What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Is there something wrong with me? (2 of 7)

February 15th, 2011

Kevin writes:

This is one part of a 7-part question from Kevin where he asks the Setbacks whether his numerous "quirks" are normal or not...

When eating, I religiously portion out my food so that I have a constant ratio of all the things on my plate. I want every bite to have a bit of everything. No matter what the size of the servings on my plate, I always manage to budget my rations and get through a meal so that everything is being constantly rebalanced. My last bite is a bit of everything, always.

Trevor	Listen KEVIN! Everyone has eating quirks, and they are almost always harmless. Most people will ignore these quirks. If anything they are often good conversation starters, and help lead people to get to know the real you. For example, I refuse to eat anything phallic (bananas, popsicles, hotdogs, penises, etc). Nothing hurtful about that, but some people consider it weird. Paul only eats things he can prepare in a toaster oven. This is fine, but very unhealthy. We've all encouraged him to expand his pallet, but he can't get past chicken wings and cheese sticks. Steve refuses to close his mouth no matter what while eating. It's pretty gross, but not really bad. I recall a lunch meeting with David Geffen that was cut short as a result of this. Actually, I guess that is a really bad quirk, it did ultimately cost The Setbacks a real opportunity. Come to think of it, we should probably be really pissed of at Steve. Thanks for reminding me Kevin, now I'm definitely not accepting Steve's offer for a reunion tour. So I hope this makes you less self conscious about your eating habits. Next time you're sitting down to nosh with some buds, spend less time worrying about your 'quirk', and actually take a look at the other neanderthals at the table. Oh, I almost forgot Chris' eating quirk. He insists that the most efficient way to get nutrients from food is to stick it in his bum instead of his mouth. Come to think of it, this is what made me stop eating phallic foods. See that: full circle answer. Bam!
Steve	I'm pretty sure this is exactly how Dexter Morgan eats all of his meals. It's this kind of bizarre attention to detail when it comes to performing such mundane tasks as eating that allow us to peer into the mind of a psychopath. Right now I'm glad I live 5000 KM away from you. In fact, I'm going to Facebook un-friend you and notify the police that you've made several threats to kill me just to cover my ass. Wait, that doesn't sound right... you didn't threaten to kill me so that you could physically cover up my ass... or maybe that's exactly what I want the police to think! Wait. That's it. You're a deranged psychopath who kills for pleasure and your calling card is to place a small towel over your victim's rear ends. You sick, sick man...
Paul	I had to think about this one for a while. What life experience could push a person to portion out their food equally? What possible traumatic event could lead a person to be this anal? Then it hit me, this is a classic case of “Momma Bird Syndrome”. This is similar to the “Empty Nest Syndrome” that parents go through but this applies to the child. Let me explain. Growing up under your parents rule, meals are portioned out, clothes are provided, and toys allotted to each child. The child’s entire upbringing is controlled. Then when the child moves out of the house, they suddenly have infinite freedom. This is overwhelming for some to handle. To help balance this freedom, the child puts constraints on their daily life such as food portioning or curfews. Based on this diagnosis, I would also assume that you bring a sweater with you when you leave the house in case it gets cold. Am I right? Luckily the cure for this affliction is very simple: Grow the fuck up!
Chris	Hi there Kevin, I've read your question, and if I'm being honest, I don't really think it's that weird. A little obsessive compulsive maybe - but weird? I don't think so. I prefer saving the word "weird" from really oddball situations and people. As an example, if you were doing this with human excrement, or mindlessly scribbled scraps of paper a la A Beautiful Mind - well then that would be weird, and I'd probably be making some comparisons to Howard Hughes later in life. Food is an essential part of who we are. Do whatever makes you more comfortable to get your four squares a day. I can unequivocally guarantee you that if you do that in the presence of a lady though, she'll probably think twice about being with you. Scale it back a tad on that front if you're on a date. That's it. Best of luck.

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