...Recent Rideau Center Adventure with Chris...posted by Chris on XVI...

August 1st, 2003

The following is a recent post that I put up on Ottawa's XVI.com, which is a network for electronic musicians. Everyone there thought it was kind of funny, so I decided to post here...



WINTER: 2003

Cham and I decided to hook up one day at Swiss Chalet. We had a chicken and rib combo a piece, then decided that we'd indulge in the nice winter weather, and smoke a joint....something that we've only done twice.

Chameleonic attempted to roll the joint....proclaiming that his DJ status immediately gave him dibs on doing this. I watched as fumbled with the Zig Zag, dropped it on the floor of his father's 1984 Camaro, and then spilled half the goods onto the dash. I rolled my eyes....and took hold of the situation quickly.

I rolled the joint. Licked it, prepped the filter, then lit. We inhaled cheeb smoke for about a total of fifteen minutes...listening to Massive Attack's Mezzanine...then began our adventure...

We first stopped at the Rideau Center. We immediately entered the main lobby, smelling the delectable aroma of Kernels popcorn. As we passed, Cham flipped the entire staff at Kernels the bird. We passed, but he suddenly doubled back, stopped right in front of the counter, and put both of his hands out with middle fingers stuck up.

"Kernels blows my ass! You're disgracing Orville!"

The employees....shocked and appalled....didn't know what to say. Chameleonic loudly informed them that he was so disgusted with the store, that he was going to Eddie Bauer. I followed...with my mouth hanging open.

We didn't get very far.

We sauntered into the IT STORE. There, we got our fill of confederate flag motifs, naked birthday cards, and hats with various genitalia hanging all over them.

We then went into COMPUCENTER...where we both approached the counter....

chrissyfur: Where is Bonk's Adventure?

gamenerd: For what system?

chrissyfur: Fucking Turbograffix man! Where is it! Do you take Interac?"

gamenerd: Uh....we don't have the Turbograffix 16 sir...

Chameleonic: WE'RE THE CUSTOMERS! Please direct us to finding Duck Hunt for NES, and we'll be on our way!

gamenerd: Duck Hu....

chrissyfur: Listen man! I need an immediate copy of Castlevania! You guys sell games, don't you?

gamenerd: ???

Chameleonic: I need the stratedy guide for Zelda....immediately!

(gamenerd's manager enters the conversation, as he sees us throwing our hands up...)

Nerdmanager: Hey Dudes!

chrissyfur: Excuse me, your employee here refuses to let us play Shinobi on your Sega Genesis. We are both thorougly disgusted with your gaming code of brotherhood.

Nerdmanager:...you mean the Dreamcast...they don't have...

Chameleonic: No! I mean the Sega Master System....if not Shinobi...then why not Altered Beast....? Why?

Nerdmanager: You guys are going to have to....

chrissyfur: Have either of you ever seen a female naked?

Nerds: ????? (manager frowns)

Cham & Chrissyfur: Good day To You Gentlemen!

Finishing that....we run into the convenience store where Chameleonic decides to buy a coke. he chugs it as I stare aimlessly into space. We decide to go to the Body Shoppe. We take the escalator...and walk into our favourite store.

Shoppegirl: Hi Guys! What's up? Do you need some service?

Chameleonic: Yes we do...I need to know if you have that mango cream that you can rub on your privates to cure Genital Craters?

Shoppegirl: What the fuck?

chrissyfur: Have you ever seen the film...Honey I Shrunk The Kids?

(Shoppegirl giggles)

chrissyfur: My dad went to high school with Rick Moranis!

Chameleonic, picking up a container of SOY body butter: DOES THIS CURE PENIS PARKINSON'S?

We observe the brutal look on the shoppegirl's face.....she is not amused....so we hightail it out....

We immediately notice security pursuing us. Two guards...wearing Securicor vests...with their hands on their miniature batons.
Chameleonic decides to book it...as do I.
We dodge the cops...attempting to stay grouded as we negotiate our equilibrium while hitting our stoned out peak....
We run down into the food court......and both snatch a slice of pizza from a Lebanese vendor.....

FUCK YOU YOU AZZHOLES! PAY FOR DE SLICE YOU AZZHOLE BITCHES!

We both laugh....run out of the mall...

We've lost the security guards....we look at each other...and bite into our pizza......we shared a moment today. Our adventure had provided us with food, and we both decided to hit up Rock Junction & Caramel City to get Rambo knives, and Shemar Moore fades....

Chameleonic....here's your request and dedictaion:
(cue up: Theme to Family Ties......What do we do baby....with our love.....? What do we do baby....with our love.......shananana....)