The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	One thing for sure is don't hide in the bushes or violate your parole, most people know how to beat that kind of stalking. The key to good stalking is the little things, like phone taps or wireless hidden cameras. You can get tiny ones on the internet. I've seen that ads. The ads all say you can use the camera to protect your loved ones and house, but they always seem to have a picture of a beautiful woman. That leads me to believe the real use is stalking! Take them up on their offer. Any company that advertises through incessant anonymous emails must be trustworthy.
Steve	If he tries to befriend you or get the police involved, that's a sign that he's receiving good advice from a wise person....and that he's completely spineless and dependent, and probably not worth stalking.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Say goodbye, then wear disguises at all times around him. Looking like Kenny Rogers will throw him off. Say stuff to him like... "Hey, I'm Kenny Rogers...have you ever tried the quarter roast chicken deluxe with mash and gravy at my national chain of Kenny Rogers' Roasters?" Also, sing The Gambler when you near him...

Trevor	Mr. Margarine, If you aren't slippery enough to stop that stalker yourself, here's my advice from someone who's been on the other side of the fence. There are a lot of stalking techniques that she may be using, so these are just a couple of scenarios: If she's hiding in your bushes, throw rocks at your bushes - nothing ruins a good bush stalk like a rock in the head. Soon she'll stop hiding there. If she's showing up wherever you go, go somewhere she doesn't like to go - somewhere that might violate her parole. Soon she'll stop following you.
Steve	I've alerted the police to your situation. In the meantime, just be her friend.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Punch her in the face! Tell her that you're busy! Alert your parents! Say that you have leprosy! Jump on her abdomen! Say that you have schizophrenia! Say that you really like R.Kelly! Say that you've joined the North American Man Boy Love Association! Say that you have a boyfriend in jail! These should throw her off....if that doesn't work....bring her to Vanier, and drop her off at the shadiest corner you can find.

Trevor	Ms. Beatnik, I regret to inform you that as property of Setbacks Inc., Steve has no legal right to make his own decision. To arrange to meet Steve please send your proposal, including any references and similar meeting experiences you may have to our head office. Many people don't know that the Setback Inc. group of companies makes many of the items you use everyday. The Corporation owns a lumber mill, Arby's, and North America's largest graphite processing plant.
Steve	Whoo! Boy...this is a tough one. You see...um...being Steve, I'm not really sure how to help you out with this predicament. On the one hand, I can't seem to shake this nagging feeling that you're just some jackass friend of mine playing a joke...but on the other hand, if you are who you say you are, then I'm very flattered. Tell you what - next time you see me, walk on up and say "hi"...we'll become awesome friends! It'll be radical!
Paul	That is awesome that we are reaching the "hippie" population out there. We are slowly breaking through to new audiences. We have the rock crowd and now the hippie crowd. Next we need to work on getting the punks out and maybe some of the emo kids. Hopefully we will eventually bring all crowds together for a huge Rock Fest. Anyways, talking to any one of us shouldn't be a problem since you at least have an opening line. Either you can ask us about our music or Chris's unbearable body odour.
Chris	If your name is actually Roz Beatnik, then you should plan the Menendez style execution of your parents for naming you that. Do you have a brothers named Rivers & Leaves? It's cool you're into Steve. He's a nice and nice man. When you see him next time, dingle his dingleberries.

	Hi guys, the original R.Kelly here. I'm really disappointed to see this young R.Kelly dragging my good name through the mud and preventing my song "Heaven I Need a Hug" from being a part of this special day for you. When I wrote the song after winning my second cup with the Toronto Maple Leafs, I hoped that the happiness I found in writing it could be shared with people like you, Maude. It's a shame that it can't be that way. Thanks for your letter and take care.
Trevor	R. Kelly's well documented legal problems give me the creeps. I can no longer listen to him sing without needing to take a shower. As much significance the song may have to you, I can't listen without picturing him singing to a 15 year old girl. I don't know if you've noticed, but a lot of his songs contain sexual innuendo. He doesn't really only want to put his "keys" in your "ignition", there's another meaning there... My advice: pick a song that may be more significant to both you and your partner, as this is his day as well as yours. For example, there are many power ballads that serve this purpose beautifully. Every Rose Has Its Thorn still makes me cry. Also, if sexual innuendo is what your after on your wedding day, try early Red Hot Chilli Peppers' "Sir Psycho Sexy" or ZZTop's "Pearl Necklace".
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Well I would hate to give another "syrupy" answer but....... This is a tough one. I think I could maybe let things slide if R. Kelly got caught for possetion or disturbing the peace but child porn is pretty bad. This song had better mean A LOT to you. I shouldn't really be telling you this because I wanted to keep a secret for my wedding but I'll let you in on it. It will be the greatest day in my life so I don't see how I couldn't play "Paradise City" by Guns and Roses. I have it all planned out; as soon as I start to walk down the aisle everyone in the church will start to clap the intro......... It will be the greatest monster ballad ever.
Chris	Maude Slipowicz! Get into a car, douse the vehicle head to foot in kerosene, and light a zippo as you drive off a cliff at Thelma & Louise type speeds.

Trevor	As an advice columnist my first job is to protect your safety. Please do not eat the pill. Some cyanide pills are wrapped in a plastic casing which can be toxic, and may even kill you. I would also recommend calling your local branch of the ministry of labour, as most parts of the world have minimum wage requirements well above the $4.35 you're making. In Ontario, even circus animals are required to make more than you. Here's an inspirational quote for you: "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey
Steve	Have you ever considered selling your eggs to make a little extra money on the side? I have a friend who will pay top dollar for ovaries. You don't have to decide right now, just think about it. Call me when you figure things out.
Paul	I think you need a change. Look for another job. There is a lot out there. All you have to do is look for it. Maybe you could take some night school to learn a new skill. Another tip for you is to get rid of the cyanide capsule that hangs around your neck. That can't be a good motivator......... and I'm sure that the ladies might have a couple questions about it. Good luck.
Chris	Well...as I ponder this question, I took the time to count how many times Paul has given syrupy helpful and kind advice over the course of this W.W.S.D. experience. If someone needs advice about something really gross and tragic, you can count on Paul to say something Stuart Smalley-like such as..."Good Luck", and "It's Perfectly Normal...". Having a cyanide capsule around your neck is NOT normal, nor is working in a call center for a Central-American style wage of $4.35 hourly!! Trevor is right...I've heard of kids working in sweat shops at least getting some dental... You should also be asking yourself why the hell you dropped out in grade 9! I was no scholar in high school, believe you me, but at least I waited it out until grade 11 to get a crap-load of spares, and play Euchre and drink in the parking lot. Did you have a kid or something? MAN! Immediately call a correspondence association, or something... If you are considering killing yourself over your job, you need to find a new one....and you're in luck. Getting a basic job working at a place like Subway will pay you the legally regulated minimum wage, which is in the neighbourhood of like...$8.00 an hour. I work at the Subway at Merivale Mall. If you want, I can talk to my manager and see if we need another artist...A SANDWICH ARTIST.

Trevor	Again, I don't know how to answer this one. I will however be more sensitive to your problem than my band mates. I guess I'm going to have to suggest the 'car ride' analogy. If you're going on a long drive then make sure you 'go' before, because we're not stopping! AND IF YOU KEEP ON HITTING YOUR BROTHER I'M GOING TO TURN THIS CAR AROUND AND WE WON'T BE GOING TO DISNEYLAND AT ALL!!!! Sorry, I got a little too deep into character there. But the bottom line remains the same: it's easy to get carried away and ruin a family vacation. And I've still never been to California as a result.
Steve	Hey Trevor, it's your kindered spirit!! Aren't Depends supposed to be for people who've lost bladder control, not people who have a small bladder that is a big inconvenience on their lives? I think I've seen enough commercials with senior citizens not worrying about peeing themselves (and having the time of their lives) at dances in community centres to learn that much. What would the Setbacks do? Well, if we read your ad in the paper we'd probably all have a good laugh at your expense and then revert back to making fun of Chris' Italian heritage. Pee-Diddy, sometimes the truth hurts.
Paul	This is quite the dilema that you are in. Since there is no "cure" that I know of for this type of problem I have to suggest an alternative to Depends. Check this site out. This could free you from all that diaper rash. Good luck. www.stadiumpal.com
Chris	Good God Allmighty, this hands down wins the weirdest question award if there were ever such a coveted trophy. Your dilemma is much worse than anything I have ever encountered. Are you a man or a woman???...maybe I missed something in the question. A really un-cool thing when trying to get some, is a partner who must constantly urinate, and god forbid, someone who urinates on you. Some people might be into that, but no way not me. My suggestion: Have your bladder removed surgically.

Trevor	Listen Wim, I really don't know what to tell you. Lately the advice being sought has been getting stranger and stranger, almost a little too far fetched to even garner a response. So I'll simply tell you this: you're screwed.
Steve	I suspect that you are not the internationally renowned film director with the same name...therefore, I will offer you no advice.
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	After thinking long and hard about this one, I have three options that I've come up with that might fly here... 1. Learn to speak with your hands, and pretend that you're deaf. 2. Become a board member at Wrigley or Listerine. 3. Have your lower intestine and stomach removed.

Trevor	A good way to get this guy off your back is to try to pick him up next time your there. Start dancing closely and whispering in his ear, then dance closer and closer until he gets uncomfortable and wants to leave. He'll never want to go there (or anywhere) with you again. This can however backfire on you, but then you might find a great long lasting relationship with your roomie. You never know where or when you'll find true love!
Steve	Guys...I have a confession. I'm Saul. I know that everything you're saying about the Bulldog, Minglewoods and the Cabin is totally sarcastic and you're just making fun of them. I don't see what's wrong with going out to a nice bar and showing off your muscles, clothes, car and jewelry to some attractive (and barely legal) ladies. It's a great way to simultaneously show how tough and cool you are. Plus... you can really impress the ladies by pouding the piss out of any guys that look at you the wrong way as you waddle in the front door with your "46-inches of pure steroids" chest. I just realized that by typing the words "barely legal" and "46-inches of horse penis" I probably just tripled our web site hits.
Paul	First of all, I don't think Saul is the one with the problem. What you have to realize is that the Bulldog is one of the coolest places in Ottawa. They only let in Ottawa's most elite. The thing that I love about the Bulldog is the fact that I can go to a place where I can talk about and show off how much money that I have with all my leather jacket wearing peers. Nobody judges you by what you are wearing. It is just a great warm, inviting place to go. I think you should give the Bulldog a second chance.
Chris	I have to agree with Paul on this one. The Bulldog is THEE place to be. My friends and I were planning a night on the town. Half of them had tickets to a Senators game, free booze, box seats..., followed by a great modern art exhibit at the National Arts Center, followed by a gala. The other half wanted to go to The Bulldog, pound $7 drinks with way to much ice, and listen to a frat house full of jocks talk about hockey, Creed, and Vin Diesel. I opted to go to The Bulldog of course. There's nothing like fraternizing with a bunch of J.LO Ginas, while enjoying the mix cassette that the DJ loves while he pretends that he's scratching records....awesome. Here's a trick....when you walk in, do one of the following. Throw a hockey puck into the pool of guys that are in that place every time, and see what happens, and/or...yell...."FIGHT!!!", and see what happens. My advice about Solomon, or whatever you're friend's name is...tell him that you don't like the Bulldog, and that you'd prefer to go to a place like Minglewoods or The Cabin instead. Everyone knows that those are real Ottawa hangouts!

Trevor	Be yourself. There is no better advice, because if you do your best to impress the ladies by doing things that you wouldn't normally do, she is going to be disappointed when she finds out you ain't all that. So just keep doing what you want to do, and be yourself, and someone will find you, and you will find someone. Then you can kiss, and go for a walk, and if the moon is full you can point it out to her.
Steve	Bobby, you need to re-invent yourself...get a new name and a new personality to go with it. From this point on you will be called Rico. Rico likes his cars fast and his women faster. Rico will fuck you up cause he's one mean fuck of a fuck. Good luck!
Paul	Well, since this question deals with women, I am probably just as confused as you but I do have some suggestions. I think women can sense desparation (similar to an animal sensing fear). This explains the confidence comments. Since I am in your same position of "needing" a girlfriend I can sympothize with you. What I think you (and I) need to do is stop thinking that we have to have a girlfriend. This will make the rejection process less painfull. Live your life. If you see a girl that looks interesting to you, talk to her. If you get rejected, it isn't the end of your life. You will meet someone eventually (at least that is what I tell myself to help me sleep at night).
Chris	I agree with Paul on this one. I'm convinced not only women though, can sense desperation. I think that guys also can sense desperation very acutely, and will find that characteristic in a potential mate, very unbecoming. You should start doing things like hanging with your buds, slamming beers, and souping your car up not to meet chicks, but to make yourself happy. Everyone, I'm convinced, is in search of a mate. Some of us take a little more time to find one, or are sold on people a little harder. Some of us don't even know what we're looking for, and when it kicks us in the ass, it's a surprise. Some of us so want to be in love and get married and all that jazz so bad....that we constantly think about it until we inadvertently develop a sidearm to our own sometimes great personalities. This sidearm represents the desperate want and desire that we often conciously or unconciously wither in to. My advice...start living and stop focusing on the one thing that none of us can truly just GET on the fly....and that's love and companionship. Also, try renting Can't Buy Me Love with Patrick Dempsey! It's the hilarious tale of a high school nerd who falls for the most popular girl at school, changes his looks, fits in, and then learns that he truly can't buy LOVE.

Trevor	My advice would definitely be to take advantage of the situation. Your father is undoubtedly embarassed by this whole situation, and you can use that. Blackmail him into giving you money, if he doesn't you'll blow this wide open and tell all his friends that he's living in a garbage bin. Who knows, if you play your cards right he may even buy you a car, or even better, rewrite his will to give you his garbage bin!
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	I think most kids, when they get older, want to pay back their parents for all the things they did for them growing up. Here is your chance. I suggest you find your Dad the biggest empty refrigerator box you can find. He will love you for it.
Chris	Give him a hot bowl of soup, and be his friend! He's your dad! Also, ask him why he's living in a can. If my father lived in a can, I'd be slightly upset, especially after ruining the Mars Bar experience I just had!