What Would the Setbacks Do?
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What Kind Of Rock Star Am I If I Can't Say YES To Groupies?
September 10th, 2004
Dave "Extreme" Pita writes:
I am a well established musician who plays in a marquee Canadian rock act out of Toronto. I have been with the band for about 3 years now, and we enjoy a life of debauchery. Drugs, Booze, and Chicks. One little problem. I am still a virgin. I am creeping up on 28 years old, and should be having the time of my life with all of this tail. Instead, I seize up, get nervous, and am unable to actually go through with engaging these fine hot ladies who are no bullshit about what they want from you. It is common to walk back into our respective dressing rooms after shows, and find two or three fine looking women naked, pointing at their crotches, and anxiously looking at their watches in anticipation to get some. This is a miracle for any guy. This is the pure definition of no strings sex, and the women are incredible looking. I'm really not sure what happens here. I simply cannot perform, and cannot even engage in some innocent fooling around. I do not come from a religious family, which makes this doubly frustrating. I WANT to get it on, I just can't. I need help. If you guys saw what I was talking about, you'd all have perma-boners.
Thanks,
Dave
 Trevor |
Listen PITA! It is pretty clear here that you are a homosexual. Get into therapy to help you get through this difficult time of transition in order to accept your new lifestyle.
Now to the real issue here: our readers will likely want to know what 'marquee' Canadian rock act you are in. There are several hints that keen people such as myself (I consider myself somewhat of a mystery buff) would pick up on. You are from Toronto, and you have been in the band for 3 years (since you were 25). From these clues I have narrowed your identity down to one of two people: you are either Col. Mustard with the Lead Pipe in the Library, or Alex Lifeson from Rush. Mystery solved (that will be my catch phrase when my brother and I start solving crimes full time). |
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 Steve |
Dave, you need to come to grips with the fact that you are hopelessly impotent. That's right - start singing the Sinatra classic "My Way" (or even Queen's "We Are the Champions") and dance on down to the local drug store to get some artificial boner pills. That's the medical name though - when you ask the pharmacist refer to them by their commercial product name: Tic Tacs. This will solve all your performance anxiety problems. Golden. |
 Paul |
Your first time can be a little overwhelming expecially when it is with a seasoned groupie that has almost whittled away their bedpost with notches from "rock stars" like yourself.
Start by tossing a girl's salad or flipping her burgers and slowly make your way up to the dirty sanchez. If you are still have problems with your limp noodle.... I suggest switching to easy listening. Nobody who listens to Magic 100 gets laid.....EVER. |
 Chris |
Your dilemma is a unique thing in this tilt-a-whirl called rock'n'roll. You play guitar and look like Peter Frampton, and the reality is that women throw themselves at you with nothing but carnal sweaty mindless sex. Theses are pedigree women too, because the truth is this. Hot women, like stripper/porn star hot come to rock shows and attempt to get into the pants of rock stars. I just finished reading Gene Simmons autobiography, and granted, Gene Simmons was indiscriminate with ladies (he even admits to sleeping with anything with all limbs), but he's had some extremely hot women. Have you seen what he looks like? For that matter, Ace Frehly also scored like Gretzky at the blue line with the opposite sex, and he is about twice as unattractive, and he has no appendage. My point is this, chicks like this scare the pants off of guys. You've probably spent your entire life beating off to images of women like this in your bed, that when you finally luck into the opportunity to actually be playing with some of these playmate calibre ladies, you are probably wigging out and having a sexual seizure of sorts. This is where you will begin heeding my advice....right at this point, and think about what I am going to say here:
You can sleep with these amazing hot and fine ladies, or you can go back to chasing skirt and working hard for the attention like when you were playing clubs, spending lonely nights clutching copies of Swank and Club International with mounds of astroglide and Kleenex in your hands, or secretly shopping at Adult Fun Superstores for your weekly fix of stroke vids....ahem.....so you better....oh man....this is all too sad.... Dammit Pita. You best start using that Johnson of yours. What the hell is wrong with you? You have a responsibility to all men to begin living this dream. If you can't do this, what the hell are you playing in a band for? Come on man. |