The Setbacks

What Would the Setbacks Do?

Many, Many Souls Saved Since 2002

Here's where we, the Setbacks, get a chance to answer your questions and give general advice on anything you'd like to ask us.

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Trevor	This is a tough question. The Setbacks even discussed it at last night's practice, which is odd because we normally wait until everyone answers a question to discuss it. Well this one was different. We even asked outside sources for help. Some people became quite embarassed when we asked what "tossing her salad" meant. Natalie from Sorority Song (the record label that is helping us for our next release) was so uncomfortable that she couldn't tell us while looking at us. She answered while talking into a pillow. Our friend Maritia just got back from England, and she had all sorts of answers for us. She was almost too eager to explain some of the terms. She said she heard it all from the British Military. I don't know what that means, but apparently part of their training involves sexual innuendo. What is even stranger is that she has nothing to do with the British Military. Anyway, keep asking people, soon you'll find someone who will explain these things too you. I am uncomfortable writing the definitions out here, as that kind of thing does not belong on the internet.
Steve	In these times of need, I often turn towards a higher power... such as ZZ Top. Let's see if they can shed some light on the subject: She was gettin' bombed, And I was gettin' blown away, And she took it in her hand, And this is what she had to say: A pearl necklace. She wanna pearl necklace. Thank God for those two guitar-slinging wise men! Yet again the infinite wisdom stored in their long beards has provided me with clarity in cloudy times. You see, he's referring to a special act where a woman and a man... um... I think your best bet is to talk to some of the older boys at your school to get the specific details, but I hope this is a push in the right direction.
Paul	Doing some research on the subject I found a website to help all your needs. A tip is to print it off and put it beside your bed as a reference guide. Good luck. http://gyral.blackshell.com/sex.html
Chris	I once had a girlfriend who insisted on me "Plucking Her Chickens". I had no idea what she was talking about, and was further frustrated by her inability to use clear terminology when attempting to let me know about her desires. I am telling you forthright that she is trying to tell you something related to the bedroom...know what I mean? Maybe she would like sensual massage, much like the creamy experience of Salad Dressing when she says that wants her salad tossed. Perhaps, she would like the milky smooth touch of your hand when referring to having her burgers flipped, or receiving a pearl necklace. I often ask my mother about these mysterious mysteries concerning women. Moms always give good advice about stuff like this, because often they are asking our dads to toss their salads, and fluff their pillows, and give them pearl necklaces, and flip their hot dog buns, and whatever...all the time. Your mother can give you the heads up on these encrypted codes that women use during the courting ritual...ask her. Once you know, you and your girlfriend can fully enjoy each other's company. p.s. Remember to be specific when talking to Mummy! Best, Chris

Trevor	So you think we have cool hair? Which one of us are you referring to? Dave Matthews, Wayne Gretzky circa 1986, the extra from That 70's Show, or the guy who cuts it himself? I recently switched barbers. I was no longer satisfied with the service at Super Sam's on Bell Street. The last straw was getting the 3rd chair and being worked on for 55 minutes by a bald guy wearing a "Barber School of Ottawa" smock, which he had just pulled out of his back pack to start working. Bottom line is, you need to have an Italian or at least a Lebanese dude cut your hair. I've just now noticed that you are a girl, so my advice may not be the best, as you may want styling tips. For thick hair, two simple words: goldfish feces.
Steve	"What do you mean you want me to hold the fucking bowl, mom?"
Paul	Well, I have absolutely no idea what it is like to have thick hair since I have the thinnest hair humanly possible. As for haircuts, I absolutely hate them. I don't really know if it is the fact that you have a stranger handling your hair, or trying to explain how you want your hair to look, or the fact that no matter how much they brush/blow-dry/cover/wrap you up, you still end up with little hairs down your back. What I've been doing for about the past 5-6 years is getting a really short haircut and then letting it grow until it really begins to bug me. This reduces me to a haircut or two a year. On an unrelated note: I saw the movie "Powder" the other day. It was amazing.
Chris	I usually tell my Barber to ensure that my receeding hairline is styled and fashioned in a way that lets me hold court with guys like Dave Matthews and Matthew McConaughey. I've lost a little hair in the last little bit..especially after seeing a three year old SETBACKS video, when we were known as SLACKJAW, where I had a Simba-like mane of Samson power hair. I had enough hair to put into a turban and hang with Sikhs. The usual direction to my barber/stylist is this... Don't touch the top at all, although they will always complain about this, and shave/fade the sides. This produces the best fake-off result. That's my two cents. On another note, I walked into a room the other day and found Steve and Paul cuddling naked, watching the movie, "Powder".

Trevor	Be yourself. And not just for a couple of weeks. If you don't reach your goal keep at it, because love is for life, so a couple of years of being yourself around him isn't that long in the big picture. If that doesn't work, try wearing a wig. Also, don't act ditzy if you aren't ditzy. Guys hook up with ditzy girls, they don't usually fall in love with ditzy girls. Especially if they are only pretending to be ditzy. I've never typed the word 'ditzy' so many times in one paragraph. I can't wait to put that in my diary tonight!
Steve	It's obvious that you're in love with the "tone it down" guy. I'll bet if you approach him you'll find that he feels the exact same way about you. If you want to cut the tension a bit just picture him without pants... but don't stare because that makes guys feel really uncomfortable.
Paul	I'll tell you what I like in a girl. I definitely think you should be yourself. I would hate to think that I am going out with a ditzy girl and then find out later that I'm actually with a smart girl. It isn't a good way to start a relationship. Another thing that I like is a girl who lives and dies for Monster Trucks and NASCAR. I absolutely melt when I see a girl in cut-off jeans and a Gravedigger t-shirt. It gives you something to talk about.
Chris	overachievers can be sexy. wear a schoolgirl uniform, and insist that you want only A's in his sexual class of anatomy. then proceed to peel his pants off like the skin of an orange, then do a Scores type dance in front of his face, then put your legs behind your head, and then spray beer all over the audience with your breasts, then have an encounter with another woman. whoops....relayed into Trevor's bachelor party why don't you just say that you like him? he probably likes you too, and wants to make you a cheese sandwich!

Trevor	I'm going to tell you the same thing I keep telling Steve when he says he wants a monkey: I don't think it will be quite as fun as you think. How many "little friends" do you have that will shit all over the place, and likely even throw the feces at you? Hopefully not many, because one is too many. But I'm still encouraging Steve to get one, only because I could visit it and not have to clean it, or house it, or comb it, or walk it, or build a giant biosphere in my basement so it can live in the proper environment. But seeing as I don't really know you, Edward, I will not be able to visit you and your monkey, and therefore I would not benefit from you getting a monkey. So I'm going to recommend that you not get one.
Steve	Edward, I think we're kindered spirits. I've spent many nights thinking about the idea of having a monkey as a pet, so I'm really happy that you wrote in a question on the topic. From the research I've done, it sounds like the best place to get a monkey is the jungle. Apparently they just roam around free, so if you're looking to meet that special primate servant/friend, this would be a good place to start. The best part about finding a monkey in the jungle is that they're totally free. That's right, because they're wild animals living in their natural environment nobody can claim to own them. So don't bother bringing your wallet, because you won't need it. Now, is all this legal you ask? Of course it is. If you bring a monkey into Canada you will have to pay duty and GST to get it through customs. They calculate these figures based on the value of the monkey, but since you will have obtained yours free and clean for the low price of $0.00, you'll just whisk through customs and onto a long life with your new monkey servant. Best of luck!
Paul	Good news and bad news Edward. The good news is that they must be available to the public because I'm pretty sure that Chris has one. The bad news is that there is a chance that you can get a bad one. I know this because Chris is always talking about how he has to spank his.
Chris	Hey Bossman, I think you better rethink your strategy and rent "Every Which Way But Loose". Monkeys will kill your ass in your sleep, and for proof and back up, rent "Monkey Shines" as an example. BTW....monkeys have giant everything, and love smacking you around and acting like pervs.

Trevor	You don't need to know how many partner's he's had. However, he should be checked for all the nasties down below. It just makes sense. But if he refuses that, and says he has no past, I'd be worried. It could be he has no past because he's in the witness relocation plan, or he's on the run from the law. You need to get his fingerprints somehow and get them to the police station to determine who Ted really is. I've seen their fingerprint recognition software on CSI. They put it in a computer and soon they find a match and they click a button and the two fingerprints glide into eachother on the screen and then the dude says "97% exact match". It's very sophisticated. The only way to beat a sneak is by being sneaky, so get his fingerprints from his coffe mug, or the doorhandle when he leaves. You can order a detective kit from the back cover of most Archie comic books. That should have everything you need to dust for prints.
Steve	(via mobile phone in London) Thanks for coming to us when you did. Situations like this are very serious and must be handled with extreme care. Now, just to make sure I understand you completely... you said that you are 22 years old and you're a VIRGIN? Is your father Ned Flanders? Geez, no wonder Ted clams up...you really need to get some experience so you're at least in the same league with him. He probably feels like he just bought a brand new baseball glove that's completely stiff and the championship game is tomorrow. What he needs is a worn-in old glove that's been around the diamond a few times...you catch my drift? Cheers.
Paul	Well, to add to my bandmate Steve "stick-it-in-anything" Palmer's advice. I would like to remind you that you hold the power right now. You have the most to give and lose right now. Simply make it clear that he gets tested or he doesn't get any. I mean married couples are supposed to share everything but I doubt it that you want to share his crabs.
Chris	That is really nuts and crazy. I wouldn't trust him. He could have cold sores on his privates.

Trevor	The practice of wooing women is often considered the last of the gentlemen's arts. Though that does not mean it is easy; the road is wrought with many perils such as heartbreak and gonorrhea. Many ancient tribes won women in the manner that most animals do today. You must prove your worth to the female by dressing up in the most magnificent plummage. You must be willing to stand taller and act tougher in order to catch her eye. And should the occasional scrap break out, you need to pummel your opponent for fear of the female thinking you unworthy. Of course, don't take me literally. What you should do is make sure you are dressed nice relative to the others in your class. Seeing as how you are in computer classes, that should not be too hard. Get rid of the star trek t-shirts and get yourself some deodorant. That should put you miles ahead. Plus winning a fight shouldn't be too hard. Go ahead and start one in front of her. Pick someone you can definitely beat. I'll leave the rest to the others. Good luck, anonymous.
Steve	(via mobile phone in London) Hey anonymous, thanks for the question. So, let me get this straight - despite your huge crush (which you've kept a secret so far) and a friendship that *may* be forming, she still hasn't thrown herself at your feet? Sounds like she's a tough nut to crack. I think it's time to bring out the heavy artillery. All women are the same - they like their guys to be dangerous. I suggest adopting a whole new bad-ass identity and she'll be putty in your hands. Start with quitting your class, because there's nothing dangerous about programming (unless of course you choose to not properly comment your code, but that's just foolish) and get yourself a leather jacket and a motorcycle. If this doesn't make your intentions clear, I don't know what will...well, maybe just walking up to her and asking her on a date could work but I wouldn't recommend something as un-dangerous as that.
Paul	// //Here is a fail proof program that will help you out. // int main (LOVE FINDER) int a = anonymous; int b = computer girl; int love = a function of happiness { if (a + b = love) return (hugs + kisses); else return (must be a lesbian); } // //good luck //
Chris	Anonymous, My suggestion is this. Rent the movie, Say Anything, with John Cusack, and learn from the lessons of Lloyd. He was the master of getting the girl's heart...and if it requires you to adopt raincoats as a fashion staple, and boomboxes held over your head as an actual technique employed for gaining the adoration of women...then do it. I'm serious...rent the movie, and you'll know what I'm talking about.

Trevor	It is good that you have been going out on dates. I think either of you attempting to learn a second language will ruin your relationship. Ignorance is bliss. If you learn to communicate with her, you will likely find you have less and less in common with every phrase learned. For example, you may find that while you have been having a good time, and think you've been getting along, she has been trying to communicate her complete and utter disgust at the way you live your life. No one needs to hear that!
Steve	The language of love is universal, and doesn't require spoken or written words. If you're having trouble speaking love, then you might be barking up the wrong tree... (i.e. she is a *he*) Are you sure she's not a man? Have you checked under the hood?
Paul	When I got my first mail order Russian bride I encountered this same problem. I mean, sure, we both enjoyed long walks on the beach and Jean Claude Van Damme movies but struggling with an English to Russian dictionary to translate "I've never seen a man do the splits like that" just takes too long. With a little work and some Russian and English lessons we were slowly able to communicate much better. If you love the person enough you shouldn't let the language barrier get in the way. My Russian bride Julia (I think that is her name....) and I have never been happier.
Chris	Learn the language. If she's Russian or Japanese, good luck. You know how hard that shit is? Each alphabet has like a million charcaters! or Don't learn the language, and just learn the international signing for "SEX" or "ALCOHOL". This way, she'll know the fundamentals. Not learning the language is one hell of a lot easier, trust me. After Steve's fiasco with learning Russian for Svetlana two years ago, which was a disaster, all the guy wanted to talk about was Lenin and Russia's role in the second world war.

Trevor	I'm afraid that this advice column is tearing this band apart! Chris and Steve have used the last few to just rip into each other. And since someone called Paul out by daring him to put a positive spin onto a horrible situation, he hasn't really answered any. I feel adrift, alone in a sea of insanity. A world where people no longer help one another through advice columns. A world where people are afraid to help their fellow man for fear of retribution from others. When will the craziness end?! As for your question, Pepper, I'd almost say anything goes at Chris' birthday show. Actually I'd stop short of dumping a bucket of vomit on his head, I just don't like the sound of that. Speaking of Chris' Birthday, its time to blow the lid off of the lies. Chris will be turning 26!!!! Not 21 as has been quoted in several places, inluding Thursday's Ottawa Citizen.
Steve	Awaiting wisdom...
Paul	Awaiting wisdom...
Chris	Congratulations go out to Steve Palmer for writing this advice without the help of his Hooked On Learning educational VHS tapes. Good Job Steve! Gettin' better! In all seriousness, this weekend should be good. Steve will have his electronic anklet one while we play, and he may be able to stay until 9:30 if his parole officer allows, and as long as there are no children or midgets within fifty feet of him while performing or drinking, we can all forget about last year's birthday celebration at McDonald's, when Mr. Palmer decided to hide in the napkin and straw wicket, stick his johnson out of the napkin dispenser, and attempt to convince people to grab one. Steve...we're going to do everything we can to ensure that you ring in my 21st birthday with ZEST. I'm stoked for your gift, as last year's Everybody Loves Raymond shirt that you got me was something that I truly cherished.

Trevor	Yes, thankfully the world has undergone a lot of changes since you were on the scene. There are many new fads that are just as annoying that you can latch on to now that will be gone in 10 years or less. Though I should be one of the last doling out fashion advice, try these: get some pants that show ass cleavage wear an old neck tie with your undershirt throw out your old and faded jeans buy some new jeans that are manufactured to look old and faded always remember that shaving designs in your eyebrows never goes out of style. If none of that works, then come to a Setbacks show - we love Cougars!
Steve	Lana, this is too perfect! I'm going to fix you up with Chris, our extraordinarily talented (and desperately single) drummer. He's really deep and doesn't care about superficial things like clothes, personal hygeine or straight teeth. I mean, the guy wears Capcom t-shirts...I think it's pretty apparent that looking fashionable isn't important to him. No, to get to know the real Chris you need to dig a little deeper: past the annoying Italian-isms, past the abnormally low alcohol tolerance...right down to the core of his being. Can you see it? I can. What a special guy. Chris, all the best on your 21st birthday on Saturday.
Paul	First of all I would like to say that "the running man" will never die. That is an amazing move. Everyone should have it in their repetoir. As for your problem, I think we need to look at the "big picture" here. How do you fall THAT far behind?! My only explanation is that your husband locked you up Blast from the Past style. Dealing with that issue is another whole question in itself. As for the fashion issue, you sound like a Gap employee's wet dream. I mean, even if the Gap or whatever isn't in your budget......damn, even Canadian Tire has more up to date clothes then you. My advice to you is to take your "I'm with Stupid"-tshirt-stonewash-jeans-hightops ass out and start fresh!
Chris	yes,...we love cougars....especially Hip Hop cougars. You sound rad. Would you like to come to my birthday show, and be my friend/escort for the evening? I can break out my bloomers a la MC Hammer, and wear a Starter cap with the NBA tag from the store still on it. I also have a an old school mix on cassette with Boyz II Men on it, that we can rock to all nite long.

Trevor	I don't think you should feel guilty here at all. Do you realize how much this popsicle pusher makes feeding off of children's hard earned allowances and birthday money? You can't tell me there isn't a huge markup when you're paying four jumbalayas for an Richard D ice cream bar with almonds. The guy is probably a millionaire! As for the daughter, I'd say forget her. Dickie Dee will offer her a much better life than you could ever dream of providing for her. Who knows, if she's smart enough she may even become the heiress to the ice cream fortune! I'm sure if you explain it like that to your girlfriend, everything will turn out fine. If that doesn't work, buy her a puppy.
Steve	This is a rather unique dilemma, yet one that offers a surprisingly simple solution. It is obvious that if you return to the scene of the crime to find your girlfriend's daughter, you will get caught. That's not cool. What I would suggest is heading over to a local school and finding another girl that closely resembles your girlfriend's daughter. Kidnap her, dress her up in the right clothes and present her to your girlfriend. Naturally, the new daughter will be pretty disoriented and your girlfriend will catch on quick that something is up...by this time, you're halfway home and off the hook! Aces!
Paul	This question really hits home with me. Many moons ago I was a Dickee Dee employee. I spent the summer of 1995 touring the metropolis of Barrhaven selling my wares. I remember the day like it was yesterday. It was one of the hotter days of that summer and on days like that the fudgesicles flowed like water. I was doing the park circuit and Jockvale was next on the route. After this point the story becomes a little blurry. I remember peddling around a corner and then the flash of painted metal and chrome coming my way. It was too late for either of us to turn. I was clipped by a speeding Buick Dynasty drivin by either a bunch of punk kids or some old ladies (I just remember that they were short with blue hair...). The collision resulted in my cart being overturned and landing on my leg. As the car sped off I lay in a daze with only the sound of those damn ringing bells in my head. Realizing that I was pinned beneath my cart (In retrospect I shouldn't have taken that extra box of Klondike bars) I used all my strength to lift the cart from my leg. With my leg in obvious pain I was forced to MacGyver a temporary leg splint from popsicle sticks. Barely surviving this ordeal I quit the business and still to this day I flinch at the sound of ringing bells. Hopefully this story will give you the perspective of the Dickee Dee vendor and the pain that he must be going through, not to mention the fact that he is now looking after a little kid.
Chris	Dear Setbacks fans, Yet again, Steve Palmer has broken the conditions of his parole by providing advice to his fellow child abductors. This, I agree, is horrifying, and must be recognized as nothing short of just that. Steve, how dare you share your vision of a world where children are discarded and handled like playing cards. Kids are special and nice, and deserve to be cared for and fed. I am personally disgusted with your inability to recognize this. I really thought that I could deal with the fact that you have a suspicious history, and that you always have to spend time in a half way house on the weekends, but this puts the icing on the cake for me, man. DAMN! Just when our friendship was getting warm!