outside Pushman Park, South Keys. Chris is chased down by three thugs on a bike for telling one thug that his mother has an acute case of Herpes, only learning that the thug's mother had recently cheated on the thug's father, and the nucleus of the family had imploded, causing mass maddness and anger...Chris furthers the insult by insinuating that he was the individual that his aggressor's mom had indulged with. Thugs go crazy, bike chase ensues... As chase ensues, Chris belittles the thugs with jokes and rants about them wearing Hypercolor T shirts, and shopping at BIWAY. THUGS go absoloutely nuts. Chris strategically runs to his uncle Vince's house, a well known businessman and resturanteur on Preston street. Chris has enough time to divulge the info concerning the situation, and Uncle Vince acknowledges the timeframe. Uncle Vince, or Zio Vincenzo as I call him...grabs the chainsaw from the garage as the thugs amass on his lawn. Chris stares from the house window, as Uncle Vince revs the saw and approaches the thugs. Thugs immediately begin shitting their pants, and crying. Vince grabs one of their bikes, and saws he handlebar gribs off, and insists that if the bastard's mother wasn't such a tramp, she wouldn't have cheated on his father. Uncle Vince insists on agreement from all thugs, thugs agree, and swiftly run away, but not before my uncle takes one of the other bikes and presents me with a very early Confirmation present. Lesson learned: Intimidation is a key factor, and you don't even have to raise your fists. Suggestion: Since you already received a beating, you'll have to respond to the act of aggression and disrespect by retaliating. Get your best baseball bat, and go to this mouli's house. Ring the doorbell or apartment buzzer, and when he opens the door, hit him about ten centimeters below the kness, on the fibula bone of the front legs. This will end any sports career he may have had planned, and it will also incapacitate him to immediately respond to the attack. If lucky, you will break both of his chip bones, which connect the fibula to the kneecap, and you can get your point across a lot better. After that, do what you will. All's fair in a fight, and a dirty one at that. Take it eaz... chris