What Would the Setbacks Do?

Email questions to advice[at]thesetbacks.com

Sexual Eating

November 27th, 2010

Jenny Hamburger writes:

I'm so glad you guys are answering advice again. I've had this problem for a few years now, but have had nowhere to turn since you guys stopped solving problems.

Here it is: I can no longer go out for dinner with my boyfriend. No matter what he orders, he somehow manages to eat sexually. He says he's not doing it on purpose, but I have trouble believing it. Some examples:

- When he gets chicken wings he asks for only flats (the ones with two bones, not the mini drumsticks) and then he eats them sideways, using his tongue to dig out the meat between the two bones. It looks sooo much like cunnilingus that people stare!

- Last week we were at my nephew's minor hockey game and he ordered a hot dog. I don't think I need to tell you how that turned out, but rest assured we're not going to anymore of my nephew's hockey games.

- At a work event, some snacks were served and he honed in on the pigs in a blanket. He claimed he just wanted to see what was inside, but he spent nearly 10 minutes pulling the little hot dog in and out of the breading; slowly at first, but getting faster and faster. I lost my job because of this!

Basically I want to ask you if you think he's doing this on purpose, and if he is should I stay with him? I love him dearly and he's perfect in every other way. If he isn't doing it on purpose how do I change him?

Help me The Setbacks!

Trevor	Listen HAMBURGER! I am having trouble answering this question, because I am the opposite of your boyfriend. I refuse to eat any food that is in any way sexual. I have never eaten banana, hot dog, pickel, cheese string (unshredded), popsicle, or bratwurst. When I eat melons, potatoes, tomatoes, apples, or oranges I always eat only 1 at a time. I have never had a roast beef sandwich. Bottom line, you need to get away from this guy. He sounds too crazy in sexual ways. He may even want to have sex with you. You've been warned.
Steve	Hi Jenny, it's great to be back helping people. Thanks for your warm wishes. Good news - I've solved this one for you. This is a classic case of sexual frustration bubbling up to the surface. For most guys, these untapped urges manifest themselves in a few harmless ways: chewing on ice, smoking cigarettes, or soliciting prostitutes, for example. Some guys, however, are either unable to conceal their raging libido or they just choose not to. I'm not sure what category your boyfriend falls under, but bottom line he's basically a ticking timebomb and unless you dingle his dingleberries in the next 24 hours you'll run the risk of more frequent embarrassing outbursts like the ones you described. Only, they'll get worse... I mean, a friend of mine was single for a while and he was feeling particular lonely one night and I don't even want to tell you what he did to the watermelons at the IGA. He's still not allowed back there. Guys are like pressure valves that need to be constantly monitored or they'll explode. And I don't mean explode in the sexual way - they'll literally detonate like a kilogram and a half of C4. You don't want to have that blood on your hands, do you?
Paul	Jenny, men are a simple kind, this is an easy answer. Fight sex with sex. Don’t interpret this as a recommendation to start deep throating pogo-dogs in front of your boyfriend because this will work against what you are looking for. What I suggest is that you start withholding sex every time he does this type of behavior. Men understand this type of basic interaction. Since your boyfriend sounds a little dense, you may have to go the extra mile. For example, if you are out at a seafood restaurant and your boyfriend starts gargling lobster tails, you simply need to get his attention, grab the clam you are eating, hold it in front of you, and slam it shut. He’ll get the hint. (PS: This technique also works with gestures such as a philly steak and cheese sandwiches slamming shut, a train running into a wall, or smashing a mushroom top.) Good luck.
Chris	Wow. What a dilly of a situation you've found yourself in. I'm going to drop some knowledge here. The way you've characterized this situation is 10000% inaccurate. Obviously we have to divide everything you're saying here by 2. Eating food is one of the ONLY times when men aren't thinking about doing it. Matter of fact, sex is probably the last thing on our mind. Plenty of times - when the Setbacks get together for a little something we like to refer to as Buds 'N' Suds - we'll be having chicken wings and next thing you know, Trevor and Steve are locking mushed hands while they do one of those Spock-from-Star-Trek "Live Long And Prosper" gestures and spreading their coupled fingers. Fast forward 10 seconds and someone's checking what's underneath the hood (if you know what I mean) - just in time for the other one to slip a chicken wing out of the little area in between. Is this sexual? Not the last time I checked. It's called friendship, Jenny. I wouldn't expect you to understand this, because it sounds like you're a fucking downer. In my personal experience - all women think that all men think about is sex. Sometimes we just hang out and like savoring our food. That ever occur to you? Of course not. You were probably too busy having your period and looking into things with an emotional magnifying glass - but I'll tell you what Jenny - next time I'm eating a smoked meat sandwich, I can assure you that the last thing I'll be doing is treating the food like it's a set of moist beef drapes. No, no, no,...I'll be thinking about the time and effort required to smoke that savory brisket, and any remotely enthusiastic activity going on as I consume that astonishing sandwich will be because I think it tastes damned good.

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