What Would the Setbacks Do?

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Jump The Gun Friend.

August 17th, 2004

Lazer J. Beans writes:

Hey Guys,

I have a friend who tends to jump the gun a bit when having social interactions with people, and often times, has a tendency to go a little over the top with jokes. We were all having a beer one night, having a good time, playing NTN, and listening to High Holy Days. I started talking to these chicks, and not beyond getting the first sentence out of my mouth, my friend comes into the conversation, and asks the girls if they have ever seen "flies eyes". He then takes out his sausage mcjohnson (penis), pulls his balls up over the shaft part, and exclaims.... "FLIES EYES!!", at the top of his lungs. One of the girls began to cry, and the other one was very upset. I was mortified! This isn't even the worst. We were having lunch at the local deli with my girlfriend's friend Joanne. I introduced her to my bud, and without jumping a beat, I mean...without even introducing himself...he asked her if she "spit or swallowed". GOD.

Advice on how to handle this guy? I'm all ears.

Lazer

Trevor	I think this behaviour goes well beyond simply "jumping the gun". This is socially unacceptable behaviour. This is the kind of thing people like Jeffrey Dahmer do when they were in high school, before they go ahead and dismember all those people. Whatever you do, do NOT confront this guy. You don't want to be added to "the list". Because when the killing starts, you're going to want to be on his good side. Not so close that you might be implicated in the killings, but close enough to get interviewed afterwards, saying things like "He had some bizarre habits, but I always thought he was harmless". Be friends like Elayne and George, not Jerry and George.
Steve	I'm not sure I'm with you on this one, Lazer. Sounds like your friend has had enough of your ultra-conservative approach to everyday socializing. Maybe you need to loosen up a bit and contort your Schneider McGrittle in front of a couple strangers and see how it makes you feel. Along with the popular "flies eyes" you can also try "baby elephant", "attack of the west nile mosquito" and "googly eyed aardvark". And nothing cuts the ice like an unexpected performance of "snooker face"!
Paul	This is a simple case of "human response". Obviously when this guys was growing up he had no negative affect from saying or doing stupid things. This is where your paternal instincts need to take over. Whenever he does something really stupid, punch him in the face as hard as you can. Don't worry, this is for the best. As time goes on he will learn that when he pulls his pants down in public he will get a black eye, leud comments = broken fingers, and anything that involves penis puppetry = swift kick in the crotch. He will conform in to proper behaviour in no time.
Chris	Man that is rad! I had a friend who could create Gonzo's face from the muppets with his bun and kittens. The fellas loved him! You just don't understand your friend, and you should be more tolerant.

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