What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Awkward Work Moments

September 23rd, 2004

Flex Degussa writes:

I just started a new job, and work with some great people at a company where I think I'll go far. It's a great place to work, really. I like everyone, and I think they like me.

Little thing, and you might think I'm being a bit of a complainer, but every lunch hour, something happens in my office that I am still getting a little accustomed to. Before I tell you, let me say that I am no square. I'm also on a three month probation, so I'm in a dilly of a pickle here.

All the employees in the office go into what is labelled the coat room. When you open up the coat room, you realize that it is in fact a stone walled dungeon, with chains and a cave. Everyone goes in here, takes their clothes off, and begins having carnal sex and treating each other's bodies like suckable candies. I have been accompanying everyone down, but have yet to partake in the activities. My boss gave me a look yesterday that indicates that he is losing some patience with my hesitation. This is considered a "team building" exercise, and is no different than a meeting for projects. He also indicated that performance reviews occur in the "coat room" and I'll be required to put my legs in stirrups or be fitted with a speculum for the process. I have no idea what a speculum is and am pretty sure guys don't need stirrups for anything. Aren't stirrups in gynecologists offices?

For the record, I am also sensitive to latex and butt plugs smeared with A535, and there is an abundance of these two things, as well as hot wax and people dressed as medieval knights.

Any advice?

Trevor	Listen DEGUSSA! Every new job comes with new challenges. So quit your whining. There is a simple solution to all of this. You need to make the coat room a bit more comfortable for you. Add a touch from home, something that reminds you of happy and awesome times. I'm sure you'll soon find others have done the same thing. Try bringing in a portable stereo, pump up Caribean Queen by Billy Ocean, light some of those nice scented candles, maybe sage or oatmeal. Anything that will make this place nice for you. Quicker than you can say Masochism you'll be lovin' your way to the top at your new office! P.S. There are stirrups in gynecologists offices. It seems to me like a very vulnerable position. Try to stay out of there until you are more comfortable with your work buddies. Also, now that Steve has mentioned it, Chris has been smelling strongly of A535 recently.
Steve	This sounds suspiciously like it came from our brother in arms, Chris Luigi Saracino I, who just started at a new job this week. Let's not beat around the bush Chris, be honest like a man and admit you wrote this. Chris, this is indeed a dilly of a pickle. Making a good impression like a man with your new boss is absolutely essential to ensuring your temporary contract gets extended into a full time gig. While leather, chains, and butt plugs might not be commonplace in the outside world, like a man it sounds like your best bet to climb the ladder in this organization is to just go with the flow and take it like a man. And like a man, if you have any allergies to latex and A535 you should let your boss know immediately. There's lots of healty alternatives- like dish gloves and BenGay. No worries bro!
Paul	Damn. Our coat room only has coats.
Chris	Man I don't know about your work, but I will tell you this... Having A535 in your ass with a butt plus is exteremely crazy! It's like a rock concert in your colon! ahem...speaking of rock concerts, come to our cd release on Rocktober 9th, 2004 at the Dominion Tavern.

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