The Setbacks' Studio Adventures - FRIDAY APRIL 30th
April 30th, 2004
For the past few days, we've been in the recording studio, laying down some meaty and delicious tracks for consumption by you, our voracious fans. I hope you are hungry because these tasty nuggets are sounding amazing. But that's enough self-back patting; let me give you the run down of the time spent at Little Bullhorn in Ottawa.
FRIDAY APRIL 30:
Our meeting time Friday was for 7pm at the studio. Earlier in the week, I had made a large fuss about us always being late, and was determined to get everyone there on time. I lectured on how this would be costing us money, and we’d need to be efficient. So when I arrived at 7:15, the gear was already loaded into the studio. I felt shame, and was reminded about my stern words from earlier in the week. As Steve and Paul started into some sort of "impression" of my rant, Chris proceeded to engage Jarrett Bartlett, our recording engineer, in a drawn out game of 20 questions. He pummeled Jarrett with questions about the studio – everything from the colour of the mixing board knobs to the age of the carpets on the floor.
When the impression of me finally degraded far enough that neither of the two could continue because of laughter and Chris finally had all the details of the studio committed to memory, we began setting up the gear.
Chris set up the drums in one room, with a clear view of the mixing board through a thick sheet of glass. The guitars and bass amps were set up in the second room, pointing in various directions. The plan was to have us play in the room with the mixing board, while our amps blared in the other room. Of course we couldn’t hear those because of the soundproof walls (we also couldn’t hear Chris), so next we worked on getting a good mix in each of our speakers (or headphones for Chris).
After an hour of “can I get more of me in my mix” coming from everyone, we were finally all satisfied. Chris was already sweating like a man of Italian descent should, due to the excess coverage of hair. This is what we like to call his “squirrel necklace”. He wears a gold chain so that he knows where to stop shaving. The studio is allegedly air conditioned, but this being the first real warm day the system was just warming up, only blowing air and not necessarily cold air.
Soon Jarrett left, and left us to get used to playing in the room with the set up we picked. The real recording would start tomorrow.
We checked out at about 9:30, and popped into Pubwell’s around the corner for some of the city’s biggest and best Calzones. For some reason we got involved in a heated discussion concerning the government’s control of the seal population. I have not heard so many made up statistics in one sitting before. But would we be able to put our differences aside tomorrow in the studio? Only time will tell.
-tk
Chris' Open Letter To Donald Trump
Star of NBC's "THE APPRENTICE"
April 17th, 2004
Trump Industries
67 Trump Avenue
Palo Alto
California
U.S.A.
90874
Dear Mr. Trump,
I caught the last episode of The Apprentice last night, and just wanted to share some thoughts that I had. First of all, I think you hired the right guy in Bill. He is a nice guy. Kwame was a giant dickhead. Everyone knows that you don't choose to be on a team with Ponderosa because she was difficult and a pain in the ass and everyone hated her. Kwame was also too laid back, as was said by his own team. You want a guy like that running your company? He's asleep half the time. If you have a Sleep Country or Mattress Mart location that needs a manager, he'd be right at home. Kwame is also useless to the max, and it is beyond me how he even got to the final. I liked Troy, but everyone knows that Troy has sex with his own family. I'm pretty sure that Troy was having sex with Kwame as well.
All in all, I enjoyed the show, and hope to see you doing this format again. Humiliating defeats, and getting fired for a job you never had in the first place is hilarious and entertaining!
I would like to say however, I think that you are becoming a little overexposed. Some points to take into account as you reach the threshold that has only been visited by the likes of a few, such as the Bennifer phenomenon, and the gay dude from Will & Grace....
You have ridiculous hair and with all of your billions, you buy THE worst suits I have ever seen. Now I'm no expert, as I have one suit that I bought at Zellers, but pink ties were out in 1987, and white shirts are for people living in retirement communities.
Best,
Chris Saracino
Chris' Open Letter to Steve Martin
April 13th, 2004
Steve Martin Fanclub
1158 Ventura Boulevard
Los Angeles,California
U.S.A.
90258
Dear Steve,
I had the flu this weekend, and decided to watch a few of your movies. I rented Cheaper By The Dozen on a whim. Right off the bat, I knew this movie was going to suck. I was right...but that is not what I want to talk about.
Steve, I have a theory that you are an ancient being. You seem to have a problem with aging. You just don't do it. I assume you've had white hair since your twenties, and you are now in your sixties. You look exactly the same as you always have. Does egyptian sand run through your veins like Emhotep from the popular Mummy movies? Do you require the sacrifice of a few virgins every year to maintain your image? I find it difficult to believe that you can handle a dozen kids in Cheaper By The Dozen at your age. Did you see Hillary Duff changing when you guys were doing that movie? She is smokin' hot! My friend said that he once saw her making out with another chick at a Wendy's! What a slut!
I'm assuming that you will not answer my letter, but I thought I'd let you know that I also think you are in cahoots with Leslie Neilsen, Dick Clark, and Susan Sarandon with these youthful maintenance rituals. Who are you satanic bastards kidding? We know how you stay young.
Sincerely,
Chris Saracino
P.S. If you ever make another Cheaper By The Dozen, I'll write you off. Are you broke? Is that why you do these movies?
Chris' Open Letter To Steven Seagal
April 5th, 2004
Attention: Steven Seagal
Seagal Siege
Steven Seagal Fan Club
1010 Sunset Boulevard
Hollywood, California
90253
Dear Mr. Seagal,
I just wanted to let you know how much I used to really dig what you were doing.
Your first movie, "Above The Law" was friggin' really good. I've never seen anyone break arms and legs like you, and you are a tough man. Your ponytail was a great thing for you to have in the late eighties days of beef cut crew haircuts. Your demeanor was menacing, yet calm. I really enjoyed your films. The followups of Hard To Kill, Out For Justice, and Marked For Death were all kick ass, and truly brought you to the forefront of excellence in the action genre.
Unfortunately, after Under Siege...which was another awesome flick, you began to alarmingly suck. I have no idea how old you are, but I am guessing in the 90's. You went from being a smooth operator, to a slow and heavily edited old man on film. I have a theory that we never see you kick anymore because you cannot hoist your legs up in the air to administer punishing Aikido martial arts moves. You are also a little bloated. Now there is part of me that cannot blame you...you married some hot chicks, and have ditched more broads for younger ones than Woody Allen. That is cool and wicked. Your current wife, who if I am not mistaken was your kids' old nannny is friggin schmint. Good call.
It is unfortunate however, that you are resorting to doing these gay ass environmental flicks like Fire Down Below, and The Patriot. Since when do action stars give a shit about the environment? Fire your agent. You best stop that crap. Go back to fully breaking people's arms over your shoulders, and speaking with a tight eyelid and raspy voice. Find an alternative to dying your hair, because whoever is doing your grecian should be fired immediately. You are developing trump like hair, which is wisping and combover worthy at this point. Steve,....I mean this sincerely. I think you need to return to your formal glory. If Arnold can do it, you can as well.
No more movies with rappers. This sux. You should do a movie with Matt Damon or Jackie Chan. I would have loved to have seen you in the Matrix movies, but I am convinced that your peak physical condition would have hampered the production schedule. My bud suggested you as Gandalf in the next LOTR installment, if there ever is one, and the thought of you breaking Aragorn's arms over your shoulders, or clotheslining Hobbitts is kick ass. This is workable. Whatever you do, DO NOT do a romantic heartfelt comedy with anyone. Please.
Sincerely,
Chris Saracino
Chris' letter to TBS
March 23rd, 2004
Attention: Ted Turner
Turnder Broadcasting System
A Time Warner Company
1125 Simcoe Blvd.
Atlanta, Georgia
U.S.A.
90585
Hi Man,
I'd just like to say that I love TBS. You guys play some great movies like "Weird Science", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and the seminal 80's pop culture hit, "Pretty In Pink". I love this.
What I don't love is "Dinner & A Movie" and the extreme gaylord who hosts that show. I also don't like the fact that you play some of the worst films about 30 times a day, including "Mrs. Winterborne" with Ricky Lake, and "Steel Magnolias". These suck dick.
I do like the loyalty to when Steven Segal was awesome, and the fact that you play "Above The Law", "Hard To Kill", and "Out For Justice" a lot, but the movies where he packed on 100 lbs. all sucked. Pretty well everything after "Under Siege". BTW...play that more often as well.
I must re-iterate the extreme gay nature of Dinner & A Movie. The premise is sound, but the host is akin to a Denny's Meat Lover's skillet. Made for sausage consumption.
I like Ripley's Believe It Or Not, but Dean Cain = extreme gaylord.
Movies For Guys Who Like Movies is awesome, and this should be the pinpoint of the whole programming schedule. This is what brings the crowds. Blade is coming up, and I have set aside a viewing night for this.
My main concern is the length of your commercial periods. They are way too long. I can re-enact the entire scene from Ghost where Demi and Patrick Swayze make that gay pot on the pottery wheel in the time it takes for your station to take a commercial break. If I see another piece for fucking Rent-A-Center, I will die. John Madden sucks. Also, the Atlanta Braves commercials eat dick. I know you own the team, but come on man.
I love Seinfeld, and I love Friends. Continue playing those. They are awesome.
Best,
Chris Saracino
Beware of the ides of March
March 15th, 2004
Some guy I met on Saturday asked me to pass this message onto you Chris. You might want to check under your car before you start it, buddy.
Gas Problems...
by Trevor Kealey
March 10th, 2004
Our show on Friday was a tremendous blast. Clothes Makes The Man played tighter than ever, and we kicked in a little bit more rock than normal. The place was packed, the beer was flowing, and Eugene Haslam only slightly ripped us off. A success indeed!
Events leading up to the show were not indicative of this success however. As usual, Chris somehow managed to make himself scarce during all the heavy lifting. Steve, Chet, and I loaded the gear, hauled it, and unloaded it. Actually, Clothes Makes The Man helped us unload a bit, as they were already waiting at the club (a band from Toronto beats us to a club in our hometown - a testament to the setbacks promptness).
Apparently Chris needed to go to Songbird Music to get some drumming doo dads. Upon arrival he found “they didn’t have the right kind of felts”. Whatever. Bottom line, he now needs to go to another store in the south end of the city. I guess he’s never driven that far before because he ran out of gas!
Who runs out of gas? How does that even happen? His excuse: “there was no bell or anything, I saw the light was on, but I was waiting for a beep or something”. Then he walks to Esso nearby, but leaves his wallet in his car! He had to barter for some gas to take to his car. He ended up trading a picture of his mom (which he keeps in the pocket closest to his heart), and half a pack of Export ‘A’ King Size cigarettes for 2 dollars worth of gas to take to his car.
Meanwhile, back at the club, I had secured myself half the stage for my gear, and put Chet and Steve on the other side while they looked for parking. A smooth move on my part, though they would have other words for it. Then I took a stab at setting up drums. I wanted to set the cymbals up like Joey Kramer from Aerosmith, with the cymbals up so high that you need a stool to get to them. I was talked out of it for the sake of time.
Speaking of stools, that is one of the things Chris was going to rent, so while getting drum sounds for the sound guy, I had to stand behind the kit. Aerosmith cymbals would have been good for this. It felt very primitive/tribal to hit the floor tom while standing.
Eventually Chris showed up, reset all the drums that we had worked so hard on, and we plowed through sound check and left the stage, leaving about 38 seconds for Clothes Makes The Man to do a sound check.
Cheers to everyone who came out and enjoyed themselves. Awesome times.
The Corporation
March 4th, 2004
...is a good movie. Go see it.
In the astrology department, with the moon at its current position and orientation we're entering into what is commonly known as a "rock and roll eclipse" in the northern hemisphere. This phenomena is noted by an abundance of rock music and rock performances during its 3 day cycle. In Ottawa, we will be experiencing the eclipse this weekend:
THURSDAY MARCH 4 - SMUGGLERS, EVAPORATORS & ANDREW VINCENT @ THE DOM
FRIDAY MARCH 5 - SETBACKS & CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN @ ZAPHOD'S
SATURDAY MARCH 6 - TRICKY WOO @ THE DOM
Come out with your sunglasses and do not stare directly at the bands.
EXTREME GAYNESS
March 1st, 2004
Steve Palmer insisted on sitting on my lap as we drove to get Xbox controllers yesterday. There is no way that shall ever happen again.
Contact the band at band[at]thesetbacks.com